September 28, 2007

Steve Jobs just fixed my iPhones

So by now I’m sure you’ve heard that we’ve lost our top lawyer Daniel Cooperman to Apple. If not, see here. I’m not sure how many of you know Dan, but let me tell you, the guy’s a miracle worker. He really is. The dude can walk on water and have the Microturd lawyers quaking in their boots faster than you can say "Windows Vista blows goats." Seriously. So I hate to see him go. But I had to give him to Steve. I just had to.

It all started yesterday when I updated my iPhones. You know how software updates go. You’ve got to have the latest and greatest. So I installed the updates from my MacBook Pro, but then none of my iPhones turned on. Except for one of them, which kept playing this little video of Steve manically laughing and screaming, “Fuck you, idiot. You think you’re so great? You think you can hack my shit? Fat chance, freak. You believed the freetards and now we’re going to screw you. Sucker.” And then more laughing, etc. Woo boy. I don’t think I’ve ever been so mad in my life. I called Steve up with my Blackberry and said, What the fuck? You think you can just break my iPhones? Huh? Do you? You turd. You think you’re going to diss me just because I wanted to use T-Mobile? Nuh uh, Steve. Not gonna work, bro. You’re going to fly out here to Chicago right now and fix this shit before I pull your Oracle databases for breaching our EULA. Maybe you don’t think you’ve breached our EULA, but trust me, you have. Even if you haven’t done anything wrong, Dan will find something and sue your fucking ass into the ground. We’ll make the people at the SEC look like kindergartners.

And then Steve says, Okay Larry, okay. I’ll do it. I’ll fix your iPhones. But I need something in return, okay? I need Dan. I really need him, Larry. I know you don’t understand what I’m going through right now with the SEC. Nobody can. But it’s bad, Larry. So help a brother out, would you? And sure, then I’ll fix your iPhones.

So he flew some Apple technician out here and now the things are working again. Finally. You’ll never believe how easy it is to unlock them. You just pop in your SIM card, reboot the thing, and hold 13 fingers on the touchpad. Then you type in a secret code and select the service. That’s it. Even the voice mail works.

Does Mark Zuckerberg look like Screech or what?

So I'm sitting here reading these articles about Facebook and I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, Zuckerberg looks like that turd from Saved by the Bell. You know, that weird guy named Screech. (See resemblance above.) And actually, now that I think about it, they have more in common than just physical appearance. They both have $2,000 curly hair cuts that make it look like they just rolled out of bed. They both dress like people from the late '80s. They both have problems meeting and interacting with women. And neither one of them knows when to stop. In fact, I guess the only thing they don't have in common is shooting pornos. The real life Screech is the Dirty Sanchez expert. I don't think Zuckerberg has gone there yet, but you never know. The nut doesn't fall far from the tree as they say in Chicago.

September 27, 2007

People are getting tired of IBM

See here. One of these Union 2.0 organizations actually had the nerve to picket IBM. In Second Life. With avatars and virtual protest signs. Which is really great, because for the longest time now IBM has been like that rich old dude who has Alzheimer's. They're a scary corporation. They really are. They give money to everybody, but they don't know what they're doing or who they are. And nobody has had the balls to pick on them. Until now. Their own employees have taken to the virtual streets to throw virtual Molotov cocktails at IBM's virtual headquarters in a virtual world. Not sure how much good that's going to do them, but I say good on them. Next step is to create a Facebook application that lets you throw cream pies at Big Blue employees. Trust me, that'll just kill IBM management.

A reader asks...

"Can you please explain your posting 'I'm sponsoring a sorority'? I'm confused about where this is coming from. I understand it's all 'fake news' or something, but all of your other postings reference software and tech. companies (and the real Larry Ellison and Oracle)."

First let me just say this. At times like these, I really wish my mail server used MySQL so random messages like this would get deleted. Which is to say that I never actually want to see email messages like this. In fact, getting messages like this is a little like getting the Christmas card from Marc Benioff every year. I want all of them buried at the bottom of the Chesapeake.

But since the message did come through, I feel compelled to respond.

So friends, this is my answer to my dear reader. Life is not all about work. It is also not all about following trends in technology, high-tech companies, or even techno-guru big-wigs like Shit for Brains. It's about life itself, and the very essence of living. It's about feeling the silk of a girl's thigh and appreciating fine wines and sailing through gale force winds not knowing whether you'll live or die. Yes, technology is fun. Yes, it's important to win and kick Microsoft's ass. But that's not all there is to life. As that hack John Lennon said, life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Just remember that the next time you want to email me and rag on my blog, okay?

September 26, 2007

A bit of advice, Szulik

I was impressed yesterday, Matt. Seriously. Red Hat's numbers turned out pretty well, and I see some potential for future growth. That's the good news. The bad news is that there's a lot of bad news. First of all, pretty much everybody views Red Hat as the Microsoft of the Linux world. Face it, bro. You went from darling to Darth Vader in like eight years. You lost the marketing war. How did it happen? Well, you started taking things away from people and you stopped being cool. That's the funny thing about people, Szulik. They don't really appreciate it when you take things away from them. Fedora sucks ass, and everybody knows it. Maybe you don't care about that. The problem is that lots of little teenage turd droppers love Ubuntu. They've never even heard about Red Hat, Matt. So you've got a bunch of Slashdot admin types -- the ones who are hopelessly behind the times and still think grep will solve all their problems -- using Red Hat. And the new people are all using Ubuntu. What do you think is going to happen? You're going to get broadsided by Ubuntu. When that happens, Canonical will pick up the enterprise support and you'll be fucked.

And then there's JBoss. Honestly, you never should have bought it. We knew that years ago. You didn't. And it's all working out exactly the way we thought it would. Get rid of it. JBoss will never make money. People can get Tomcat for free and it works better anyway.

Which brings me to the economy. I'm still not even convinced that this subscription thing is going to work. If things take a turn for the worst, all of your star subscribers are going to make their lazy admins get off their fat asses and actually do some work. You think it can't happen, but it can. I've seen it.

To tell you the truth, I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. I know you won't read it. Nobody listens to Larry. Ah, well. After Red Hat kicks the bucket, we'll start doing Red Hat support ourselves. Somebody's got to carry the torch, right? It might as well be Oracle.

I'm sponsoring a sorority

There comes a time in the life of every individual and institution where help is desperately needed. Maybe a loved one has died. Maybe the stock price has tanked. Or maybe funding is not available for your sorority, as is the case for the Alpha Chi Omega chapter at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. That's why I'm sponsoring these young women at my alma mater starting today. I have lots of good memories associated with their chapter, and when I heard they were about to close it, I knew had to do something. I had to act. I mean, you can't just let cultural icons and societal staples like this fade away. The fact that this Alpha Chi Omega chapter was about to run out of money is just more proof that America is allowing nihilism and a degradation of values to creep into the very fabric of our civilization. I'm really worried about us.

Anyway, I wrote them a check and Frank installed Oracle on all of their computers and they were very appreciative. Before we drove off, they gave us their phone numbers and told us to call if we needed anything. Frank, being the perv he is, said he would probably take them up on it.

Shit for Brains wants a piece of Facebook

And he wants it bad. See here. He keeps calling Zuckerberg every hour, on the hour, and tacking a million dollars onto his bid for 5% of Facebook every time he calls. A reputable source told me this morning that Shit for Brains is not handling the stress well. Apparently he's gone off the deep end and is really, really freaking the Microturds out. He's graduated from throwing chairs to throwing desks. He also lets his tongue hang out of his mouth in meetings now, and he doesn't eat anything except Sloppy Joes and Frito pies in the cafeteria. And for some reason he keeps saying that Novell is going to beat Microsoft to the Facebook investment punch.

