August 31, 2007

Acer and Gateway were just never meant to be together

I wasn't going to write anything about this irrelevant merger, but then I found this article, which speaks volumes about the technology media turds. "Don't be fooled by mainstream analyses suggesting that this is just a business deal," PC Magazine warns. Under normal circumstances, I'd say something like, gee, thanks for the amazing insider information there, Tim. But the weird thing is that Tim's kind of right about it not being just a business deal. Check it out. Acer's like the ugly old dude at the party who nobody wants to talk to, and Gateway's the burned-out slut who used to be sexy back in high school before every jock took a whack at her. And with a little beer and weed, boom. Acer's got itself a brown bag special. God cried in his beer when they mated.

Harsh words, but somebody's got to say them.

The real question is this: Will Acer stop filling its laptops with broken pinball machine parts? Yeah. I didn't think so.

Does anybody remember Power Computing?

Probably not. All the kids running around with Macs and iPods and iPhones these days are recent converts. But take it from an old fogey: Power Computing had some truly spectacular advertising. They staged one of the most brilliant advertising coups of all time. Really. Back in '97, nobody could resist a banner that screamed, "Let's kick Intel's Ass!" Sure, you'd get your ass kicked today if you were tooling around with this on the back of your car, but back then it was really something. Their ads made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like you were a part of something big and making history with other Mac users. And we were.

That's why I've directed Oracle's advertising agency to model our newest advertising campaign after this one. And no, we're not stealing the Power Computing advertisements. We'll probably just copy them and change them a little. Like, in the advertisement shown above, we'll take out the 225 MHz part, add a MiG, and say, "We're fighting back for the relational database!" Or something. Actually, I don't know what we'll do to it exactly, but we'll definitely improve upon it and make it our own. So prepare to feel all warm and fuzzy, punks. New Oracle ads are coming to a rag near you.

August 30, 2007

Mickos is hard at work again

Now the turd is trying to kidnap and brainwash our certified Oracle database administrators. See here. Apparently, several unfortunate souls have already been reprogramed by the evil open source empire. We know this, because like war-torn Vietnam vets, they've emerged from captivity proclaiming their love and affection and devotion to MySQL. But don't worry, friends. Help is on the way. Oracle never leaves a soldier or customer behind, so just sit tight and wait for us to find you. When we get there, we'll give you a hot cup of Starbucks fair-trade coffee and some gentle, soothing deprogramming treatment. Seriously, it's so good you won't even know you were brainwashed by the MySQL flakes in the first place.

We're also taking a proactive approach. We've emailed our Oracle DBA mailing lists and we're warning people against communicating with anybody from MySQL AB. For those who feel like they're being targeted or on the verge of being kidnapped, we've set up the Oracle Witness Protection Program (OWPP). Just call our tollfree hotline and we'll relocate you and your family and provide all of you with new identities.

I'd like to thank Duncan Davidson for the picture of Marten Mickos (above) that I probably shouldn't be using. Whoops.

Welcome, Karl. Now go kick some ass.

Yes, I hired Turd Blossom this morning. The man's amazing. I mean, talk about a brilliant mind. He was nothing like what I expected, either. Safra had me all wigged out there for a while. Anyway, I just sent out this memo.

From: Larry Ellison < >
To: All Oracle Employees
Subject: Welcome, Karl

Dear Oracle Employees,

As you may have heard, this morning Oracle interviewed Karl Rove, President Bush's former Deputy Chief of Staff. The interview was conducted by myself and Safra Catz. After talking at length with Mr. Rove and Mrs. Catz, I'm very pleased to announce that Mr. Rove has agreed to serve as Oracle Corporation's COF, or Chief Officer of FUD, starting September 4.

I understand that many of you have reservations about Mr. Rove's ethics, morals, and leadership abilities. Some individuals continue to insist on associating Mr. Rove with the Bush Administration, despite the fact that he left the White House on his own accord. However, after meeting Mr. Rove for the first time this morning, I can assure you that he is a man of utmost integrity, discipline, and honor -- indeed, a man who embodies the very essence of Oracle.

The decision to hire Mr. Rove is final, and is not open to discussion or interpretation. As we continue to blaze trails and tread into uncharted waters, I ask that you continue to trust the decisions made by Oracle executives. Now, more than ever, we need to continue innovating and creating more of the outstanding software Oracle is known for. With Mr. Rove's help, we can continue to raise the bar and, perhaps most importantly, win.


We might have to rename our 12g release

Remember how I said that San Francisco's Frank Chu is the greatest undiscovered technologist in the history of the world? And how in honor of his tremendous contributions to Oracle we named our new top-secret database 12g, after Frank's 12 galaxy concept? Well, it turns out that we might have to rename it 1000g, because Frank had a major breakthrough a couple days ago. Believe it or not, my main man has started talking about another 988 galaxies. Oracle's R&D people aren't quite sure what it all means yet, but they're working on it round the clock. One thing's for sure. We'll have to push back the new database release by at least a year or so. Don't worry, people -- the new features will be well worth the wait. Trust me on this one.

August 29, 2007

Steve's going to Burning Man

He calls me up this morning and is like, Larry, home slice. I need to ask a favor. Are you flying over Nevada anytime soon? Like maybe tonight? And I say, uhh, no Steve. I'm not, actually. And I'm thinking, oh shit. If Steve's dropping the slice-bomb he must really want something big. And then he's like, well, you know how I have that Apple thing on the 5th. I need to unwind before that, man. Get in some R&R at Burning Man. Maybe drop some acid and trip out on some shrooms. Maybe hook up with some hippie chicks to restore my reality distortion field and inner harmony. That and sip on some Miso soup while watching some big-ass man burn. It could be good, you know? Like, help me imbibe the vibe and prepare for my third coming. Then he gets real quiet. I can just see him sitting there with a hard-on, thinking about Apple taking over the world with its new iPods or whatever. And then I say, what's coming out on the 5th, Steve? And he's like, I can't tell you that, Larry. You know you've been black listed ever since you leaked that information about the G4 Cube. But drop me off at Burning Man? Please?

Turns out the turd doesn't want to drop $200 on a ticket. Instead he wants to parachute in. Make it look like he's some badass big wig who's above coming in through the gate. And you know I can't say no to Steve. So we're taking off tonight in the C-130. Hell, I might even land after I drop him, just to see what's going on down there. I heard Jonathan Schwartz was going. I'd love to take a picture of that dude while he's stoned and wandering butt-naked through the Nevada desert. Priceless.

I'm thinking about hiring Turd Blossom

I know what you're thinking, but just hear me out, okay? Sure, Karl Rove is one twisted fuck. But you've got to admit that the man is a master when it comes to creating mayhem. I mean, come on. T.B. practically wrote the book on FUD, smear campaigns, and completely destroying everything that stands in your path. That's how the dude works. He's like a frigging sidewinder missile. You just aim him, say the word, and he goes and takes care of the rest.

