August 30, 2007

We might have to rename our 12g release



Remember how I said that San Francisco's Frank Chu is the greatest undiscovered technologist in the history of the world? And how in honor of his tremendous contributions to Oracle we named our new top-secret database 12g, after Frank's 12 galaxy concept? Well, it turns out that we might have to rename it 1000g, because Frank had a major breakthrough a couple days ago. Believe it or not, my main man has started talking about another 988 galaxies. Oracle's R&D people aren't quite sure what it all means yet, but they're working on it round the clock. One thing's for sure. We'll have to push back the new database release by at least a year or so. Don't worry, people -- the new features will be well worth the wait. Trust me on this one.

1 comment:

diogenes said...

Frank Chu is either the most brilliant satirist of our time, or he is really fucking insane. I think he is the former - some of his facial expressions as he was answering questions speaks to a big sense of humor.

1000 galaxies? 12 galaxies? 6000 dead? 2 trillion dollars in debt?

He gets it. Numbers mean nothing to most people because they can't put numbers into context - so you mine as well be talking about "1000 galaxies". Our government has been doing this for centuries. Put a big number in front of something inane to make it sound important - diverting your attention from the real matter at hand.

Take any major election in the last 100 years. Every political platform has it's 'facts' backed up by large numbers. Who cares if the numbers are true or not? They sound reasonable, and important. The media reports them, and people eat them up. Even ol' Greasy Walleye Bush could spout a pile of numbers to get elected.

"I will increase spending on education by 20 billion dollar." "There are 4 million unemployed in our country. I will help them."

The numbers sound reasonable so people eat them up. It is also one of the hallmarks of successful business.

"10 times the pain relief." "Cleans your hair better than a thousand iguanas snorting coke."

All people hear is what they want to hear - so when you qualify what they want to hear with a big number it makes them love it even more. Bloody brilliant. Like stealing shit sticks from a baby.

The most amazing thing is that people buy this crap (or elect it) and then they self justify their purchase by finding more, completely worthless 'facts' to back up their decision.

Here is an example. Someone goes into a car dealership and buys a piece of shit for $5000 more than he should have. He goes home, and immediately tells his wife what a great deal he just got. He tells his friends some stupid shit about how the "windshield is tempered glass" and the "seatbelts are stronger than other models". He justifies *giving* some dealership $5k more than he should have.

We don't even have to do any work - buyers do it for us. Granted, the product has to be at least decent - but we also help define 'decent'. All we do is tell them it is good. "The number one brand in America." or "Number One in Service."

It is almost too perfect.

Sure, people don't believe Frank Chu - but they should learn from his hidden message. Because he is secretly trying to teach people that most of what they hear is full of shit. Or maybe he is just completely fucking nuts.