Look, this is what happens when you get Google-envy. I warned him. I said, Steve, don't buy stuff just because you think Google might be looking at it. You'll go insane. And he just laughed and said, oh yeah Larry, whatever. But did he listen to me? Did he even stop to think about what could happen to him and Microsoft? No, he did not. And now he's all panicked and shit. He's gone into fight or flight mode and he's going to do something stupid. I just know it. That's Shit for Brains for you, though.

Honestly, Zuckerberg is the real wild card at this point. Like a virgin who flirts with everybody and knows she's going to have to give it up someday soon, Zuckerburg is waiting for the perfect conditions and the right price. He wants the biggest bang for his bling. But believe me, this guy doesn't care who he sells out to. He's just in it for the girls and the press right now. But that period passes. You can only bang so many girls and be on so many magazine covers before the shit gets old. He's almost at the point where he just wants to get his money and get out. But he's being careful about it.

Naturally, we're taking advantage of the situation. We got one of our guys to talk about how Facebook is worth a lot more than SFB thinks it is and give a lot of crazy optical illusion examples to prove it. We even got him to put this at the bottom of his blog: "Disclaimer: All opinions expressed here are personal opinions of the author(s) and do not reflect opinions of Oracle or any other person/organziation." Listen, the dude's legit. You have my word. And you can quote him on the price he came up with for Facebook. Really.

September 25, 2007

Wish you were here

It's a warm day in Chicago. That's why Frank and I beat it on over to White Castle when the gynecologist convention went on lunch break. We cooled down with a few burgers and Cokes. A lot of people don't know this, but White Castle is the oldest hamburger chain in the world, and by God, I've missed this place for a long time. Seriously. I can't even begin to tell you what it's like to stack three of those little burgers on top of each other and then stuff them all into your mouth at once. Indescribable. Frank can do six at once. He calls it "The Tower of Power." Says he has some kind of vision about the new Oracle 12g database when he gets them all into his mouth. That's Frank for you, though. Always trying to one-up everybody. I will tell you this. The dude should have been a gynecologist. He's really knows his stuff -- he's just cut out for the work.

Marten Mickos wins third place in China Technology Innovation Competition

More big news to report from China today. Marten Mickos, MySQL AB's fearless leader, announced that MySQL took third place in some Chinese technology competition. Not for winning on any technological basis, of course. Everybody knows that MySQL isn't superior to any other database out there. They won on the basis of their hiring practices. See here. According to Zack Urlocker, Executive VP of Products, MySQL AB "may not have all the perks offered by big companies, but at the end of the day, developers know they are working on something important and they can do it from their home rather than relocating to Silicon Valley." Um, yeah. Not quite sure what to say to that, except that if it made sense to the people in China, it'll probably make sense to somebody somewhere here in the States. We have a lot of turds here who want to work from home. Just look at Bill Gates.

MySQL AB is the new Valleywag

Only two months after Valleywag lost the race to find Fake Steve Jobs, lost ninety-eight percent of its returning visitors, and filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, who steps into the blazed path but a two-bit company called MySQL AB. That's right, people. Marten Mickos is trying to find Fake Larry, and he's holding a poll this week to help discover my true identity. See here. So head on over and cast your vote. Just remember that your vote might not count. Because MySQL AB uses MySQL databases, and MySQL databases sometimes lose data, they might, well, inadvertently lose your vote. But what the hell, right?

Hot on the heels of Russia, Dell rolls into China

The fun just doesn't stop in Round Rock. Now Michael "shoot from the hip" Dell has decided that it's a good idea to start selling his black boxes in China. See here. To commemorate the occasion, Dell announced that his company will be rolling out a special desktop for the mainland. It's called the C-DELL3025783256721. The C-DELL part stands for Dell in China, of course, and 3025783256721 is the model number. Michael packed some amazing features into this box, people. Check it out. The desktop has a special generator built in to help the Chinese mitigate the rolling blackouts that currently plague the nation. The box even ships with a little gasoline to get customers started. The C-DELL3025783256721 also ships with special versions of Windows XP and Ubuntu. According to Michael, the special OS versions aren't exactly doctored, but they do have nice features built in for Chinese law enforcement personnel. The "features" are classified, of course. If Dell told us exactly what the features were they'd have to come and kill us. Otherwise they would be banned from selling Dells on the mainland. Despite all of this, Michael apparently feels confident that China will put his ailing company back on the map. He even went as far as to say in a written statement that, "The Chinese will flock to us like fruit flies to rotting apples." Roger that one, Michael.

September 24, 2007

We're in the Windy City

Well, here we are, chilling pool-side at The Peninsula Chicago. Frank's in a speedo right now checking out the ladies, and I'm in one of my suits blogging on a beach chair. You should see this one girl in the pool. I swear she's like 17 years old. She has these huge all natural jugs and she's been doing the backstroke for the past hour or so in a bikini that looks like it's about to fall off. Life is good, bros. Seriously. Anyway, we got into Chicago about 4 PM this afternoon, and let me tell you, it was amazing flying over the city and coming through the clouds. (See picture taken with iPhone above.) There's only one thing that could have made the trip better, and that's landing the MiG at Meigs Field. Of course, that little airstrip was illegally demolished years ago courtesy of Richard M. Daley, Chicago mayor and butthead for life. It's getting me all riled up just thinking about it now. But I'm not going to let it get to me. I'm just going to take a sip of my Pinot Noir and watch the 17 year old swim for a while longer.

Red Hat shareholders head for the hills

Big news today from CNET: Credit Suisse is downgrading Red Hat's stock from Outperform to Neutral. See here. Why? According to Credit Suisse, "Our checks indicate that the organization continues to be in a state of flux as the company works through its transition to a multi-product company." That's a polite way of saying that Red Hat's JBoss integration has failed miserably, its organizational structure is so fucked up that nobody can tell who's supposed to be doing what, and its subscription model could possibly be failing. Minor problems, admittedly. But still enough to shake people's faith in the world's greatest open source software company. Strangely enough, CNET recommends that Red Hat let JBoss do its own thing, "similar to how Oracle has managed its acquisitions, to good effect." Um, yeah. 'Nuff said.

I canceled my subscription to the Mercury News

These Mercury News turds (above) pushed my buttons for the last time this weekend. See here. Article is called "Steve Ballmer’s motivation a mystery to Larry Ellison." The gist is that Shit for Brains is underpaid and I'm overpaid. According to them, SFB is great for Microsoft and he's a kind soul for not wanting to be paid very much. And they don't understand why I can't be like SFB. Like, gee, Larry Ellison is such an SOB for wanting to get paid for working.

Well guess what, buttheads? I'm canceling my subscription to your pathetic little rag of a newspaper. Oracle's not going to get it anymore either. And I wiped my ass with it this weekend and flushed it down the toilet.

And I've got a little news flash for you. Whatever Shit for Brains is getting paid is too much. Way too much. The dude has taken the wind out of Microsoft's sails. He's sucked so much life and money out of the company that it's just a shell of its former self. It's not even a monopoly anymore. I mean, let's face it. You know you have a problem when people would rather use Ubuntu than Vista. That's just sad. So no, he's not underpaid. In fact, if anything he should be paying Microsoft to work there.


