August 27, 2007

Gurus gone wild


So I want to give our shareholders a little update on Kegs for Engineers and Gurus (K.E.G.). We're two or three weeks into this thing, and I think it's safe to say that it's been a smashing success. Employees have indicated on surveys that it's boosted their morale and confidence levels by at least 90%, and HR just told me this morning that no employees have resigned since we implemented the program. But it's also done much more than that. Revenue is through the roof, productivity is sky-high, women are making out in the halls, men are having an easier time meeting women, and we're succeeding at creating a true sense of community. We're one big happy family now. And this week we're going to start a wet blouse contest and give out special Oracle shot glasses that say: "Oracle: Feel the sting."

There have been some minor incidents. One of our sysadmins got crunk last week and unplugged a couple production servers. And apparently employees have been telling their friends about us, because now a lot of sorority girls are applying for jobs. They send us resumes written in crayon and come in here in pink tank-tops and flip-flops and they text their friends through the entire interview.

But honestly, the best part is watching Safra ride the mechanical bull. We just can't keep her off the thing.

1 comment:

diogenes said...

As my grandmother used to say: "You're either a wolf, or you're a sheep. Ethics are for sheep. Wolves eat sheep, and shit morals."

It's good to see that you are a wolf, Larry.

Kids will work twice as hard, for a quarter of the pay. If 3 of 'em combined produce as much as a more experienced shit stick, then you have made a profit.

I have been trying for years to eliminate everyone in my company over the age of 19; but it is hard. The board thinks I am crazy. "Who will run the factories? Who will make sure we meet the quotas?". I told them about computer controlled shock collars. Each kid wears a shock collar, and when they fuck up, or underproduce - they get shocked. If they produce more than average- they get a peanut. The board thought it might cause some legal problems so they decided to keep the managers. What a bunch of fucking sheep.

It grinds my gears when a bunch of little-red-riding-hoods tell me I'm "over the line". If you can't handle the heat - get out of the shitchen. But I don't let them ruin my day - they don't make a tenth of what I make every day.

These poor sheep sicken me. There is no "middle class". If a poor person earns $12k a year, and I earn $1.5 billion a year - then the middle is somewhere around $700 million (give or take a few million). You aren't even 'middle class' if you earn more than $1 million. You are down right poor if you don't earn $50 million. But it works to our advantage - because they will work like a dog, while we make all the money. The key, is making people believe that they are 'middle class' - and moving up. This is great - because the ladder is never ending - like some crazy Escher drawing. We just convince people that they have 'made it' when they have achieved some stupid thing - like joined the country club or purchased their first Mershities Benz. But there is always some other stupid thing waiting at the end of the rainbow.

It is like a greyhound dog race - they think that if they do a little more they will finally get that fucking rabbit. But the rabbit isn't even real - and while they slave away - convinced they will 'make it' - I am sitting on the beach drinking Margaritas. Cheers to KEG!