Anyway. So the guy calls me last night and says, Larry, I'm ready to jump into the private sector. I've been controlling the most powerful nation in the world for the past seven years, and now I want to help you fight Microsoft and MySQL and SAP. And I'm like, yeah? Yeah? Tell me more. And so he goes into this whole spiel about how the best defense is a good offense, and what Oracle really needs to do is start going after the competition. Like, reposition the losers and then pick one of our weakest competitors and endorse them. Maybe SAP, he says. Make people believe that they're the only other option out there and then napalm the SAP fucks. Point out how they're stealing Oracle's support patches. Show people how their shitty software doesn't scale. Then go in for the kill.

And I'm like Karl, buddy. Come in for an interview on Thursday at 6 AM sharp.

UPDATE: Just talked to Safra about the whole thing. She doesn't trust the guy. I sort of tuned her out after a while, but I think she was going on and on about Hillary. Hillary this, Hillary that, and hadn't I heard about the vast right wing conspiracy and how Karl Rove was a big part of that? Whatever. All I know is that Karl was so right about SAP. Their software really doesn't scale well.

August 28, 2007

You think this is funny?

Because I sure don't. Everybody knows Steve is going to live forever. Why even joke about something like this? It's not even remotely funny. You know what would be hilarious, though. To find the dude who made this and have Steve tell him personally that he's been banned from Apple for life. Like, guess what, dumbass? Your iCard's been pulled. No more iPods or Macs for you. Nada. Zip. Go sit in the corner and use a Zune and Google gPhone for the rest of your pathetic existence. And then watch as the dude starts screaming and crying and shit. Yeah. That would be priceless.

Maybe we can actually do it. I'll have my IT security guys get on it this afternoon. If anybody can find the turd who made this, it's them.

No, I will not change my blog's background color

And shame on the dude who keeps asking me. Black is my power color, okay? Listen, if you're so upset about it, maybe you should go write a dissertation about why people shouldn't use black as a blog background color. Or maybe you should hit a punk show and beat the shit out of some random kid in the mosh pit. Or maybe you should surf Facebook for while and virtually headbutt all of your friends. I don't know. Do whatever you need to do, dude. Just stop emailing me, okay? And if you really think it's that hard to read white text on black, you should have tried programming with punch cards back in the day. You would have made it like, all of ten minutes, you little turd.

Kmasba yoyo

No, it's not Japanese. It stands for kiss my ass, baby - you're on your own. It's the text message I sent to Zach Nelson's BlackBerry after reading this interview. Look, I'm going to be honest here. NetSuite was fun for a while. I had some good times with it. The company was kind of like the sandcastle your kids build when they go to the beach. Or the lego spaceship your son puts together on Christmas day. But as fun as it is to create these things, it's even more fun to destroy them. Ask any kid who pretends to be Godzilla. That's me, Zack. Right now I'm Godzilla and you're the little GI Joe in the sandcastle that's about to get crushed. Because the truth is, I don't need you or NetSuite anymore, bro. Oracle's got something that's bigger, better and faster. So go ahead. Take all the potshots you want. Say I'm a bad investor. Say that I compete with you. Just don't blame me when your little IPO goes belly up, okay?

August 27, 2007

Weirdo Warren still has game

See here. Now all the eHarmony people are using Oracle to hook up. We gave old man Neil Clark Warren all kinds of discounts, like the senior citizen discount and the mentally disabled entrepreneur discount. We feel kind of bad for the guy. I mean, eHarmony was a pretty good idea. It really was. But then some crack-head developers went and frigged the whole thing up. Now you have to fill out like 300 forms just to register. Anyway, to show his appreciation for the discounts we gave him, Neil rigged eHarmony so that I would show up as a match for every woman in Silicon Valley. I've already gotten like 300 responses. And you know what that means, bros. Time to fire up the boat, load up the honeys, and set sail for Tijuana.

This is what happens when you're a butthead

First you go to college. You get drunk at freshmen toast, sleep with a couple hot co-eds, pledge the fraternity with the highest women to geek ratio, watch meteor showers while stoned on the roof of the SUB, and laugh at jock jokes so hard that beer comes out of your nose. Then you take a couple computer science classes and think, gee, I should create a music application and make some money. So you do that. But you get kinda bored, because what you really want to do is meet women and find out who's banging who in the dorms. Then you think, gee, I should create a website that lets people create profiles and link to other people and then I could make some serious payola. So you do that. And then, before you know it, you're in the New York Times and you're rubbing elbows with big wig venture capitalists. You drop out and start up. You have a fast car, strong entrepreneurial spirit, and a girl on each arm. Nobody can stop you now.

Except yourself.

Look, Zucker. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you bet wrong. You fucked up. You refused to sell your cheap Friendster-imitation website for $1 billion, and now you're flushing your brand name down the toilet with all of these stupid developer applications. And no, you don't have a networking utility. What you have is a PHP/MySQL site that my cats could code blindfolded.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but here goes. I'm willing to buy Facebook, Zucker. And I'm thinking $20 million is a fair price. Honestly, that's probably too much since you don't even run Oracle databases. But give me a call, bro. We'll talk.

Gurus gone wild

So I want to give our shareholders a little update on Kegs for Engineers and Gurus (K.E.G.). We're two or three weeks into this thing, and I think it's safe to say that it's been a smashing success. Employees have indicated on surveys that it's boosted their morale and confidence levels by at least 90%, and HR just told me this morning that no employees have resigned since we implemented the program. But it's also done much more than that. Revenue is through the roof, productivity is sky-high, women are making out in the halls, men are having an easier time meeting women, and we're succeeding at creating a true sense of community. We're one big happy family now. And this week we're going to start a wet blouse contest and give out special Oracle shot glasses that say: "Oracle: Feel the sting."

There have been some minor incidents. One of our sysadmins got crunk last week and unplugged a couple production servers. And apparently employees have been telling their friends about us, because now a lot of sorority girls are applying for jobs. They send us resumes written in crayon and come in here in pink tank-tops and flip-flops and they text their friends through the entire interview.

But honestly, the best part is watching Safra ride the mechanical bull. We just can't keep her off the thing.

August 26, 2007

Our open source strategy

People love to say that Oracle is the big bad wolf of software development. They go on and on about how we blow everybody's house down and then sell software that's completely locked. In fact, burned-out open source hippies like John "Maddog" Hall even say we're like a used car dealership that sells vehicles with the hoods welded shut, and then we go and charge exorbitant fees for things like oil changes and tunes ups and taking sawdust out of the engine.

Yeah, right. Listen, if you actually believe that crock of shit, I have some land in Florida I'd like to sell you. Because nothing could be further from the truth. Oracle loves open source. Seriously. It all has to do with something I call subsidized software development. Goes like this. You find some sixth and seventh graders who know Python and C and you get them really pumped up about open source software development. You know. Feed them a line about how open source is all about the future and punk music and skateboarding and nerds and really, really, really hot women who go gaga for geeks. Then you send them on over to SourceForge and have them pick a project to work on. Preferably something we can actually use, like Tomcat. Then you unleash the little turd droppers. Send 'em a couple free O'Reilly books and a case of Mountain Dew and a short pamphlet that talks about the importance of dropping out of school.

Boom. There's your makeshift R&D team.

Then, you take all of the source code and send it to your lawyers. You tell them to sort out the licensing mess and turn it into something you can actually use. Then you pop it up on your website as a free download and tell people it's unsupported and crippled, etc. until they purchase the service package. And the service package is $500,000 per year per socket. Or whatever. Jack the price up as much as you want.