I never thought I'd say this, but I am really, really happy it's Monday. After two days of non-stop partying on the boat, I'm ready to get back to reality. And my poor boat. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff I found lying on the deck. Or maybe you would. Anyway, I caught up with Frank Chu yesterday and the dude wants to fly to Chicago this week for some national gynecologist convention. So we're going. I'm game for something like that. You can never learn too much, friends. There's this guy down in marketing who has this professional identification card machine, and I got to thinking about it. Like, maybe Frank and I could pretend to be gynecologists. So I pointed my IT security people towards the Blue Cross and Blue Shield databases and told them to get in there and get some names for our fake gynecologist ID cards. Three hours and a couple ID cards later, I'm Dr. Victor Vanderslice, and Frank is Dr. Thomas Pain. We leave as soon as Frank stops tripping out on shrooms. Wouldn't want that dude getting panicked and pulling the ejection lever in the MiG.

September 21, 2007

InformationWeek thinks they’ve reverse engineered me on this SaaS thing

So let me get this straight. SaaS is now a great buy just because I don’t think anybody can make money selling it? Hell yes, according to InformationWeek. See here. Mary Hayes Weier says, "If Ellison's observation isn't a red flag to CIOs, than I don't know what is." This makes a lot of sense. It really does. And it tells us that Mary was one of those girls who got her belly button pierced after her daddy told her not to. She’s also the type of person who speeds to work in the morning because the highway signs tell her not to. Because if somebody tells you that something shouldn’t be done, they must be trying to pull one over you, right? Makes sense to me.

And here’s something else that makes sense to me. Anybody who visits a blog called "CIOs Uncensored" should purchase their goods from Seriously. We don’t want you as an Oracle customer.

It's official: SAP belly flopped

So says in a new article. See here. According to them, "SAP on Thursday got immediate and what can only be called less-than-enthusiastic feedback from the very people it most hoped to please." Yeah. That's an understatement if I've ever heard one. Look, people around Oracle are calling Business ByDesign the new Zune. It's painful to look at, impossible to use, and more expensive than the stuff you should really be buying. And then there's that quote from Bruce Francis,'s vice president of corporate strategy. "I feel like sending Henning Kagermann a fruit basket today," he said. "This is a fantastic thing. What SAP is doing is confusing their customer base and opening minds and markets for the SaaS model."

Right on, Bruce. I'm right there with you, bro. What SAP is doing is kind of like what is doing with That's why I sent you that fruitcake a couple days ago. Hope you enjoyed that, by the way.

You know I hate to toot my horn

But you've just got to see some of today's articles about Oracle. Like this one where Forbes says that "critics said [Larry Ellison] would turn his database company into a hideous-- and expensive-- Frankenstein of a corporation. But, it seems like Ellison will get the last laugh." Um, yeah. Not quite sure what to say to that. Was there ever any doubt whether I'd get the last laugh? No, there was not. And then there's the Goldman Sachs analyst quoted in Business Week who says, "It's a 'wow' result." And a Jefferies & Co. analyst says it was a "bang-up first quarter." Of course it was. And you're welcome. I know Oracle just saved America's ailing economy. Don't mention it. It's my little gift to you guys.

We're having a candlelight vigil for Steve tonight

By now I'm sure you've heard how the SEC is trying to trap Steve by subpoenaing him in the case against former Apple general counsel Nancy Heinen. See here. The feds are up to their usual dirty tricks. They even sent a good cop/bad cop team to Apple yesterday to try to rough Steve up. They said, "Hey Stevie, if you don't want to go to jail right away, you're going to have to go on record and say you didn't do something we know you did. If you do that you're going to jail. And if you don't do that you're going to jail. Pick your poison. But it ain't so bad in prison, bud. We'll give you a breadboard and a soldering iron if you cooperate. You can still make great things like iPods. You will, unfortunately, have to sign away the rights to your intellectual property, so we'll own whatever you make. But you can still make it, and that's what counts, right? Now just tell us the truth."

It's scary stuff, I tell you. I've been humbled by it. It's almost enough to make me not want to cash in my Oracle options. Almost.

Anyway, to show our support for the world's greatest visionary of all time, we're having a candlelight vigil for Steve tonight. We're all going to meet at the Apple Campus at 7 PM. Oh, and it's not really a "candlelight" vigil. It's more like an iPhone and iPod light vigil. So don't bring candles, okay? This isn't a Metallica concert. Bring your iPhones. Bring your iPods. Bring your MacBooks and MacBooks Pros. Bring them all and turn them on. Shine them towards the heavens and light up the night. Let's show the SEC that we're not going to take any more of their regulatory shit.

If you don't have an iPhone or an iPod or a MacBook or a MacBook Pro, don't come. You're no friend of Steve's and you're no friend of mine either. Stay at home, you Ubuntu turds. I'm warning you. I mean it. We're going to have Spot The Ubuntu Turd contests. The winners will get "Free Cupertino" t-shirts.

So get off Facebook, friends, and stop talking on your iPhones. Get out tonight and show solidarity with Steve. Be an activist, not an apathist. See you there.

September 20, 2007

Michael Dell, history buff

The dude's a genius. Seriously. Where Napoleon, Adolf Hitler, and the Swedish Empire have failed, Mr. Dell will win. That's why he's invading Russia this winter and opening a new Dell store in Moscow next month. See here. Gist of the story is this: Since Russia has 28 million Internet users, Dell can sell a lot of boxes there. Probably loaded with Ubuntu and bootleg copies of Windows XP. Believe it or not, Ubuntu is very popular in Russia. So Dell's a perfect fit. I mean, when you put a cheap operating system on a cheap computer and sell it in a country where people make like $9 per month, you're guaranteed to make bank, right? Bloodly brilliant, I tell you. Next up on the Dell Retail Store rollout list are Afghanistan and Kenya. Those countries don't have millions of Internet users, but they do have a lot of mules. So people may not be able to get online, but at least they'll be able to get their fancy new Dells home. I know what you're thinking. Yes, it's crazy. Yes, Michael Dell has taken one too many hits on the Ubuntu crack pipe. But the strategy is bound to work at least as well as the Wal-Mart thing, right? Eh. Okay, maybe not.

Listen, if somebody asked me what I'd do if I was the CEO of Dell, I'd tell them I'd shut it down and give the money back to the shareholders. Seriously. Because this Russia thing is not looking good for those poor shareholders. Give it six, maybe eight months. Dell will be out of Russia after winter. Just wait and see.

That's how we roll

The financial flakes said we couldn't do it. They said buying into applications was a mistake that would never pay off. And man were they were wrong. It just goes to show that analysts know very little of anything. Suckers. We blew out our numbers and blew their business socks off. I mean, check out the stats. Profit up twenty five percent. $4.53 billion in revenue. And applications and Middleware sales through the roof. What else could you possibly want? What's that? A BEA Systems buyout, an IBM knockout, and another kickass quarter? It'll happen, bros. Patience. All of it except the BEA Systems buyout. I really hate that little turd of a company.

It's go time

This is it, bros. Time to announce the quarterly results. And you know what's going to happen, don't you? Of course you do. I'm going to bring home the bacon. I'm going to get this party started and raise the fucking roof. Maybe. Or maybe not. No forward-looking statements, friends. Yes, I know it sucks, but it's the law. I will tell you this one thing though. After partying the night before a big conference call, you really need to kick back, close your eyes, picture lonelygirl15 in her underwear, and sip a cup of Starbucks with some aspirin and a polish hot dog from Costco. The hangover will melt away, the ecstasy trip will end, and you'll be ready to kick ass. Let's do this thing, boys.

September 19, 2007

We're rocking the boat early this week

You probably know that Oracle is releasing its quarterly results tomorrow. And believe me, I really want to tell you how we did this quarter. But I can't. At least not yet. What I can tell you is that we're already throwing a bunch of big ass parties on my boats. You probably won't believe this, but right now I'm totally being crowd surfed up to the top deck of the Rising Sun, Macbook Pro and all. Most of Oracle's employees are out here, and have been for most of the day. See video footage taken earlier in the day above. But, anyway. This rock the Oracle boat thing is kind of an annual event. In good years we party hard and have a lot of fun. In bad years we make the losers among us walk the plank. But this year we have something really special. I had a bunch of custom pinatas made. They're really incredible. Some look like Marten Mickos, some look like red hats, and a few even look like Shit for Brains. Everybody gets to take a whack. So party hardy, friends. Let's do this thing.

