Jonathan Schwartz in analogies

His face is a perfect oval, like a circle that's had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. His thoughts tumble in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. He speaks with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. He has a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. He grows on Sun like he is a colony of E. Coli, and Sun is room-temperature Canadian beef. He's about to fall 12 stories and hit the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. His mind is like a steel trap, only one that has been left out so long it has rusted shut. He's as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that is actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

And he's about as stupid as the high school students who wrote these dumb analogies. I like our public education system almost as much as I like Sun Microsystems. Schwartz, what the fuck are you thinking? Oh, wait. That's right. You're not. You're like a turd that was accidently dropped into a cup of steaming JAVA. Or something.