Novell and Red Hat and MySQL think we won't do it. To which Larry says, think again, buttheads. You stole our pricing model. Now we're taking your support and distribution model and perfecting it. Just wait and see.

August 25, 2007

Horn if you're honky

Was driving home from lunch at Buck's today and saw these Mexican Americans towing part of a Fucked Over Rebuilt Dodge with a cow. In Woodside. Like two blocks away from my house. Unbelievable. I took a picture of them (above) with my iPhone and then called my towing company and asked them to give these guys a lift. I said it looked like they really needed help, so would they please come quickly and tow half of a car and a cow? Yes, cow. And I told them not to worry about making the Mexican Americans pay -- just bill Larry Ellison.

And in case you're wondering, no, I'm not racist. In fact, Oracle's technical support department employs many Mexican Americans. And let me tell you, these people get very competitive compensation packages. They aren't paid minimum wage or anything like that. We pay them with top-of-the-line Oracle 10g clearance box sets. I'm not sure how many boxes they get per year or whatever. It's complicated. But it's also totally fair, in my opinion.

August 24, 2007

Jonathan Schwartz in analogies

His face is a perfect oval, like a circle that's had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. His thoughts tumble in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. He speaks with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. He has a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. He grows on Sun like he is a colony of E. Coli, and Sun is room-temperature Canadian beef. He's about to fall 12 stories and hit the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. His mind is like a steel trap, only one that has been left out so long it has rusted shut. He's as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that is actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

And he's about as stupid as the high school students who wrote these dumb analogies. I like our public education system almost as much as I like Sun Microsystems. Schwartz, what the fuck are you thinking? Oh, wait. That's right. You're not. You're like a turd that was accidently dropped into a cup of steaming JAVA. Or something.

August 23, 2007

And they say acquisitions don't work

Look, I don't want to call anybody out here. But for all the douche bags and media turds and naysayers out there, I'd just like to point out that our little Hyperion experiment is moving right along. See here. I mean, just look at the market share we've gained. If that doesn't blow your blinders off, I don't know what will. Acquisitions work, people. Consolidation in the software industry is a good thing. Because, really. What sense does it make to have two perfectly good teams of engineers working on exactly the same thing?

Red Hat, you might be next. I'm in the market for a shitty operating system and I've always secretly liked you. Plus, you have JBoss. 'Nuff said.

Is this good for the company?

So I walk into the office this morning and Safra says, where the hell have you been? Because IBM's been waiting in the board room for four hours and they're madder than hornets trapped under Bill's toupée. And I'm like, Safra, baby. Whoa. Slow down and start from the beginning. And so then she tells me how IBM apparently scheduled a meeting with me months ago to see our new top secret 12g release and talk to Frank Chu about some of the new mind-blowing components. She says they're here now and they've brought their golf clubs and golf carts and mainframes and hummer limos.

I tell her no way. The meeting's not going to happen. Call it off, do whatever she needs to do, but I'm not going to talk to those flakes. Why the hell would I give those punks our trade secrets? And she says, Larry, you told them it was all set last week. You can't just cancel now. And I'm like, uhh, yes I can. I'm Larry f'ing Ellison. I own this company, and I do what I want.

But then she got that sad puppy dog face and I knew she was right. So I pulled the fire alarm. It was the only logical thing to do. And here's the best part. Since I wrote all of the fire alarm evacuation procedures myself, nobody goes back into the buildings until Safra gets every single employee to sign her clipboard. Insane, right? She's so cute. She puts on this little orange vest and screams employee names through a bullhorn until they come up and sign. The entire process could take days.

Oh, I almost forgot. I paid the fire department to tow away the IBM hummer limos and golf carts. You should have seen the IBMers. One of the security guys was crying his eyes out. I almost felt sorry for them. Almost.

This one's a double scooper

I actually regret ever telling anybody that I love cats and take in strays, because now I get all these felines dumped in front of my house. I guess I can understand it. I mean, if Joe Sixpack gave his girlfriend a cat and she absolutely fucking hated it, what's he going to do? He's going to bring it to Larry, the guy Channel Six called "the cat woman on steroids." And Larry's going to take it in. Anyway. Yesterday I found this one sitting outside my front door. It's a pretty nice fat cat, but sometimes when I walk in the house, I see it walking around in circles. And I swear to God its eyes are crossed. So I'm thinking it might have down syndrome or something. And it digs holes in the backyard and eats hamburgers and fries and is always taking dumps. Yeah. Like, the bad kind that stink up the whole house for hours. It takes like twenty of those a day. So I named him Ballmer. There's just... something about him that reminds me of Stevie B.

August 22, 2007

MySQL collection cart coming to a cubical near you

The first thing we tell new hires is that they shouldn't install or use MySQL under any circumstances. But accidents happen. And we understand that. Sometimes people are duped into doing stupid things like installing malicious and useless applications that are harmful to themselves and others. That's why this dude is biking around the Oracle offices right now and collecting machines that have been infected with MySQL. We're granting employees amnesty today and today only. Give us your computers, people. We'll purge the evil and put you back on the straight and narrow. Because after today, Safra gets to deal with you. And believe me, you really don't want to see her when she's got a whip in her hands.

Meet the new daily driver

I know what you're thinking. But just hear me out, okay? I'm tired of living life in the fast lane. I mean, the NSX is a great car, and I'm not selling it. But I think it's time to slow down a little. I want to be able to drive a car at say, 50 MPH and not feel stupid doing it. That's why I just bought this Karmann Ghia. Completely new, never driven, and almost stock. And talk about a chic magnet. There's already a bunch of hot interns in sales who want to go for a ride.

I'm calling it a "Negligent Discharge"

Just got back from escorting Steve up to Microsoft headquarters in the MiG. The whole thing came off without a hitch. Personally, I think that stuff he fed me about Gates handing out anti-aircraft guns was a crock. He just wanted to look important with a MiG flying next to his Gulfstream. Anyway. So after that, I buzzed Bill's house. I just had to after flying all the way up there, you know? I did it flying really, really low at full-throttle, with the afterburners on. It felt so great. Like this giant load had just been lifted off of my chest and I could breath deeper for the first time in years. But then the Air Force scrambled F-16s and I got a little scared. It all happened so fast. I fired a couple Sidewinders. One of the Air Force Falcons was hit. The pilot ejected. He was cool about it, though. I was actually talking to the dude the whole time -- he was laughing his ass off after he ejected. Not sure if that was just all of the oxygen pumped into his mask or what, but he really was a good sport.

Anyway, the Oracle PR people are already on it. You probably won't even hear about a downed F-16, but if you do it's because they've managed to spin the story enough so that it sounds like I was single-handedly defending the Air Force against terrorists. I was gittin' 'er done, as they say in Texas.

August 21, 2007

But MySQL is a four letter word

So, a bunch of people are writing in and complaining about how I use MySQL like it's a four letter word or something. Apparently they think the open source database is really great and cool and awesome because companies like YouTube, Flickr, Yahoo, and Facebook use it. And it must be great if Facebook uses it, right? Because Facebook is, like, so cutting edge here in the Valley. They have that new "developer platform" that allows people to create "applications" that let you virtually bitch-slap people and somehow enable your dog to log into your account and update it. Or something. And they don't think I should have called Marten Mickos a butthead.

