August 27, 2007

This is what happens when you're a butthead

First you go to college. You get drunk at freshmen toast, sleep with a couple hot co-eds, pledge the fraternity with the highest women to geek ratio, watch meteor showers while stoned on the roof of the SUB, and laugh at jock jokes so hard that beer comes out of your nose. Then you take a couple computer science classes and think, gee, I should create a music application and make some money. So you do that. But you get kinda bored, because what you really want to do is meet women and find out who's banging who in the dorms. Then you think, gee, I should create a website that lets people create profiles and link to other people and then I could make some serious payola. So you do that. And then, before you know it, you're in the New York Times and you're rubbing elbows with big wig venture capitalists. You drop out and start up. You have a fast car, strong entrepreneurial spirit, and a girl on each arm. Nobody can stop you now.

Except yourself.

Look, Zucker. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you bet wrong. You fucked up. You refused to sell your cheap Friendster-imitation website for $1 billion, and now you're flushing your brand name down the toilet with all of these stupid developer applications. And no, you don't have a networking utility. What you have is a PHP/MySQL site that my cats could code blindfolded.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but here goes. I'm willing to buy Facebook, Zucker. And I'm thinking $20 million is a fair price. Honestly, that's probably too much since you don't even run Oracle databases. But give me a call, bro. We'll talk.


Anonymous said...

$200 million? For that piece of dog shit? Let me tell you how to play this Larry. Remember: this is a mans world - fuck or be fucked. So you need to get out the KY and start lubing up. Here is how to do it:

First you need to hire some wiz kid hackers living in their parents basements to cause service mayhem. Then after a few days of DOS attacks - you should bribe some sysadmins to 'accidentally' spill a can of thermite napalm on all but one set of server stacks. Don't worry, they have backups.

When people try to visit Facebook, it will be so slow that it will be painful. After a few days, Zuckershrinkingballs will be near the breaking point. All his loyal shit sticks will abandon him. Traffic will plummet. His balls will recede back into his chest.

That is when you step in. Larry the hero - willing to bale out the boy blunder.

Just remember not to get shit on your hands when you are handing the turd his check (for much less than $20 million).

Anonymous said...

we hearz there's an assbook too