"Business ByDesign is like, uh, you know. One of those thingamajigs. Kinda like the one has."

So this is it. After months of wondering and waiting and reading articles that claimed A1S would fly us to the moon and back, Henning gives us this. Yet another complicated, one-size-fits-all, subscription-based package for small and medium-size businesses. What a downer. Jesus. SAP might as well called its announcement "Nap Time" or something. The reporters were nodding off, and you know it's bad when that happens. Even the valley girls over at Business Week knew what to make of it. According to them, "SAP's approach could present opportunities for competitors, including Oracle." Um, yeah. You think? Listen, SAP is like one of those oil tankers that takes 3 miles to turn a tiny bit to the right. If they make a wrong move or turn too late in the game, they're fucked. And that's what happened today. They just screwed themselves over, big time.

Microsoft is getting dirty

Special thanks to the reader who sent in this breaking news story from Mary Jo "I love Microsoft" Foley. According to the article, "Microsoft execs also announced that, starting today, customers who migrate from Oracle to SQL Server will get a 50 percent discount on the price of SQL Server Enterprise Edition or 25 percent off the price of Standard Edition." In other words, Shit for Brains wants to mud wrestle with me. Like the fat kid in elementary school who gets picked on one too many times, SFB has stripped down to his tighty whities, waded into the muck, and called me out. He wants to prove himself, and he's out for blood. Thing is, I don't need to fight the guy. Oracle has better shit that runs on every operating system, not just Windows. So go fight somebody your own size, Steve. Maybe, um, Sybase. Yeah. They'll probably take the bait.

I visited Gizmodo this afternoon

Didn't see much in the way of news, but I did stumble upon this advertisement. I think it could function as a metaphor for the entire website. What do you think? Anyway, I just bought a couple of these Washlet things for my house. You never know when you'll need to wash your buttcheeks, right? And to tell you the truth I'm getting a little tired of buying that special toilet paper with the Microsoft logo printed on every square.

The Mark Zuckerberg flowchart

What can I say? It's been a slow day at the office. It took Safra and I like half an hour to finish up everything for the conference call tomorrow. After that I just kind of bummed around and surfed the web for a while. But then I got this great idea. Like, I had this vision, I guess. I saw Mark Zuckerberg's life flash before my eyes, and I needed to write it down in a flow chart. So I did. Just click that little image to the right and you'll see the whole thing. Enjoy.

Whatever happened to BEA Systems?

So, hypothetical situation: You're sitting with Safra, talking about tomorrow's conference call with Oracle investors. What company names are you going to drop? Who are you going to make sound like shit? Who are you going to buy out in the next few months? And you come up with a couple names. Red Hat. MySQL. SAP. Microsoft. Sun Microsystems. Okay, maybe not Sun. And then you realize, whoa. Holy smokes. BEA Systems isn't on your list. And why is that?

They were doing so well, and they still kind of are, but they've lost something. Yes. They've lost their virginity and the light has gone out of their eyes and they're just not fun anymore. They've burned out and washed up. And you just don't care about them. You really don't. You don't want to buy them or talk about them or even hear about them anymore. And you also know that you can't make any forward-looking statements, so you just talk about all of this hypothetically and keep it to yourself.

Safra says that companies are like flowers: they bloom only once. She says there are a lot of one-hit wonders out there who do one thing and then never do anything else. And she says BEA Systems is one of those companies.

Food for thought, bros.

September 18, 2007

Okay, I get the picture, Ubuntu

You turds have made it very clear that you're incapable of thinking rational, logical thoughts. All you people think about is sex, compilers, and beer. In that order. But please stop sending me these pictures. They're disturbing.

" is like HyperCard only 1,000 times better. Now let's see a show of hands. Who's going to buy it?"

More brilliance this week from Marc "You can't always be first" Benioff. It's two days and two new product lines into Dreamforce 2007, and we've been wowed. The wow is now, as they say at Microsoft. I mean, seriously. I can't believe some of these products. They're amazing. Oh, wait. No. I'm thinking of SAP's A1S that's coming out tomorrow. But still. I think this whole thing has potential. I really do. I mean, once these guys can turn Salesforce Content into something more than an Alfresco demo, that'll be a cool product. And Salesforce Ideas sounds like a Facebook application, right? Just think of the possibilities there. Post employee pics and turn it into the company Hot or Not site. Or maybe vote on the type of Starbucks coffee the office should buy. Or something. I don't know. Anyway, I'm impressed. Seriously. I mean it. scores another branding victory

See here. And actually I lied. This isn’t a branding victory at all -- it’s a branding disaster that students at Harvard are going to read about in a couple years. See, Chairman and CEO Marc Benioff decided it wasn’t enough to have a .com suffix affixed to his company’s name. So he renamed his developer platform Again. It’s one of those "in with the new boss same as the old boss" type things. Brilliant, Marc. And I need to congratulate you on some of those quotes you fed people at Dreamforce. Like this one: "I did it under duress of the employees. Today I think we really got that." You sure did, bro. People don’t know whether you’re coming or going.

This dame is so right about FreeBSD

See here. She talks all about how FreeBSD rocks her world and Linux blows goats. Best quote: "Linux is more like a barrel of monkeys — loud, messy, chaotic and very busy." Then she goes on to say that "FreeBSD users sometimes gaze quizzically at Linux users and wonder why they do everything the hard way," something I can definitely relate to. Ahem. I'm looking at you, Ubuntu turds. Listen, I'm not kidding when I say that I'd love to make every Oracle customer run FreeBSD. It's just a better operating system. I mean, why do you think Apple uses it? And check out those FreeBSD Devilettes. Not too shabby, eh?

Facebook's marketing goldmine may be crock of shite

And before the Facebook freaks get all huffy and put a bounty on my head, I'll have you know that the title is actually the Register's. See here. The story goes like this: Since Facebook's 40 million users enter a bunch of bogus numbers for things like age, height, etc., all of the trends and factoids gleaned from Facebook's data are probably bunk. Or they're just common sense things, like college students drink beer on the weekends, and Microsoft employees pick their noses at work. That sort of thing. It doesn't do anybody any good. It's kind of like how we know Oracle users are unmarried nerds who eat dinner alone and watch The Simpsons before going to bed at 11. Despite what you might think, that kind of information doesn't help us. Well, okay. It does a little bit. I mean, we know that we should use sexy women in our advertising and sponsor speed dating events. But that's it.

So what's next for Mark Zuckerberg? Why, more investments, of course. While announcing the new fbFund last night, Zuckerberg said that Facebook is "just looking for innovative and disruptive things." Which makes perfect sense, when you think about it. When the demographic numbers don't add up, just go and virtually knee your friends in the nuts. Sounds like fun. You know, I hope somebody goes and creates a virtual nose-picking application that lets you flick boogers on your friends. The Microsoft people would have a field day with that.

AOL moving headquarters to tent made out of recycled AOL CDs

Jesus. I can't believe this is really happening to Ted Turner's nemesis. I really can't. Even I used to use AOL back in the day. Anyway, here's an excerpt of something I found on the Internet.