Okay. You people are right about me calling Marten a butthead. I made a mistake, and I apologize for that. In fact, I should have used a much stronger derogatory term, but I didn't, because children under the age of 13 read my blog and I want to be the bigger man. Marten loves to rag on me in interviews like this. Well, guess what, Mickos? I'm not stooping to your level.

And for those of you who think that MySQL is a great database, I have only the cold knife of pity. Using MySQL is like trying to do Calculus with a third-grade math book. When you're doing real work, you need real software -- software like Oracle. Of course, we don't give it to just anybody. That would be like giving a Calculus textbook to a third-grade student. Grow up, and then come to us. Everybody does in the end, even the MySQL puritans.

So Steve calls...

Says he has to fly up to Redmond tomorrow to meet with Ballmer, and would I please provide a MiG escort? Because his Microsoft source says that last week Gates put a bounty on his head and passed out free anti-aircraft guns to all Microsoft employees. And now his mugshot and Gulfstream are on "Wanted: Dead or Alive" posters all around the Microsoft campus. People are even donning cammos and helmets in preparation for the big day tomorrow. So, please?

And I'm like, how many iPhones is this worth to you? He says, come on Larry, just do it, you frigtard. I tell him I want two truckloads of the 8GBs, and none of that refurbished shit. Oh, and I want that hot intern in Apple's marketing department to ride with me and moonlight as my administrative joint roller. Then he starts dropping the f-bomb, and I'm just like, do you know how much it costs to fly the MiG?

So, we have a deal. Time to load up the Sidewinder missiles and do a couple practice runs in the MiG simulator. It's bombs away tomorrow. Can't wait.

A match made in heaven

Or maybe hell. See here. Microsoft and Cisco are working together now, and Ballmer promises that there won't be any corporate jujitsu. Like he even knows jujitsu, right? Anyway, Chambers says he trusts the flake with all of Cisco's proprietary information and that they're going to work together, etc., etc. Where have we heard this before? (Hint: He makes a computer called a Mac. Maybe you've used one before.) Not quite sure who's going to fuck who here. In all likelihood, they'll probably just fuck each other. Or better yet, maybe they'll pull MySQL into bed for the ultimate threesome. I love watching a good clusterfuck. Then maybe I could start calling them the Axis of Evil.

Confession: I'm a punk fiend

And it's kinda weird, because I really wasn't into music before the iPod. I mean, sure. I listened to a little Michael Jackson back before he was white. And maybe a little Queen, AC/DC, ABBA, and even Kiss. But there weren't any good music players back then, and honestly, Walkmans were never my style. And don't forget that I was busy building the largest enterprise software company in the world. I didn't have a lot of time to listen to music.

But times have changed. Now I've got the 80GB iPod loaded with every punk band out there. You name it, I've got it. And I'm such a sucker for punk shows. Last night I saw Against Me! which was awesome. There was a sick mosh pit, too. I was in there, fucking shit up. In fact, I even ripped this one dude's earring out after he called me an lazy old apathetic pile of meat-eatting corporate shit. His friend with the big red mohawk watched the whole thing go down, and afterward just kept staring at me and saying, "Respect." After all that, I think it's time to get the mohawk. I'd look good in a mohawk, right? That's what I keep telling Melanie, anyway. She's just not buying it.

August 20, 2007

11g rollout going pretty well

Well, I'll be honest with you. I thought we'd sell hundreds of millions of copies of the new 11g release in the first week. Turns out we've only sold a couple million. Oh, well. That's how the cookie crumbles. The good news is that we're making customers pay for 11g in gold. Safra wanted it that way so we could guard against inflation or something. See picture of the Oracle vault to the right. I actually store the rest of the gold at my house in 100 vaults like this. The Oracle people trust me. They know my house is more secure than the office. But just wait until we release 12g, people. We're going to make this look like pocket change.

I'm lovin' it

We Americans love our politics. I guess now we're teaching kids who aren't even potty trained how to vote. The little turd droppers know how to push ballot buttons before they know how to flush a toilet. It's crazy. And the saddest part is that it doesn't even matter. Because first of all, Diebold uses MySQL to manage the ballots, so of course votes are going to get lost and destroyed and flushed down the toilet that is MySQL. Little known secret here: Marten Mickos is a fascist. So there's that. And the other part of the story is that there's another, newer constitution that most people don't even know about. The new constitution says that only the twenty richest people in the world get to vote for the United States President. We just keep the old constitution around so that people don't wig out and go postal on us rich dudes.

So, anyway. This little thing I call the freak show is off to an early start this season. Bill Gates and Carlos Slim found a lot of good talking heads this time around. In fact, they even found a woman and somebody who claims to be a real live African American. Bill keeps them on a pretty short leash, but sometimes their programming goes all haywire and they start ranting and raving and talking about bumper cars. See here. Personally, I think having talking heads is crazy. If it were up to me, I'd just install a mannequin or blow-up doll or something. At least then we'd have the real thing in office.

But it is fun to watch them on TV and pretend that they're actual people who are really concerned about global warming and starving kids or whatever. They really go at it sometimes. Safra wants me to vote for Hillary, but she really freaks me out. Every time I look at her I think she looks like Gil Amelio. But we'll see.

August 19, 2007

Step into my office, Mickos

I always knew the database for kiddies/retards/freaks/gang-bangers called MySQL was eventually going to self-destruct and completely ruin itself. And now, thanks to the hard work of Marten Mickos, it's halfway there. See here. This little turd of a CEO has been making a real name for himself recently. Now he actually thinks he can sell his crappy open source database. Yeah. As if he could have his stupid GPL cake and eat it too. Listen, butthead. Nobody used your database when it was free. What in Eurohell makes you think you're going to be able to sell an enterprise version of it?

You better check your head, freak. Because your card is about to be pulled. In other words, you're about to crash and burn like a MySQL database running like, say, 5000 simultaneous queries.

August 17, 2007

Why the iPhone won

Okay, so there are loads of articles these days that claim to know why the iPhone is doing so well. Like this one. You can always tell an article's going to be a real doozy when the author pours her heart and soul into the prose. I started to fall asleep about here: "Since I began blogging about youth marketing in 2004, I have read a lot of studies that list teens' favorite brands. Apple is inevitably at the top of every brand list." Yawn. I just told my secretary to call Business Week and find out where this person went to college so I can make sure my kids never go there.

Anyway. I figured I'd write a little something of my own about the best cellphone in the world. You know, like Larry does iPhone. Or something.

Okay, so first. It's the brand name, stupid. Say that over and over until you're convinced you understand it. Because really, the device is like nine parts name and one part phone. Why else would people line up to buy a phone they had never seen before? Why else would Steve go to such bold and brash lengths to steal the name from Cisco? And how else could Apple have repositioned the entire cellular phone market? "iPhone." It just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? I mean, who in their right mind would buy a RAZR or Nokia 6035zv590 when they could buy the iPhone? Nobody would. This simple, easy-to-say name has brought coherence and stability to a sea of terrible sounding cell phone names. There's the iPhone, and then there's everything else. And everybody knows that everything else sucks. The phones must suck, or they wouldn't have shitty sounding names.

