So long, Paris. Sorry it didn't work out.

Okay, so I know Paris has only worked for me about a week or so. But the girl just had to go. For one thing, she was real flakey this week. As soon as we landed in Jerusalem, she bought a bunch of potato chips and started watching Jackie Chan movies. Then she didn't want to go out and party with Yarden and Nivit and Natalie and me. She said she wasn't going out on the town with a Pendy, whatever that is. And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, she wouldn't roll me joints. When I made a stink about it, she rolled me a nice big one and we made up and were better. For a while. Until we were in the MiG, flying home, and she tried to take Minor Threat out of the MiG's CD player. She said she wanted to listen to Justin Timberlake.

That was the last straw. I had to show her to the door. You know. Like, eject her.

My PR people are spinning the story as I write this. I'm not quite sure what they're saying, but you can probably guess, right? "Paris Hilton, the blonde bimbo millionaire socialite skank, was wigging out after forgetting to take her medication for unknown mental illnesses. In a terrible and horrific accident, she pulled the eject lever and parachuted safely into Yugoslavia. Larry Ellison said he deeply regretted the incident." It would all be true, except the part about me regretting the incident. Thank god I won't always have Paris, eh? Anyway, I'm back safe and sound in San Jose now.

Paris Hilton, worst MiG passenger ever

So I tell her before we get in the cockpit that she needs to wear one of the little diapers I gave her. You know, because we're flying non-stop and refueling in the air. But does she listen to me? No, she does not. She says she can hold it. Right. Like hey, I'm Paris Hilton the millionaire princess skank who can hold it in for like 18 hours. Then she blames me when she tinkles in her seat. I'm like, say whatever you want Paris, but you're paying to have that cleaned up. And then she rolls me a joint with really shitty weed that's laced with something. I could feel myself wigging out a little, and honestly, I knew something was really wrong when I tried to land on that aircraft carrier. But that worked out alright. And I'll spare you the details of her puking while I was flying upside down over Jerusalem. Hey, we're here, right? We made it. "Shabot Shalom," as they say in Hebrew. Means happy Saturday.

OMG Paris drunk dialed me last night

She calls me at 2:28 AM and she's so fucking wasted. She's like, hello? Hello? Larry? And I know it's her right away. I'd recognize that high-pitched whiny valley-girl voice anywhere. And I say, yeah Paris? And she says, do I have the job? And I'm like, well, you did pretty well in the MiG simulator according to the guy in HR, and everybody gave the thumbs up, so I guess it's a go. And she's like, YAAAAAAAAAAAAY LARRY!!! And then she starts laughing or crying, or both. And then I'm thinking, wait a sec. I could have some fun with this. So I say, Paris, you're going to stick to me like white on rice, right? And she's like, uhhhh huh. And then I say, and you'll roll me joints anywhere, right? Even in your parents house or the men's room or the Oval Office? And she's like, uhhhh huh. And then I say, is there anything you won't do? And she's like, uhhhh huh. And then I say, okay, like what? And she's like, uhhhh huh. That's when I hung up.

I think I've found my new administrative assistant

Remember that ad I told you we were placing? Well, we've had a bite. Paris calls this morning and says she can roll joints with the best of them. Says she's worried her granddaddy might still pull her inheritance, so she's looking for a nice stable career where she can stay out of the public eye. And it's like so amazing to talk to Larry Ellison. She's heard like so much about me and when she saw the ad in High Times it was like, hello? She just had to call. And I say, sure, come on in and apply like everybody else. We'll get you in the MiG simulator as soon as possible. And she says, oh, she almost forgot to tell me that she's learned a thing or two in jail, which might come in handy. And she thinks that she's a really good fit for the position.

Um, yeah. I'm not too sure about the good fit part, but we'll see.

Folks, I know what you're thinking. But listen, I really think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.