"In what appears to be a stunning sign of the times, and in perhaps the largest gesture of corporate goodwill this month, Web 2.0 victim AOL said today that it will direct its remaining 73 employees to assemble a new tent headquarters structure in New York City. Ron Grant, AOL's president and CEO, said that he's excited by the news. 'I just have so many AOL CDs that I need to get rid of,' Grant said while walking from Dulles to New York. 'It's great. I'm happy I can give something back to the company.' When asked how he planned to return his company to profitability, Grant said the company would sell advertising on its tent and 'make money off the Internet.' Grant said AOL was also planning to construct pit latrines in Central Park and then charge vagrants to use them."

See full article here.

UPDATE: I just called Ron on his cell phone and asked him about sending in AOL CDs. He said yes, people can send their personal AOL CD collections, but they’re only taking back 5 CDs per person. You can, however, send another 5 CDs if you also send something of value that AOL can auction off. Ron used the example of heirloom diamond earrings. Anyway. Just a FYI for you AOL fans.

Red Hat tags along; bashes Microsoft

These Red Hat people are a riot. Seriously. I mean, check this out. After spending the entire day watching the rest of the world react positively to Europe's decision to punish Microsoft, Red Hat CEO Matthew Szulik finally issues a press release commending the decision. Szulik says, "Given Red Hat’s firm belief that competition, not questionable patent and trade secret claims, drives innovation and creates greater consumer value, we were pleased with the overall decision and look forward to examining the decision in greater detail." In other words, Red Hat strongly believes that buggy open source operating systems drive innovation. But only when customers pay Red Hat thousands of dollars per year to support the buggy open source operating systems. That's where the greater consumer value comes in. Get it? You better. Because according to Szulik & Co. Red Hat's pretty much the only enterprise alternative to Microsoft. So good luck, dudes. And remember to use protection. Because honestly, I wouldn't touch that company with a ten foot pole.

September 17, 2007

Steve thinks he’s driving to England tonight

He calls me up and he’s like, dude, I just bought this kickass RV for the drive to England. I’m taking the wife and kids and turning the European iPhone announcement tomorrow into a vacation. That’s right, bud. It’s time for a little R&R and maybe even a trip to Disney World on the way home. We’re leaving tonight. And Larry. Oh my God. You’ve got to see this RV, man. Fucking incredible. I can even fit my Benz into this little garage thing under the RV. And I say, wow, gee, that sounds really cool, Steve. But you can’t drive to England, bro. There’s just no way to get there from here. And there’s a pause. Then he says, yes there is, Larry. You go through Canada. I have the map right here on my iPhone. And I say, Steve. Jesus, man. Just get on your Gulfstream tomorrow and learn some geography. It’s not going to kill you. Then he starts dropping the f-bomb and saying how I’m against him and gee, how much did Katie Cotton pay me to say that anyway because he’d really like to know. Then the guy hangs up on me. Just like that.

I love Steve, but sometimes I really worry about the guy. And I’m not sure what’s going to happen tomorrow. Hopefully they won’t find him in his RV at the bottom of the Atlantic.

I swear I didn't know this was coming out today

Okay, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, gee Larry, isn't it strange that you release something called Oracle SQL Developer Migration Workbench which helps people move their MySQL and Microsoft databases into your new 11g database on the same day Microsoft gets hammered for being a monopoly? And don't you want people to go, "Holy shit! I fucking keep my databases in software made by a monopoly? I need to get out of this crap and into Oracle ASAP."

Well, no. I mean, of course we'd like people to make the right decision and use our superior products. But if they don't want to, that's their choice. We're not using the news to influence them. Seriously. Anyway, Safra sets all of the release dates. And I know for a fact she would never do something this underhanded.

My take on this Microsoft anti-trust ruling

By now you've probably read about how the European court laughed at the Microsoft asshats. If not, see here. Basically, they're guilty of being a monopoly and screwing people over big time. Shocker, right? I mean, come on. Who didn't know this was going to happen? Think about it. This was the only possible outcome for a company that tries to make, borrow, buy or steal every single piece of software ever made. This was the only possible outcome for a company that controls every aspect of the OEM contracts and sues people like Michael Dell when they whine a little. This was the only possible outcome for a company that takes broken applications that are still in Alpha testing and bundles them into Windows Vista. This was the only possible outcome for a company that sells the shittiest software on Earth and then laughs all the way to the bank.

And in case you're wondering, no, I don't feel bad for these people. These Microsoft turds are like the jocks who always beat people up in high school and then wonder why they're sent to the principal's office. They don't feel shame. They don't listen to reason. And they don't stop until somebody cracks them over the head a couple times with a two by four.

Honestly, the main problem was Bill. He was the one who fucked Microsoft and created the monopoly culture. He was the guy who always brought catapults to knife fights. He just didn't know when to stop. He tried to be John D. Rockefeller. He wanted everything. If he was smart, he would have tried to be J. P. Morgan. That's what I do. It works every time. Just keep a low profile. Be a country gentleman about everything. Play golf with the president and sail a yacht. Drink chocolate milk before you go to bed. And don't act like your company is a monopoly. Buy out the best businesses and let the worst ones kill themselves off. Make it look like you just happened into a position of power. Make it look like it was luck.

Ah, well. It's too late for Microsoft now. They've screwed themselves. From this day forward the government of China will be telling Shit for Brains how to run his company. And they've probably ruined it for the rest of us, too. Apple's going to be in the cross-hairs here soon.

So thanks a lot, Bill. Your legacy of shitty software lives on. We salute you, Captain of Crap Software. And we salute you with our middle fingers only. We call it our one finger victory salute.

Shit for Brains is buying a bike

A reputable source has just informed me that Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will be purchasing a crotch rocket or a chopper early this week. Apparently Shit for Brains is leaning towards the chopper because it costs less and he wants to make lots and lots of noise and cruise down the highway in spread eagle position. That and he wants to show off his ass crack. According to the source, he’d like to feel the wind against his tongue and his bald head and his sweaty armpits. So he’s buying one. And he’s also buying a lifetime membership in the Hells Angels motorcycle club. The source said that SFB claims it was his wife’s idea, but everybody knows that’s a bunch of baloney. Personally, I think he just wants to get all of the anti-trust stuff off his mind. Maybe it’ll help. All I know is that’s a lot of power in between your legs. I hope SFB can handle the heat.

September 16, 2007

LAN party at Oracle last night

What do you call a LAN party where women flash for frags, the Kegs never run dry, and three circuit breakers blow at the same time? You call it a success, that's what. It all happened at the Oracle LAN party last night. At one point there were over 500 guys there. We had a strict dress code for the women -- nobody got in if they were wearing more than a toga or a two-piece bathing suit. Sure it was sexist, but Safra said it wasn't a problem since it was after hours and by invitation only. And the women weren't even the best part. The best part was that I won every single game of Command and Conquer 3. Yes, my personal engineers rigged the game so that I would win, but I was still kicking ass. Seriously. Ask anybody who was there.

AP reporters wig out a lot

You've probably already read Michael Liedtke's article about how I want to be paid for working at Oracle. If not, see here. Michael says that I gave myself "a fiscal 2007 pay package valued at $61.2 million and stock options [worth] nearly $182 million." And this is a really big deal to a guy like Michael, because he makes $15,000 a year working for the Associated Press. He also knows that anybody who's anybody in the Valley gets paid a salary of $1 per year and then gets a shitload of stock options. Except for Larry Ellison. According to Michael, I'm the Valley villain.

Listen, Michael. I know it probably never occurred to you that $250 million is chump change for a company like Oracle. And you probably don't know that I spend all of this $250 million on boats and planes and iPods and shit. But I do. It helps our economy, you dumb fuck. We're right on the brink of another great depression if you haven't noticed. If I only got $1 per year and then hoarded all of my money like Steve and Larry and Sergey do, our economy would tank and life as we know it would end forever. And you'd be out of a job, Mike. You wouldn't want that, would you? No? That's what I thought. So just let me do my thing, bro. Let the Larry Ellison Redistribution of Wealth Project (LEROWP) run its course and employ thousands of boat and plane and iPod assemblers worldwide. Let it fight inflation and protect our nation from subprime loans and peak oil. Think about it.