Next, you need to understand something that's both very simple and complicated at the same time. Perception is reality. That's it. What people believe, is real for them. Listen, do you really think Steve had a working iPhone at Macworld Expo? He didn't. I was there -- I saw the vaporphone. It didn't work then, and it didn't work until the middle of June. I know because that's when I got mine. What Steve was selling at Macworld was the idea of a phone. The actual phone didn't matter at all -- it was what people thought and believed about the phone that mattered. And most of the time, ideas are more powerful than the actual products. People can take ideas and shape them and build them in their heads. That's why Steve only released the idea of the phone and not the actual phone itself. In fact, it would have been a disaster to release the phone at Macworld. People never would have bought it then.

The actual device didn't matter much at all. I mean, don't get me wrong here -- it's a great phone and I love it. But the main thing is the brand name and the customer's perception that he's getting a ground-breaking phone. In fact, customers would have understood if their iPhones didn't work exactly the way they should have at first. Because it's a first generation product, users expect glitches and bugs. That was the allure of having one of the first iPhones -- most customers want to help debug the device and be a part of the street iPhone QC team. These people are actually doing Apple's job for them, for free. And they're paying bucko bucks to do it.

There's nothing new about any of this, of course. I've done it at Oracle for about 30 years now. We sold vaporware databases to hundreds of customers, and they loved every table and every entry. You know why? Because Oracle is a great brand name and they bought the idea of a database, not the actual database itself. Apple just took that concept and applied it to hardware, which was brilliant. And sure, the device is pretty good. It's not as ground-breaking as people make it out to be, but it's functional and grandmothers can use it.

So there you go, people. You've heard it from the horse's mouth. And if you read this stuff in Business Week in a month or so, just remember where you heard it first, okay?

Happy birthday to me

This is it, people. The big 63 is finally here. Old Larry is getting up there, but see if anybody can tell the difference. Melanie says I don't look a day over 35, and the good people at Oracle swear I'm somewhere around 27. And my sex life is positively red-hot. In fact, if anything, I've gotten better with age. I know I keep getting older, but the college freshman are still the same, and you better believe me when I tell you that cute co-eds still email me. Larry can still bring home the bacon, okay?

And I have two words for all of the people who said I would fail and do a faceplant in a big old pile of MySQL. Fuck you. I did it, and I did it all by myself. All of your stupid classes and books didn't mean anything. Your churches and your insults didn't stop me. And your silly little lawsuits didn't even phase me. I learned everything I needed to know on my own, without any help from anybody.

But, for some reason, I still feel the need to prove myself. I'm not quite there yet, you know? I'm not the richest man in the world, and I haven't beat Microsoft. I can't stop until I win, and I won't. Listen, the first 63 years were only the beginning, okay? I'm just getting started here, and I still have plenty of time to obliterate everybody.

So here's to me and my next 63 years. May they be full of happiness, women, and lots and lots of money. Happy birthday, Larry.

August 16, 2007

So long, Paris. Sorry it didn't work out.

Okay, so I know Paris has only worked for me about a week or so. But the girl just had to go. For one thing, she was real flakey this week. As soon as we landed in Jerusalem, she bought a bunch of potato chips and started watching Jackie Chan movies. Then she didn't want to go out and party with Yarden and Nivit and Natalie and me. She said she wasn't going out on the town with a Pendy, whatever that is. And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, she wouldn't roll me joints. When I made a stink about it, she rolled me a nice big one and we made up and were better. For a while. Until we were in the MiG, flying home, and she tried to take Minor Threat out of the MiG's CD player. She said she wanted to listen to Justin Timberlake.

That was the last straw. I had to show her to the door. You know. Like, eject her.

My PR people are spinning the story as I write this. I'm not quite sure what they're saying, but you can probably guess, right? "Paris Hilton, the blonde bimbo millionaire socialite skank, was wigging out after forgetting to take her medication for unknown mental illnesses. In a terrible and horrific accident, she pulled the eject lever and parachuted safely into Yugoslavia. Larry Ellison said he deeply regretted the incident." It would all be true, except the part about me regretting the incident. Thank god I won't always have Paris, eh? Anyway, I'm back safe and sound in San Jose now.

You might work for Google if...

People tell you that you're doing really, really important work, but it seems completely useless and impractical. You'd rather ride a Segway around town than walk or drive. You use Macs, but they're all running FreeBSD instead of Mac OS X. You use Gimp instead of Photoshop. You'd rather program in Python all night than go to a movie with two or three beautiful women. MySQL is your God, not Oracle. You forget to wipe after you use the bathroom because you're too busy reading the stupid Google tip on the back of the stall door. You have a tattoo of Sergey Brin's head on your left buttcheek. You're constantly asking beautiful people if they want to "Google" with you. When people ask you how you're doing, you say "I'm feeling lucky." You really, truly, completely believe that you are one of the chosen ones and that nobody can stop you. You watched that Obama Girl video like 1,000 times but you still think Hillary Clinton is hot. You swim 20 miles everyday in one of those stationary swimming pools where you never actually move. You pull guns on people in Hummers who tailgate your Prius. You think everything I'm saying right now is stupid and immature, but you're laughing your fucking ass off because deep down you know it's true.

You really are sick and sad inside, you little gTurds.

August 15, 2007

I miss my cats

What a great trip to Israel this has been. First I give away a shitload of money to defend some daycare center or something, and then I deliver a bunch of great speeches. I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but nobody except me could make this kind of stuff up. Like this speech where I say that MySQL sucks ass. And then, to top it all off, I get hooked up with Yarden and Nivit and Natalie. I'm spent, people. Completely cashed. Or is it cached?

Anyway, I think it's about time to leave. I really miss my cats back home. Lots of people think I'm like some big time tech oracle who's out saving the world and bringing loads of light and joy to people's lives. And I am. But I'm also this really big sentimental softie at heart who loves cats. I even take in strays and build houses for them in my yard. I have quite a few, and they really miss me while I'm away as this security video (above) clearly shows. I mean, just look at all my kids. They're practically attacking Maria the maid because they miss me so much. Hold tight, little guys. Larry's about to turn on the afterburners.

August 14, 2007

A reader asks...

"Are you really Jewish? I know you're in Israel right now, and I know you were born to a Jew, but do you believe in God and go to church?"

No, I don't believe in God. That's just silly. You might as well believe in a giant pink fairy living on the dark side of the moon. Actually, I don't have faith in much of anything except myself and Oracle Corporation. And I only practice Judaism when it's expedient. I.e., when I meet a really hot Jewish girl or need to talk to the reporters at the New York Times or need to pray for better-than-average quarterly results or shipping an Oracle product on time. Oh, no. Wait. I don't pray for shipping an Oracle product on time. That's the customer's job.

Anyway, I think the underlying message here is to believe in yourselves and Oracle and our upcoming 12g release. Forget the stupid dogmas, people. Or, if you insist on believing in supernatural beings, know that God created Oracle on the eighth day. We're paying to have that written into the Holy texts. Because if it appears in the Bible, it must be correct, right?

