August 7, 2007

Adobe CS3 Fails Street Test

You probably don't know this, but Adobe always sends me truckloads of its crappy software. Boxes and boxes of everything from Flex to CS3 to ColdFusion. And all of the boxes are open and personally signed and dated by the Adobe developers. Yeah. Kinda creeps me out. That's why I don't use any of the stuff. Some of the boxes I use as paperweights and doorstops. Everything else gets dumped into the freebie bins next to the intern cubicles.

Look, I don't want any doctored software. Bruce "back orifice" Chizen can keep his keystroke loggers and back doors to himself. Because everybody knows that's what he sends me. That's why the boxes are open -- the signatures are really just a decoy. No thanks, Chizen. I'll use the real deal, thank you very much.

So I fire up Pirate Bay and BitTorrent and download CS3 like everybody else does, right? And it works pretty well at first, even though I don't use it for too much. Just some minor stick character cartoons and pasting Melanie's head on a porn star's body. You know. The usual. And then the shit craps out on me. Says I need some f'ing license code or something, even though I already applied the warez patch and entered a valid serial number. So I'm thinking, fine, I can work this out. I call Adobe's tech support and explain what's happening and they ask me if I'm using an illegal copy of CS3. And I tell them, yes, I am, and by the way, I'm Larry Ellison. And the turds hang up on me. Just like that.

You know what? I remember stuff like this. It changes things -- makes people like Larry not like you or your stupid software company very much. And guess what, Bruce? I'm using Gimp right now to write this and it's working perfectly, okay? So start cramming your crappy software up your butt, bro.


Anonymous said...

yeah larry, bust out the gimp suite baby!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I would stick with Gimp or CS2.

The *only* change I have noticed has been the re-iconization of the Adobe suite.

I can just imagine that board meeting:

***Board Meeting Minutes***
CEO/DOUCHE - "People, we don't have enough changes to warrant a new release of the Adobe Suite. I need some ideas!"

LACKEY/DOUCHE - "I know, lets package each one with a douche!"

OTHERLACKEY/DOUCHE - "NO, I've got a better idea! Lets just change all the icons. Photoshop will be Ps, Flash will be Fl, and Fireworks will be Fw. Oh and we can call the whole package - The Adobe FU Suite."

CEO/DOUCHE - "Excellent thinking! Lets destroy all of our credibility by releasing a piece of shit!"

***End of Board Meating Minutes***

The Gimp may be retarded (what is up with the lack of a window? ftards! If I lose my color swath window again I will firebomb your GNU mother's basement of a shit trap!) but at least it is better than a stinking pile of Unicorn shit. Apparently the only thing that Macromedia gave Adobe was a shitty fly swatter.