September 15, 2007

How do you say boondoggle in Swahili?

Hint: The phrase starts with "$100" and ends with "laptop." Yes, you read that correctly. "$100 laptop" is the newest four letter word in places like Nigeria. And it's probably not a good time to be working for the One Laptop per Child Foundation, especially since they just jacked the price up. Sources tell me that several OLPC employees have already been pistol whipped by young African men (above) who will no longer be able to afford the portable computers that now cost $188 each.

So why the price jump? Apparently Red Hat wanted to up its support price by $5 per laptop, and then Novell caught wind of it and wanted in on the action too. So now the OLPC has a laptop that costs $10 to make and $178 to support. Makes sense right? No? Well, I don't get it either. Guess we'll have to blame it on the rising cost of free software. I just feel sorry for the third world countries that are going to have to foot the bill. Nobody should have to pay that much for a computer that runs Fedora and is full of recycled Apple IIe parts.

September 14, 2007

Marten Mickos: "We are now only 15 years behind Oracle"

The world's best database for third world developing countries is about to get a heck of a lot better. See here. According to Zack Urlocker, Executive VP of Products, MySQL will soon let you "monitor dozens of replicated systems," a feature Oracle has had since version 7. But you know what? I'm happy for these guys. Nobody should be forced to live in the stone ages forever, right? So here's to you and your rabid followers, Mickos. Welcome to 1992.

"Now take this iPhone and imagine it in New Zealand. No wait. Imagine it in Argentina. No wait."

Apple’s really jerking Steve around on this European iPhone announcement they’re going to make next week. According to Steve, the board is worried about him slipping and talking about a country that’s not located in Europe. Al Gore was going on and on about how the dude didn’t graduate from college and can’t locate any country on a map except India. So first they told him he needed a crash course in geography. Katie Cotton said, look, you’re taking this geography session at Cal Tech or Phil Schiller's doing the announcement. And Steve said fine, okay, whatever. But then when he showed up late to the session, Katie blew her top and said they might not say anything at all. She said she had it all planned out and that Apple was just going to say it had no comment and then it would let the service providers in Europe take care of everything. But now she’s changed her mind again. She’s lined up George Bush’s geography teachers and wants them to fly to Europe with Steve. She says they’re the best money can buy and if they can’t help him nobody can. So, basically, if he can’t locate Germany on a map by the time he gets to Europe, he’s not doing the announcement. I don’t know what he’ll do if that happens. He might have to go to the red light district in Hamburg or something. We’ll see.

September 13, 2007

Another reason why we're not supporting Ubuntu

As if we needed another reason, right? Anyway, I'm not sure if this is real or not. Oracle Homeland Security said it was just one of those things that may or may not be legit. But hey, that's good enough for me. I think it's real.

Damn you, Larry and Sergey

These guys just never stop, do they? It's not enough for them to have founded one of the largest companies in Silicon Valley. No. All the Toyota Priuses and Google Phones and Mac Pros and hot women in the world could never sate the appetite of the gTurds. They have to have it all. Case in point: The founders are going to start parking their Boeing 767 at NASA's Moffett Field. See here. And they'll be parking right next to my MiG and Cessna and C-130. Buttheads.

The real reason we don't support Ubuntu

We can't associate with a company that does this sort of thing. It's just perverse. I mean, we're trying to convey a professional, no-nonsense image here, and Ubuntu wants people to believe that its operating system is for people who vacation on nude beaches or something. So no, Oracle is not going to support its products on Ubuntu. No way. Not going to happen. It doesn't matter how many articles like this keep appearing.

BTW, there's a time and place for images like this. It's called Diggnation.

Do people really hate me this much?

Or do they just want me to cry myself to sleep every night? All I know is that these Linux Magazine people are out to get me. See here. Here's the best quote: "Oracle founder and CEO Larry Ellison resembles a classically-styled supervillain... You just know that his $16,000,000 Atherton CA, Japanese feudal estate, complete with tea gardens, Bonsai trees, and sakura blossoms also has sharks with frickin' laser beams in the swimming pool."

Actually, it doesn't Jason. It has minnows with friggin laser beams in the swimming pool. I've embraced nano technology, you turd. Why don't you come over for a swim tomorrow? The water's nice this time of year.

Throw up the horns, throw back a beer, and objectify women

That's what you do when you're Kevin Rose, because you own one of those Web 2.0 sites and you do whatever the fuck you want. You even have a podcast called Diggnation where you drink beer like there's no tomorrow. You set up a little camcorder in the crib and talk with Alex Albrecht AKA Dennis the Menace about what happened on CNN that week. To attract a crowd and keep yourself amused, you get really hot girls to dress up like maids and then bend over in front of the camera so everyone can see their undies. Oh, and you talk really slow and use dumbed down language for the millions of 9 year-olds watching your podcast. That's not really hard for you, because you're kind of like a 9 year-old yourself. Your balls never dropped. You can't grow facial hair. Your friends call you Numbnuts, and so does Larry Ellison.

And you know what? I have no problem with any of it. Diggnation gets Larry's red stamp of approval. Seriously. I wouldn't want anyone other than Numbnuts and Dennis the Menace instilling values like these in our 9 year-olds. So here's to you, boys. Hold those horns high and keep up the good work. Larry salutes you.

September 12, 2007

Mission Control to CmdrTaco

I had lunch with Eric Schmidt today. Little Larry advice here: Don't ever eat with the guy. Seriously. I mean, the dude eats like a friggin horse. He just devoured everything on the table, including my hot dogs. No joke.

Anyway, in between bites he said Larry, whatever happened to that old tech news site? The one with the black and green color scheme that always had stories about NASA and cold fusion and inflation as it relates to string theory? I asked him if he was talking about Slashdot. He said, yeah, that one. And then we got into it. We decided that CmdrTaco AKA Rob Malda has basically gone insane in the little dream world he's constructed for himself. The dude needs a reality check. Linux isn't going to win, the Matrix isn't the coolest movie anymore, and Digg is just friggin killing Slashdot. And after I got back to the office and scoped out the guy's personal website, I got really worried. I thought he might have overdosed on Visual Basic or Red Hat or something. But then I called Eric and he said, no, Taco was fine. Because he had just run Malda's IP address through all of Google's records and found that he'd been searching for things like "Windows NT" and "Hypercard" and "Microsoft Antitrust suit" and "Britney Spears is sooo fucking hot" within the past week. So no. Rob was fine. Well, maybe not fine. But alive at least.

Rob, if you can read this right now, take a shit and get a shave, bro. Get off the beanbag, put on a shirt, and go buy a Mac. Seriously. They're in vogue these days. And then surf on over to Digg and catch up on the news, okay? A lot has happened while you've been, well, away from us. Then get some help. I mean it, Rob. Otherwise I'm going to call the authorities and have them help you. Because nobody should be forced to use Windows ME for the rest of his life. Not even you.

When it comes to Sun's deal with the devil, the cure really is worse than the disease

Years from now people will look back at Sun Microsystems and say, Larry, what was the one event that fucked that poor little company once and for all? And I'll say, well, it happened on September 12, 2007 when Sun sold its soul to the devil. Captain Jonathan Schwartz was tripping on shrooms and decided to start shipping systems with Windows. He steered his ship into a pirate harbor teeming with lowlifes like the notorious and infamous Shit for Brains. And the rest, as they say, is history. Mermaids peed on the wreckage, etc.

