Now the turd is trying to kidnap and brainwash our certified Oracle database administrators. See here. Apparently, several unfortunate souls have already been reprogramed by the evil open source empire. We know this, because like war-torn Vietnam vets, they've emerged from captivity proclaiming their love and affection and devotion to MySQL. But don't worry, friends. Help is on the way. Oracle never leaves a soldier or customer behind, so just sit tight and wait for us to find you. When we get there, we'll give you a hot cup of Starbucks fair-trade coffee and some gentle, soothing deprogramming treatment. Seriously, it's so good you won't even know you were brainwashed by the MySQL flakes in the first place.
We're also taking a proactive approach. We've emailed our Oracle DBA mailing lists and we're warning people against communicating with anybody from MySQL AB. For those who feel like they're being targeted or on the verge of being kidnapped, we've set up the Oracle Witness Protection Program (OWPP). Just call our tollfree hotline and we'll relocate you and your family and provide all of you with new identities.
I'd like to thank Duncan Davidson for the picture of Marten Mickos (above) that I probably shouldn't be using. Whoops.
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