This graduation speech I supposedly delivered at Yale a couple years ago has been floating around the Internet for a while now. Listen, people. It's a fake. A phony. And it was probably a cockeyed scheme to extort money out of yours truly. I mean, I know it sounds a little like something I would say to thousands of wide-eyed graduates. But come on. I'd never actually deliver a graduation speech like this. What I'd really talk about is how graduates can delay the inevitable onslaught of the grueling 9-5 workday by coming to Oracle. I'd tell them that working for Oracle is like prolonging the magic. With our strong fraternity culture and K.E.G. lunch program, we have everything recovering alcoholics need to succeed.
BTW, people seem to think I blow a gasket when I see stuff like this. I don't. Honestly, I laugh my ass off. Because to tell you the truth I would love to deliver a speech like this. Unfortunately, I can't have people running around pretending to be me. We're suing the dude who wrote this, and we're also pressing charges. Turns out his name is Mark Zuckerberg. He is, coincidently, also a college dropout.
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