Or, to put it another way, Jonathan Schwartz thinks he can fix Sun's identity crisis by getting a lobotomy. And it's stupid enough to work. At least for a little while, until the doctors come out and say, well, the operation was a success, but the patient died.

Cheerio, chap.

You know you want to hit this

Check this out. The Oracle Apps people are planning on hosting a Lunch 2.0 shindig at the ranch on October 22. Great idea, right? That's why I'm taking over and the planning the entire event personally. I mean, come on. We can't let the Apps people frig the whole thing up. It's just too important.

I'm taking the thing up a notch. Amber Mac and Veronica Belmont have already agreed to come, but only on the condition that we give them the red carpet treatment. No problem there. I lined up a couple of their stalkers to follow them around with some special x-ray vision camcorders. And in case you're wondering, no, the stalkers aren't Kevin Rose and Alex Albrecht. But they will be here to film an episode of Diggnation. Instead of drinking beer, they'll be sampling Larry's homemade bonsai brownies. The special kind. No, I'm not kidding. It's in the contract they just signed.

So RSVP ASAP, freaks.

UPDATE: I've just been informed that Mark Zuckerberg will be attending. You know what that means, bros. Bring your rotten tomatoes. A free fake Ferrari car door handle goes to the first person to nail Zuckerberg with a cream pie.

September 11, 2007

I have a cold fusion reactor I'd like to sell this guy

There are only two types of people in the world: Those who understand technology, and those who don't. This article seems to indicate that Business Week's Peter Burrows lands squarely in the n00b category. The dude thinks Steve might buy up a chunk of the wireless spectrum for all of Apple's devices, like the iMac and iPhone and AppleTV and shit. That way, according to Peter, everything will be able to phone home and seamlessly sync with .Mac or whatever. So let me get this right. Peter thinks a bunch of wireless devices will be communicating via a center server. Tell me this isn't the Network Computer. Go ahead. Do it, punk. Tell me this isn't the idea I came up with over ten years ago.

And for your information, no, Steve is not going to place a bid on the wireless spectrum. But Google will. And when they win, they'll be letting Apple use it for pennies on the dollar. That's how Google is. They think they're geniuses, but they're real morons when it comes to making money. And Steve's about to take Eric on the ride of his life.


Hypothetical situation: Say you really want to win the next America's Cup and so does a cracked-out billionaire drug lord. The crack-head gets all of his drug cartel friends together to try to push through a new set of boat specifications. They want to sail bigger boats so they can transport more drugs and push more pills. And you're trying to be nice about it, because you don't really want to open him up to a bunch of federal investigations and international penalties and drug rehab programs, right? So you just take him to court and say, hey, wait a sec. The honor and tradition and history of the America's Cup is on the line here. We can't allow this to happen. And then articles like this start appearing and the drug lord, who gets quoted while he's stoned, says that you've been "eliminated." Your lawyers tell you not to say anything about it. What would you do?

Well, I guess I'd say that I'd spend some more time in the MiG simulator to practice bombing drug lords in sail boats. And I'd probably also tell Ernesto Bertarelli to start taking his medication again, because he seems to be wigging out a little. And then I'd probably tell the world that I haven't been eliminated. I'd say that I'm only getting started. I'd say that I'm about to unleash hell on the dude, because I'm madder than a Frenchman stuck in the Grand Canyon without deodorant. And then I'd fire up the MiG and launch a Sidewinder missile with Ernesto Bertarelli's name on it.

But of course all of this is just hypothetical, and I'm not going to say anything except that I have no comment, because that's what my lawyers told me to say. Okay? I have no comment. You can quote me on that. Happy now?

Forget LAMP already -- say hello to LAOP

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past ten years, LAMP stands for Linux, Apache, MySQL, and PHP. It's a kind of so-so open source server stack for people who think they can't afford to buy anything. Turds working at places like Red Hat slap all of those free pieces of software together and hand you something that costs, what, about $50,000 a year to support? Call it the hidden cost of open source.

Anyway. So we took a look at the entire LAMP thing and thought, wow, this is an awesome fixer-uper. Like a house that has a leaky roof and a bathtub that backs up, we took LAMP and made it our own. First order of business? Take out the weakest link, which is MySQL, and swap in Oracle. Boom. Say hello to LAOP. Think Oracle is a strange bedfellow? Think again. Check out this article where the author raves about how Oracle was built for Linux, and Linux was built for Oracle. And best part is that the author shows how we're sticking it to Red Hat with our new Oracle distribution of Linux. Sadly, there's no mention of the fact that LAOP costs a fraction of what LAMP costs to support.

And yes, I know that there are hundreds of acronyms floating around out there. Some open source turds seem to think that we should be using the acronym POLA instead of LAOP. To which I say: They would think that. POLA sounds like a friggin STD, not a kick-ass server stack.

September 10, 2007

SFB wants it all

See here. Looks like some Microsoft flake was trying to be a hero by offering to wash and wax people's BMWs in exchange for votes for Microsoft's new XML document format. Shit for Brains probably sent him a bunch of wax and polishing rags. Funny thing is that the format still failed to get ISO approval. Gee, I'm shocked. And I'm also shocked that the Seattle Times got the story all wrong. Like with this quote: "There's no obvious victim, like Netscape, to suggest Microsoft is stifling innovative new companies." Um, yes there is. It's a little company called Sun Microsystems. Have you heard of them? They're right on the brink, but they're still alive -- at least, they were the last time I checked.

Listen, Steve. The people have spoken, and they have said no to your frigged-up standard. But you're not listening, are you? You're going to try again and again and again until somebody drills you new ears. Shame on you, freak.

Special thanks to the dude who snapped this picture of SFB way back in the day. SFB never had hair, did he?

Hellva job, Szulik

This is one shipwreck I don't want to miss. I mean, just look at all the great things Matthew Szulik, Red Hat's CEO, is doing for the company. Their stock has tanked. Their JBoss buyout is starting to look like the pile of dogshit it was all along. And now Novell is beating them at their own game. I can kind of understand buying JBoss, but losing to Novell? Come on.

Listen, if I owned stock in Red Hat, I'd put Szulik out to pasture ASAP. The dude's past his prime and he doesn't know when to quit. Take the guy out, and do it now before all of you are tarred and feathered by the Ubuntu turds.

My weekend with Schwarzenegger

And what a weekend it was, friends. On Saturday we went to the 31st Annual Muscle Building Benefit Lunch in Sacramento, and that afternoon we attended an anti-feminist rally in L.A. I didn't even know anti-feminist rallies existed, but apparently this entire movement has been around for a while now. Whatever. I bought a lifetime membership at the rally. Hugh Hefner was the keynote speaker, and the crowd went wild when he came out -- just wild. This one dude standing next to Arnold the whole time was jumping up and down and giggling like a teenage girl. At one point he even spilled beer on Arnold's suit, which didn't go over too well. And then on Sunday, Arnold and Karl and I went cruising around Woodside in the Karmann Ghia, looking for boobs and butts. We did see some nice tail. Arnold brought his paint ball gun, which he said would come in handy if we ran into any "girlie men."

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Crazy. That's what I thought, too. Anyway, the whole point of the weekend was to get Schwarzenegger to legalize pot and help me secede from the United States. Because I've actually wanted to turn my Woodside house into its own sovereign nation for a while now. Want to call it Larryland. I've already had the flag and constitution drawn up. All I need now is government approval.

But would Arnold help me? Would he throw yours truly a bone? No, he would not. He said he knew where I was coming from, but he couldn't help me. But wasn't California a great state? Especially with him as governor. I should be thankful to live in his jurisdiction.

Whatever, bonehead. Larryland is going to happen, with or without your help.