August 13, 2007

If Sun was a ship, it would look a little like this

The best part is that the captains won't even acknowledge the problem. According to them, it's normal for the ship to take on water and lose cargo and start sinking. Full speed ahead, right Schwartz? I mean, you've only made about 3,000 people walk the plank so far, and your CFO Michael Lehman will only say that "we have to continue lowering our cost structure." See here. Listen, Schwartz. Could Michael say "Shit" even if his mouth was full of it? Because if he can't, and he won't, and he wouldn't even consider saying the word, maybe it's time to make him walk the plank. I dunno. Just seems like you'd want to get rid of the people ripping holes in the hull.

Oh, and another thing. While you've been busy trying to bail out the boat, the open source pirates have made off with all your stuff. Open Office, Solaris, everything Java, etc. It's all gone, bro. You gave away the crown jewels. Which actually raises the question: Is it even worth saving the boat at all? I mean, if there's nothing onboard except a bunch of crappy servers with RISC processors, maybe you should just abandon ship. Or did this dude just take the last lifeboat?

Meet my Israeli welcoming committee

I'm sure by now you've read all about how I graciously donated a wheel barrel full of money to a little community center, and told people here that they need to innovate and go global. But the most exciting parts of my trip haven't even been documented yet. Like my beautiful Israeli welcoming committee. These young ladies (above) are the IDF's rapid response team for lonely little VIPs like me who visit their lovely nation. Let me tell you, Yarden and Nivit and Natalie really know how to party, and they've opened my eyes to a lot of great clubs and hangouts around the nation. Plus, they really know how to handle guns. 'Nuff said.

Ballbuster, Oracle shareholders salute you

You can call Safra Catz our President, Chief Financial Officer, and Head Ballbuster. The Head Ballbuster part is just fancy-pants Oracle speak for, "You're gonna do what she says or you're gonna get kneed really hard in the balls and shipped off to Microsoft with a damaged goods label." Yeah. Don't mess with this woman, people. She will knee you a new one. And sure, some people think she's a lesbian, and to be honest with you, I sometimes think she is, too. But she's not. She has a husband and the statistical 2.45 kids and two dogs and a cat and twelve cars and six houses and a whole shitload of little fish floating around in her 500 gallon fish tank. So what if her kids are adopted and her husband's a mail-order groom? That doesn't mean anything.

So check out her stats, dudes. Top of her class at Harvard Law. Effectively slimmed dozens of Oracle call centers down into just five. Consolidated over 70 employee databases into just one. And profitability up a whopping 20% since she arrived here at Oracle. Oh, yeah. That's the power of Safra, baby. She runs a tight ship, and I'm damn proud of her. I'm totally in love with her in a totally non-romantic way.

August 10, 2007

Paris Hilton, worst MiG passenger ever

So I tell her before we get in the cockpit that she needs to wear one of the little diapers I gave her. You know, because we're flying non-stop and refueling in the air. But does she listen to me? No, she does not. She says she can hold it. Right. Like hey, I'm Paris Hilton the millionaire princess skank who can hold it in for like 18 hours. Then she blames me when she tinkles in her seat. I'm like, say whatever you want Paris, but you're paying to have that cleaned up. And then she rolls me a joint with really shitty weed that's laced with something. I could feel myself wigging out a little, and honestly, I knew something was really wrong when I tried to land on that aircraft carrier. But that worked out alright. And I'll spare you the details of her puking while I was flying upside down over Jerusalem. Hey, we're here, right? We made it. "Shabot Shalom," as they say in Hebrew. Means happy Saturday.

August 9, 2007

Oh man, I forgot all about this

So I was messing around on the Internet this afternoon and came across this. Turns out I'm supposed to be in Israel right now. And I was supposed to be there yesterday for some big-ass conference or something. Whoops. I just told Paris to pack her dime bags and get ready, because we're going to have to burn a little midnight oil to get there ASAP. As in, MiG afterburners the whole way there. We won't sweat the conference too much. The Israelis strike me as a very patient people, so I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. And yes, in case you're wondering, Oracle does have offices in Israel and 144 other countries. We're taking over the world, folks, slowly but surely. Anyway, I'll blog when I can. Just packed my MacBook Pro, iPhone, and kippah. More later.

So what if I tossed a couple water balloons overboard?

What do you do if you happen to be floating by Larry Ellison's yacht and you see the crew tossing water balloons at other ships? Well, if you're this loser, you go on the Internet and write all about it. See here. My favorite quote: "The crew was very nasty, throwing water balloons at passing little boats just having a look." Yeah, right. My only regret is that this butthead didn't come close enough to get hit. Look, we were just messing around, okay? And for the record, people were throwing things at us, too. This one dude even rammed my ship with his little rubber raft. Not cool. The bottom line is this: if you can't run with the big boats, don't get off the dry dock.

No, I'm the CEO, bitch

I love these kids who drive out here from Boston or Nashville or wherever and think they're hot shit. They have a couple girlfriends and daddy's BMW and big ideas about changing the world. And the best part is that they all think they're original. Like thousands of other guys before them didn't do exactly the same thing exactly the same way, right? Yeah. Cracks me up.

So anyway, this guy comes in to see me yesterday afternoon. I see him walking down the hall with two girls on each arm. He's not wearing any shirt or shoes, and his shorts are ripped all to shreds. Oh, and he's carrying a surfboard, too. And his hair is all curly and greasy and sticking up like the guy's in Napoleon Dynamite. So I'm about to call Oracle Homeland Security, because the guy looks like a real flake and a freak and I'm not sure who let him in or why he's walking towards my office.

And then he says, hey Larry. How's it going? I'm Mark. Remember me? And I'm like, Mark? Mark who? And he says, Mark Zuckerberg. You know. The Facebook guy. Then he drops one of his trademark "I'm CEO...Bitch" business cards on my desk, and I swear to god all of the girls with him gasp like they've just seen Matt Damon or something. And I just sit there, because I'm not really sure what else to do. And then he says, look, I'd like some free complementary Oracle databases to store pictures of all the drunk girls in bikinis and guys hitting bongs and all the other beautiful people who have decided to use Facebook. It's a really great business opportunity for you and Oracle, Larry. Like, you know, Facebook will be using your databases. And then all the girls gasp again.

And I'm just sitting there trying not to laugh, right? I finally say, gee, Mark. That's a really nice offer, but I think we're going to have to pass this time. And if you ever come into my office and spout shit like this again, I'm going to have to cut your funding. And then he rolls his eyes and says, you don't fund me Larry. And I'm like, uhhh, that's what you think, kid. Who do you think owns the venture capitalists who own you? I do, you little turd. And then he just laughs and walks out.

You better be careful, Zucker. Because you're going to lose your street cred if you keep talking like that. God, some people have a lot of nerve. I would can that kid right now if I didn't look at girls on Facebook like twenty times a day.

August 8, 2007

Completely off topic

And definitely not something I can relate to. The ladies know Larry's a love god. But it's still pretty funny. Thanks to the reader who sent this in. And happy hump day, eh?

