August 21, 2007

But MySQL is a four letter word

So, a bunch of people are writing in and complaining about how I use MySQL like it's a four letter word or something. Apparently they think the open source database is really great and cool and awesome because companies like YouTube, Flickr, Yahoo, and Facebook use it. And it must be great if Facebook uses it, right? Because Facebook is, like, so cutting edge here in the Valley. They have that new "developer platform" that allows people to create "applications" that let you virtually bitch-slap people and somehow enable your dog to log into your account and update it. Or something. And they don't think I should have called Marten Mickos a butthead.

Okay. You people are right about me calling Marten a butthead. I made a mistake, and I apologize for that. In fact, I should have used a much stronger derogatory term, but I didn't, because children under the age of 13 read my blog and I want to be the bigger man. Marten loves to rag on me in interviews like this. Well, guess what, Mickos? I'm not stooping to your level.

And for those of you who think that MySQL is a great database, I have only the cold knife of pity. Using MySQL is like trying to do Calculus with a third-grade math book. When you're doing real work, you need real software -- software like Oracle. Of course, we don't give it to just anybody. That would be like giving a Calculus textbook to a third-grade student. Grow up, and then come to us. Everybody does in the end, even the MySQL puritans.


Anonymous said...

Larry, thanks for your helpful advice about what Wikipedia will have to do when it grows up from it's childish top 10 site position. We'll need to handle more than the few billion queries a day that we do now.

How much will it cost us to get a serious database that we can use to beat Google?

Anonymous said...

i'll show you MySQL if you show me yours, baby

diogenes said...

How can you give a steaming pile of shit to kindergartener's and tell them to sculpt Michelangelo's 'David'? It just doesn't work.

Don't get me wrong. In *theory* MySQL is as good as any other DB, but who wants a bunch of kids fucking up your data? Come on guys, its time to grow up and buy some pubes to glue to your balls. Sure Oracle is expensive - but you can't get an Aston Martin for free. You pay for that shit, and then you expect it to perform like a dream. You do, and Oracle does.