So I walk into the office this morning and Safra says, where the hell have you been? Because IBM's been waiting in the board room for four hours and they're madder than hornets trapped under Bill's toupée. And I'm like, Safra, baby. Whoa. Slow down and start from the beginning. And so then she tells me how IBM apparently scheduled a meeting with me months ago to see our new top secret 12g release and talk to Frank Chu about some of the new mind-blowing components. She says they're here now and they've brought their golf clubs and golf carts and mainframes and hummer limos.
I tell her no way. The meeting's not going to happen. Call it off, do whatever she needs to do, but I'm not going to talk to those flakes. Why the hell would I give those punks our trade secrets? And she says, Larry, you told them it was all set last week. You can't just cancel now. And I'm like, uhh, yes I can. I'm Larry f'ing Ellison. I own this company, and I do what I want.
But then she got that sad puppy dog face and I knew she was right. So I pulled the fire alarm. It was the only logical thing to do. And here's the best part. Since I wrote all of the fire alarm evacuation procedures myself, nobody goes back into the buildings until Safra gets every single employee to sign her clipboard. Insane, right? She's so cute. She puts on this little orange vest and screams employee names through a bullhorn until they come up and sign. The entire process could take days.
Oh, I almost forgot. I paid the fire department to tow away the IBM hummer limos and golf carts. You should have seen the IBMers. One of the security guys was crying his eyes out. I almost felt sorry for them. Almost.