Yeah, I know I should have bought Apple

Recently I've been having this reoccurring nightmare where a blimp or an orb or something lands on my house and thousands of little Gil Amelios file out and start chanting, "Ha, ha. Ha, ha. Ha, ha," over and over and over and over again, and they jump on my back and pull my hair and untie my shoe laces and give me a wedgie. And then they somehow install Windows 95 in my brain and laugh their asses off when I crash with the blue screen of death.

Look, I don't need a shrink to tell me what it means, okay? I'm not a complete bonehead. I know I should have bought Apple when I could have. I made a mistake. But I didn't think of the iPod. I was just thinking of making Macs into network computers. It was a good idea, just a little before its time. There, I said it. Are you happy now?

OMG Paris drunk dialed me last night

She calls me at 2:28 AM and she's so fucking wasted. She's like, hello? Hello? Larry? And I know it's her right away. I'd recognize that high-pitched whiny valley-girl voice anywhere. And I say, yeah Paris? And she says, do I have the job? And I'm like, well, you did pretty well in the MiG simulator according to the guy in HR, and everybody gave the thumbs up, so I guess it's a go. And she's like, YAAAAAAAAAAAAY LARRY!!! And then she starts laughing or crying, or both. And then I'm thinking, wait a sec. I could have some fun with this. So I say, Paris, you're going to stick to me like white on rice, right? And she's like, uhhhh huh. And then I say, and you'll roll me joints anywhere, right? Even in your parents house or the men's room or the Oval Office? And she's like, uhhhh huh. And then I say, is there anything you won't do? And she's like, uhhhh huh. And then I say, okay, like what? And she's like, uhhhh huh. That's when I hung up.

August 7, 2007

Adobe CS3 Fails Street Test

You probably don't know this, but Adobe always sends me truckloads of its crappy software. Boxes and boxes of everything from Flex to CS3 to ColdFusion. And all of the boxes are open and personally signed and dated by the Adobe developers. Yeah. Kinda creeps me out. That's why I don't use any of the stuff. Some of the boxes I use as paperweights and doorstops. Everything else gets dumped into the freebie bins next to the intern cubicles.

Look, I don't want any doctored software. Bruce "back orifice" Chizen can keep his keystroke loggers and back doors to himself. Because everybody knows that's what he sends me. That's why the boxes are open -- the signatures are really just a decoy. No thanks, Chizen. I'll use the real deal, thank you very much.

So I fire up Pirate Bay and BitTorrent and download CS3 like everybody else does, right? And it works pretty well at first, even though I don't use it for too much. Just some minor stick character cartoons and pasting Melanie's head on a porn star's body. You know. The usual. And then the shit craps out on me. Says I need some f'ing license code or something, even though I already applied the warez patch and entered a valid serial number. So I'm thinking, fine, I can work this out. I call Adobe's tech support and explain what's happening and they ask me if I'm using an illegal copy of CS3. And I tell them, yes, I am, and by the way, I'm Larry Ellison. And the turds hang up on me. Just like that.

You know what? I remember stuff like this. It changes things -- makes people like Larry not like you or your stupid software company very much. And guess what, Bruce? I'm using Gimp right now to write this and it's working perfectly, okay? So start cramming your crappy software up your butt, bro.

I think I've found my new administrative assistant

Remember that ad I told you we were placing? Well, we've had a bite. Paris calls this morning and says she can roll joints with the best of them. Says she's worried her granddaddy might still pull her inheritance, so she's looking for a nice stable career where she can stay out of the public eye. And it's like so amazing to talk to Larry Ellison. She's heard like so much about me and when she saw the ad in High Times it was like, hello? She just had to call. And I say, sure, come on in and apply like everybody else. We'll get you in the MiG simulator as soon as possible. And she says, oh, she almost forgot to tell me that she's learned a thing or two in jail, which might come in handy. And she thinks that she's a really good fit for the position.

Um, yeah. I'm not too sure about the good fit part, but we'll see.

Folks, I know what you're thinking. But listen, I really think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Skateboarding is not a crime

Especially not when I do it. But I'm not going to kid you -- I'm not really that good yet. And Melanie makes me wear a shitload of pads over my suit when I skate up and down the halls at Oracle, which makes me look like a complete tool. That's okay, though. I'm almost ready for my big trip to Google next week. I have the 360 Double Flip down, and my no comply is sick. Believe it, dudes. I can't wait until the Google flakes see me Nosegrind on their Segway handlebars next Wednesday. They'll wig out and get their panties in a bunch and probably call the rumored Google Jetpack Security Team. All I can say is: Bring it. Tony Hawk's got nothing on Fake Larry.

August 6, 2007

So Eric calls...

And he’s crying like a big baby. Blubbering on and on about how the Google kids are all depressed after reading the articles that say Google’s hit the skids. Apparently they’re riding their Segways a lot less often and popping Prozac and Paxil in the bathroom. And that’s not even the half of it. They’re missing their massage appointments, drawing strange things on whiteboards, picking their noses while people are watching, and even driving their SUVs to work. He said security had to escort this one dude out of the building because he parked his Hummer in the employee parking lot, which is prohibited by company policy.

I’m like, Eric, bro. Google’s going through a mid-life crisis here. You need to do something. And he stops blubbering for a minute and says sure, Larry. But what? And I say, well, you have an identity problem on your hands, Eric. You’re the search company, but you’ve lost sight of that. Now you’re into all kinds of crazy shit like online word processing apps and Google Mars and even this new phone. How the fuck did you think you could get away with that type of stuff, Eric? And then he starts crying harder.

I wait it out. After he stops blowing his nose, I tell him that he needs to focus on what he does best. Stick with searching and ads and maps and stuff like that. The Mars stuff isn’t going to fly. I mean, I know it’s fun. I do. But Wall Street doesn’t care about searching maps of Mars. All they care about is the bottom line. What Google needs to do is under promise and over deliver. That’s how Oracle does it. That’s how Apple does it.

And he says, right, this is good stuff. I’m taking notes here. I could just see the poor dude sitting there in his office, rubbing his eyes and looking out the window at the girls on the volleyball court. And then he says, thanks Larry. I appreciate it. I really do. But I’ve got to go. Larry and Sergey are here with iced tea.

And I’m thinking, great. That’s what the founders are calling their Googleaid these days. Once the roofies kick in, he won’t remember shit. I love Eric to death, but I worry about that guy.

Employees are our most valuable asset

That's why we're treating them right, starting today. Look, I know Oracle has a bad rep here in the valley. People seem to think we're some kind of heartless soulless evil corporation that's worse than AOL or Microsoft. That or they think we're a high-tech anthill with a bunch of worker ants and baby ants and one big fat queen ant. Or something. Actually, I don't really know what people think about us, but I know it's not good. That's why they go to work at places like Google and Apple before they come to Oracle. We're getting the sloppy seconds of Silicon Valley.

Fine. But get ready people, because we're unveiling our secret weapon today. The program is code-named K.E.G., which stands for Kegs for Engineers and Gurus, and it aims to keep Oracle employees happy with plenty of beer, weed, and whatever else people want or need on their lunch breaks. The HR people tested this on our interns over the summer, and let me tell you, it boosted productivity by about 200%. At least, it did after the strippers stopped coming.