September 7, 2007

Wanted: Individual wearing gorilla suit

Have a bit of bad news this afternoon. Oracle Homeland Security couldn't find any trace of the dart-board Larry-hater. No fingerprints. No footage on the security cameras. No tips. No real leads. Nada. Nothing. Except for this cell phone video footage captured by Karl Rove last night outside my house. Apparently some freak wearing a gorilla suit was wandering around in my garden. Not quite sure what to make of the whole thing, personally.

Listen, gorilla man or woman. Please give me a call. We'd like to ask you a few questions, okay? That's it. I'll even throw in a few free bananas if you call tonight. Deal?

"Can Oracle hear me?"

That's what I wanted to call our newest contest, but Safra said no way, Jose. So we're just calling it the Oracle Innovation Award. See here. Yeah, it's a boring name. But the contest is anything but. Check it out. Do something cool with Middlewear and you could win a shitload of money and a trip to Larryland. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you wow us and totally blow us away. Make it open your garage door. Turn it into a software toilet flusher that activates on voice commands. Create a high tech spam bot that dubs as a DOS attack server and then point it at Microsoft's website. I don't care. Just remember to send a picture of yourself along with your entry. It would work to your advantage to be an attractive young woman with blond hair and blue eyes, but I don't always discriminate. Sometimes I'm partial to brunettes. Oh, and please, for the love of God, don't be stupid like that Google wannabe (above) who took a roadtrip in his ghetto conversion van and made a complete fool out of himself. I swear we'll sue you if you embarrass us like that.

Yeah, we gave ourselves a pat on the back. So what?

Jesus. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. A bunch of people are bitching and complaining about this little press release we sent out yesterday. Look, all we did was talk about how Oracle offers small businesses practically every option they could ever want or need. What's so bad about that? I mean, really. Are you saying we're big and bad just because we can offer people the whole enchilada? Are you saying we're evil just because we don't sell people bits and pieces of crappy software that don't fit together? Please. That's called progress where I come from. And it's one of the many benefits of consolidation in the software industry.

I know there are plenty of turds out there who can't or won't want to understand this consolidation thing. So check this out. Maybe the next time you're in the market for a new car, you should try building it from scratch. Like, go around and buy every single part you need -- things like the fan belts and bolts and wheels and shit. Then put it all together by yourself. Then come back to me and tell me that vertical integration is a bad thing. Seriously. I'll be here waiting.

In case you're wondering, no, I didn't write this

This graduation speech I supposedly delivered at Yale a couple years ago has been floating around the Internet for a while now. Listen, people. It's a fake. A phony. And it was probably a cockeyed scheme to extort money out of yours truly. I mean, I know it sounds a little like something I would say to thousands of wide-eyed graduates. But come on. I'd never actually deliver a graduation speech like this. What I'd really talk about is how graduates can delay the inevitable onslaught of the grueling 9-5 workday by coming to Oracle. I'd tell them that working for Oracle is like prolonging the magic. With our strong fraternity culture and K.E.G. lunch program, we have everything recovering alcoholics need to succeed.

BTW, people seem to think I blow a gasket when I see stuff like this. I don't. Honestly, I laugh my ass off. Because to tell you the truth I would love to deliver a speech like this. Unfortunately, I can't have people running around pretending to be me. We're suing the dude who wrote this, and we're also pressing charges. Turns out his name is Mark Zuckerberg. He is, coincidently, also a college dropout.

September 6, 2007

This isn't funny

So I go to the Oracle gym this evening and find this hanging on the wall next to my personal Stairmaster. Yes, I'm still shaking. I mean, there are no words to describe something like this. It's just a random act of hate. Only it's not random. Somebody knew I was going to see this over my V8 and the Mercury News and then just lose it. They knew I would start crying and screaming and shit. Which is exactly what I did. The good news is that Oracle Homeland Security is taking fingerprints off the dart-board as I write this, so we should know who it was by tomorrow at the latest. To tell you the truth, I honestly don't know who would do something like this. Paris? Ballmer? Zuckerberg? Mickos? Schwartz? Some other turd? It doesn't matter now, anyway. We'll find whoever did this and... well, I don't know what we'll do to them. But we'll come up with something. Justice will be served, friends.

Dear Shit for Brains...

It's been a while since I last wrote to you. I figured I'd start this thing up again. As in, open the channels of communication and drop you a line. You're probably still using Outlook, that queer little shoot-from-the-hip email application that doesn't always receive messages, but I figured, what the hell? Or maybe you're using one of those new big-ass Microsoft coffee tables to read this. Whatever.

Anyway, I just wanted to send my condolences. Everybody can see that you and Microsoft are in the ultimate tailspin and downward spiral. You're losing, Steve, and it's painful to watch. Horrific. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm not really. I've actually been laughing about it a lot. All the shitty software and delayed releases and poor marketing finally caught up to you. That's what you get for naming a music player "Zune." I mean, come on. It really does sound like a turd. Couldn't you have come up with something better?

And what's with Vista, Steve? Why the fuck can't your people just make the software you sell instead of copying somebody else? Or at least buy the competition. Hell, that's what I do. You aren't fooling anybody with that "Gadgets" crap -- we all know you ripped off Dashboard. Even Pogue called you on it, Steve. Yes, I know he's owned by Apple, but he has shit for brains, too.

Okay. Enough of the bullshit.

What I want to say, and I mean really want to say, is that we're not going to have mercy on you. We're not going to stop kicking you and rubbing your face in the dirt until you're gone forever. The gang has hung the noose and it's out for blood. Google. Apple. Oracle. Sun. Okay, maybe not Sun. But everybody else, Steve. We're going to get you, because you're stupid enough to fall into our traps. You have Google envy, and that's just sad, Steve. I mean, they friggin sell advertising for crying out loud. Advertising. That's all they do. And yet you're pouring billions into the war against them, kind of like how the U.S. is pouring billions into Iraq. It's a war you can't win, Steve. And then you reached for the forbidden fruit: the iPod. The holy grail of music players. The device that blew everything else out of the water. You saw it, Steve, and you reached for it with the Zune, but God just farted on you. It's a cruel, harsh world.

Oh, and one other thing. Get out of the database market, Steve. Your product is the laughing stock of the industry. People use it when they want to lose data. I mean, you know you're in trouble when the IRS is your biggest customer. So cut the cut cord, bro. Pull the plug.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to retire. Take a permanent vacation. Bum around for a while. Go hang out at Bill's house. Head to Hooters. Stick your head in a toilet and flush. Do whatever you need to do, dude. Just get out before the shit hits the fan.

Anyhoo. Just my two cents, Steve. Take it for what it's worth.

Your brother in arms,


Hello? AT&T? Anybody home?

Whoops. I guess the cat's out of the bag and AT&T has finally seen the writing on the wall. See here. These AT&T chumps actually believed that Apple was all about working with them and helping them out. They thought Steve was going to happily embrace their stone age technology and tango with them for life. Until yesterday, when they thought, uh oh. Maybe Apple's fucking us here with these digital song and ring tone downloads. That's our thing, right?

Um, no. Sorry, buttheads. That's Apple's thing, and guess what? It's just the tip of the iceberg. The real story is that you were just the stepping stone to VoIP. Steve's going to leapfrog you like the telecommunications industry leapfrogged AOL. People are soon going to be using their iPhones to make unlimited free phone calls to everyone everywhere, and you're going to be left holding the bag. And the even bigger story is that you're like the mentally-disabled neighbor that Steve wanted to experiment with. You're just the first of many. Next up are the music companies. Steve's going to cut out those middlemen and let bands deal directly with iTunes. That's the plan. It's taking a little longer than expected, but it's coming, bros. It's coming.