Showing posts with label Larry Haters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Larry Haters. Show all posts

October 10, 2007

ZDNet's Michael Krigsman calls me out

Dude left a comment on one of my posts earlier today. Not sure, but I think he wanted to gently remind me of "Oracle's little payroll problem over at Arizona State University." Only it wasn't our problem, Mike. It was ASU's. Seriously. Because here's the thing. Sure we sell people software and support, but we aren't going to walk customers through every single itty-bitty little step. If they go and drop all of their tables by accident, that's not our fault. It's called operator error, Mike. Read our EULA. It doesn't cover mistakes made by blonde bimbos working as ASU interns who have freak-out moments whenever they break one of their nails. So you aren't going to get us on this one, bro. Nuh uh. Not going to happen. Talk to the hand, girlfriend.

October 7, 2007

What sort of twisted fuck does something like this?


Much love to dear reader John who sent in this snapshot of my defaced Wikipedia page (above). Look, people. I know some of you dislike my products. Maybe your Oracle database isn't working correctly. Maybe you don't understand our tech support personnel in Hong Kong or Nairobi or wherever. But that's not my fault. Oracle makes the best databases in the world and all of our tech support personnel take a rigorous course in speaking English. And anyway, nothing gives you a license to call me a Jew right in the subtitle of my Wikipedia page. It's antisemitism. It's hatred. So knock it off, will you? If you want to pick on somebody you should log onto Facebook and virtually knee your friends in the nuts.

September 7, 2007

Wanted: Individual wearing gorilla suit


Have a bit of bad news this afternoon. Oracle Homeland Security couldn't find any trace of the dart-board Larry-hater. No fingerprints. No footage on the security cameras. No tips. No real leads. Nada. Nothing. Except for this cell phone video footage captured by Karl Rove last night outside my house. Apparently some freak wearing a gorilla suit was wandering around in my garden. Not quite sure what to make of the whole thing, personally.

Listen, gorilla man or woman. Please give me a call. We'd like to ask you a few questions, okay? That's it. I'll even throw in a few free bananas if you call tonight. Deal?

In case you're wondering, no, I didn't write this

This graduation speech I supposedly delivered at Yale a couple years ago has been floating around the Internet for a while now. Listen, people. It's a fake. A phony. And it was probably a cockeyed scheme to extort money out of yours truly. I mean, I know it sounds a little like something I would say to thousands of wide-eyed graduates. But come on. I'd never actually deliver a graduation speech like this. What I'd really talk about is how graduates can delay the inevitable onslaught of the grueling 9-5 workday by coming to Oracle. I'd tell them that working for Oracle is like prolonging the magic. With our strong fraternity culture and K.E.G. lunch program, we have everything recovering alcoholics need to succeed.

BTW, people seem to think I blow a gasket when I see stuff like this. I don't. Honestly, I laugh my ass off. Because to tell you the truth I would love to deliver a speech like this. Unfortunately, I can't have people running around pretending to be me. We're suing the dude who wrote this, and we're also pressing charges. Turns out his name is Mark Zuckerberg. He is, coincidently, also a college dropout.

September 6, 2007

This isn't funny


So I go to the Oracle gym this evening and find this hanging on the wall next to my personal Stairmaster. Yes, I'm still shaking. I mean, there are no words to describe something like this. It's just a random act of hate. Only it's not random. Somebody knew I was going to see this over my V8 and the Mercury News and then just lose it. They knew I would start crying and screaming and shit. Which is exactly what I did. The good news is that Oracle Homeland Security is taking fingerprints off the dart-board as I write this, so we should know who it was by tomorrow at the latest. To tell you the truth, I honestly don't know who would do something like this. Paris? Ballmer? Zuckerberg? Mickos? Schwartz? Some other turd? It doesn't matter now, anyway. We'll find whoever did this and... well, I don't know what we'll do to them. But we'll come up with something. Justice will be served, friends.