September 28, 2007

Steve Jobs just fixed my iPhones

So by now I’m sure you’ve heard that we’ve lost our top lawyer Daniel Cooperman to Apple. If not, see here. I’m not sure how many of you know Dan, but let me tell you, the guy’s a miracle worker. He really is. The dude can walk on water and have the Microturd lawyers quaking in their boots faster than you can say "Windows Vista blows goats." Seriously. So I hate to see him go. But I had to give him to Steve. I just had to.

It all started yesterday when I updated my iPhones. You know how software updates go. You’ve got to have the latest and greatest. So I installed the updates from my MacBook Pro, but then none of my iPhones turned on. Except for one of them, which kept playing this little video of Steve manically laughing and screaming, “Fuck you, idiot. You think you’re so great? You think you can hack my shit? Fat chance, freak. You believed the freetards and now we’re going to screw you. Sucker.” And then more laughing, etc. Woo boy. I don’t think I’ve ever been so mad in my life. I called Steve up with my Blackberry and said, What the fuck? You think you can just break my iPhones? Huh? Do you? You turd. You think you’re going to diss me just because I wanted to use T-Mobile? Nuh uh, Steve. Not gonna work, bro. You’re going to fly out here to Chicago right now and fix this shit before I pull your Oracle databases for breaching our EULA. Maybe you don’t think you’ve breached our EULA, but trust me, you have. Even if you haven’t done anything wrong, Dan will find something and sue your fucking ass into the ground. We’ll make the people at the SEC look like kindergartners.

And then Steve says, Okay Larry, okay. I’ll do it. I’ll fix your iPhones. But I need something in return, okay? I need Dan. I really need him, Larry. I know you don’t understand what I’m going through right now with the SEC. Nobody can. But it’s bad, Larry. So help a brother out, would you? And sure, then I’ll fix your iPhones.

So he flew some Apple technician out here and now the things are working again. Finally. You’ll never believe how easy it is to unlock them. You just pop in your SIM card, reboot the thing, and hold 13 fingers on the touchpad. Then you type in a secret code and select the service. That’s it. Even the voice mail works.

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