These Alinghi guys are toast

I think Swiss drug lord Ernesto Bertarelli has finally figured out that he picked on the wrong dude. He’s used to fucking with poor people who sail toy boats in places like Dubai and Kennebunkport. He’s won so many times over the years that it probably never occurred to him that he shouldn’t challenge a guy like Larry Ellison. He thought I was just going to roll over when he proposed new rules that would completely destroy the America’s Cup. Um, yeah. Fat chance, crack head. We're going to shut you down. You can cry and kick and scream and shoot up all you want, but it's not going to make any difference. We've already won. You know how I know? Because articles like this one keep appearing and they're making you look real bad. Check out this one quote: "Making American billionaire Larry Ellison 'look like the good guy is hard to do,' yet Swiss billionaire Ernesto Bertarelli has accomplished that, said Gary Jobson." You can say that again, Gary. Listen, Ernie. If you raise the white flag and give up now I'll let you sail in the America's Cup in 2009. Seriously. This isn't a joke, dude. Because everybody knows that I don't just win. I make everybody else lose. It's a little philosophy of mine. Just saying. You can do you whatever you want, Ernie. Okay? I just wanted you to know before we go to court.

We're rocking the boat early this week

You probably know that Oracle is releasing its quarterly results tomorrow. And believe me, I really want to tell you how we did this quarter. But I can't. At least not yet. What I can tell you is that we're already throwing a bunch of big ass parties on my boats. You probably won't believe this, but right now I'm totally being crowd surfed up to the top deck of the Rising Sun, Macbook Pro and all. Most of Oracle's employees are out here, and have been for most of the day. See video footage taken earlier in the day above. But, anyway. This rock the Oracle boat thing is kind of an annual event. In good years we party hard and have a lot of fun. In bad years we make the losers among us walk the plank. But this year we have something really special. I had a bunch of custom pinatas made. They're really incredible. Some look like Marten Mickos, some look like red hats, and a few even look like Shit for Brains. Everybody gets to take a whack. So party hardy, friends. Let's do this thing.

WWLD?

Hypothetical situation: Say you really want to win the next America's Cup and so does a cracked-out billionaire drug lord. The crack-head gets all of his drug cartel friends together to try to push through a new set of boat specifications. They want to sail bigger boats so they can transport more drugs and push more pills. And you're trying to be nice about it, because you don't really want to open him up to a bunch of federal investigations and international penalties and drug rehab programs, right? So you just take him to court and say, hey, wait a sec. The honor and tradition and history of the America's Cup is on the line here. We can't allow this to happen. And then articles like this start appearing and the drug lord, who gets quoted while he's stoned, says that you've been "eliminated." Your lawyers tell you not to say anything about it. What would you do?

Well, I guess I'd say that I'd spend some more time in the MiG simulator to practice bombing drug lords in sail boats. And I'd probably also tell Ernesto Bertarelli to start taking his medication again, because he seems to be wigging out a little. And then I'd probably tell the world that I haven't been eliminated. I'd say that I'm only getting started. I'd say that I'm about to unleash hell on the dude, because I'm madder than a Frenchman stuck in the Grand Canyon without deodorant. And then I'd fire up the MiG and launch a Sidewinder missile with Ernesto Bertarelli's name on it.

But of course all of this is just hypothetical, and I'm not going to say anything except that I have no comment, because that's what my lawyers told me to say. Okay? I have no comment. You can quote me on that. Happy now?

The sailing nutcakes are trying to cramp my style

My lawyers advised me not to comment on BMW Oracle's pending litigation against these Alinghi turds, but I just can't take it anymore. So listen up, Butterworth. I'm going to be honest here and let you in on a not-so-little-secret, okay? We're going to win the next America's Cup, and you're not. I don't care whether or not you win in court. I don't care whether or not you're the defending champion. We've got better shit and the heart and soul to sail. So watch out, fool. I'm about to bring my Silicon Valley smackdown into the world of sailing, and trust me, you don't want none of this. Yeah. If you're not quaking in your boat shoes, you will be soon. Because I'm going to show you what the word "pwned" really means. Bring it, butthead.

So what if I tossed a couple water balloons overboard?

What do you do if you happen to be floating by Larry Ellison's yacht and you see the crew tossing water balloons at other ships? Well, if you're this loser, you go on the Internet and write all about it. See here. My favorite quote: "The crew was very nasty, throwing water balloons at passing little boats just having a look." Yeah, right. My only regret is that this butthead didn't come close enough to get hit. Look, we were just messing around, okay? And for the record, people were throwing things at us, too. This one dude even rammed my ship with his little rubber raft. Not cool. The bottom line is this: if you can't run with the big boats, don't get off the dry dock.