So watch out financial flakes. Because between K.E.G. and our 12g release, we're going to make you look like turds in a turd-bowl.

Forbes really gets Oracle now

And it shows in their latest article. See here. My favorite quote: "Oracle is the leading global provider of enterprise software, which is used to improve productivity and efficiency by managing information on an organization-wide level."

Wow, great job, flakes. I mean, we've only been in business for like what, 30 years now? And you still have to devote two-thirds of your article to telling people what we do? Gee, I'm just blown away by your Silicon Valley knowledge and technology know-how. It really makes me want to subscribe to your pathetic financial rag. Or not.

Hey, at least they got one thing right -- we are about to breakout. But you already knew that, right? I mean, you must if you're here reading Fake Larry.

August 5, 2007

We pulled the plug on Mini Me

See here. Only it wasn't Steve who canned the dude, it was us. I told my IT security people to get in there and rename all of the FSJ blog database tables after Simpsons characters. And I swear Steve calls me like five minutes after that. He's all panicked and shit and dropping the f-bomb. And I'm like, what makes you think it was me? Anyway, to make a long story short, the Apple cafeteria employee is back to serving tater tots.

I get all my best ideas from Frank

People come up to me sometimes and say, Larry, how did you come up with all this stuff? Where did you find the inner-strength and creativity to invent things like the relational database, BMW Oracle Racing, and the kegerator? You're an f'ing genius, Larry. Well, yes. It's true that I invented the relational database, but I can't take credit for BMW Oracle. That was all Paul Cayard's fault. And just because I have over 300 hand-made kegerators on my yachts doesn't mean that I invented those either. Even if I wanted to take credit for something as cool as the kegerator, I wouldn't. It's just wrong.

But anyway. Back to where all of my creative juices come from. To be honest with you, I tap my main man Frank Chu for all the big juicy ideas. Most of you probably know him as San Francisco's most famous protester or whatever, and maybe you think he's a mental case, but let me tell you. Frank here is a modern day visionary. Kind of an Oracle in his own way. Dude's a genius when it comes to string theory, quantum mechanics, and chaos theory as it relates to databases.

I get the guy, you know? We understand each other. Frank knows that Oracle is the chosen corporation, and I know that Frank is going to help us build the next generation database. The one that's going to crush MySQL and all the other kiddie databases out there. The one that's going to bring peace and harmony to enterprise computing. The one that's going to make me the richest man in the world. Again.

So I fly him out to Aspen every once in a while. I wine and dine the dude behind closed doors, let him take a couple hits on the monster bong, and watch him do his thing. Let him talk about the new schemas and tablespaces. Let him talk about the 12 galaxies and the government corruption. It all starts to make sense after you listen to him for a couple hours. We're incorporating all of this information into our 12g release. You probably think 12g is just another version number or something, but it's not. It's short for Frank's 12 galaxies. My R&D people won't let me say much more at this point, but take it from me. This is one release you're not going to want to skip.

August 4, 2007

A reader asks...

"Do you really have a MiG? Because I think I read somewhere on the Internet that you have one, but then I watched this report on CNN that said you didn't. Now you're blogging about MiGs. What gives?"

Look, I'm not saying I have one. But I'm not saying I don't have one either. Yes, the press has reported that my MiG deal fell through or was blocked by the government or whatever. And that's probably what most people want to believe. I mean, let's be honest here. Would you really want to know whether or not I owned a Russian fighter aircraft? Would you really want to know about my dogfights with F-16s over New York City? Or how I fly the thing drunk and stoned with a beautiful woman straddling me? Or how I drop thousands of Santanic Surfers and Bad Religion CDs over the Bible Belt in my free time?

I didn't think so.

What I will tell you is that there's a bunch of under-paid turds working at the FAA. These FAA flakes have college degrees and think very highly of themselves. But they have their prices, just like everybody else. Assuming I did have a MiG in the United States, I probably would have paid a few of those people off. Just so you know, okay? That's not an admission of guilt.

We're calling it a "Career Opportunity"

Goes a little like this. I'm getting a little older and for some reason my fingers are too fat to roll joints these days. So my HR people are looking for a new administrative assistant. You know, just somebody to go wherever I go and roll the you-know-whats whenever I want them. Because here's the thing. Even if I could roll them these days, I wouldn't want to. Much as I love weed, I'm tired of tasting, touching, seeing, and smelling the stuff. I just want to smoke it.

Shouldn't be too hard to find somebody, right? That what's we thought, too. But just try giving somebody a dime bag and telling them to roll a joint in the MiG-29 simulator when it's flying upside down and pulling like -18Gs. Nobody can do it. A couple people passed the yacht simulator test where you have to roll one in the crow's nest with rain and gale-force winds. But come on. Anybody can do that, even me.

So we're placing an ad in the High Times next month. And if that doesn't work, we'll place one in the Air Force Academy newspaper or whatever. I know for a fact that those boys fly stoned. I mean, what else are you going to do when you're Iraq-bound in one of those C-130s?

August 3, 2007

We had a falling out

So Steve calls this week and says he’s going on vacation. Says he’s flying to Vail, Kazakhstan, Maui, and India. In that order. And then, if there’s time left, maybe to Orlando so the kids can go to Disney World and see him get dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow. And I’m like, that’s great Steve. Have fun. See you in a month, bud.

And he says, Larry. I really really need you to take care of my blog. And I’m like, what? He says, yeah. Nobody else around here will touch the El Jobso with a ten-foot pole. Al hates my guts after staying at my house. Bono’s too busy f’ing around with his hippie band. Jerry York still has dog breath. Nick Denton’s a friggin frigtard. So you’re the only one who can do it, Larry.

And I’m like, fine. Whatever. I’ll write a few posts so you can take a look and see what you think.

So I take a couple days and write the posts. And you know what? I haven’t had this much fun since I wrote the end of Melanie’s last novel. I email them to Steve and wait. Thursday comes and goes. Friday. Still nothing. Finally he emails me:

"Larry – No friggin way you’re taking over my blog. The stuff you sent me blows goats. Honestly, it made me throw up in my mouth a little. Ha! And anyway, you know writing about me is off limits. Shame on you, freak. See you in a month, huh? - FSJ"

I sit there for a minute – kinda slump down in my chair a little – and then I visit his blog. Just for old times sake, you know? And whaddya know? The flake says “Larry Ellison” is going to be writing his blog. See here. My favorite quote: “Larry Ellison has been bugging his PR people for a while to let him start his own blog at Oracle. But they're like, No friggin way are we letting you show the world how absolutely bonkers you are.”

Right. Because everybody knows I let my PR people tell me what to do.

Folks, something smells fishy. Because if I’m writing this, then who the heck is the fake Larry over at Steve’s blog? Steve, if I find out it’s some Apple cafeteria employee like I think it is, you better hope you packed a parachute and a bunch of dehydrated miso soup. Because that Gulfstream is going to fare about as well as an ultralight when you’re in my MiG’s crosshairs.

Just kidding. I wouldn’t really pull trigger and shoot you down. I mean, who would make my Macs and iPods and iPhones if you were gone? I’m still hurt, though. Shame on you, freak.