MySQL collection cart coming to a cubical near you

The first thing we tell new hires is that they shouldn't install or use MySQL under any circumstances. But accidents happen. And we understand that. Sometimes people are duped into doing stupid things like installing malicious and useless applications that are harmful to themselves and others. That's why this dude is biking around the Oracle offices right now and collecting machines that have been infected with MySQL. We're granting employees amnesty today and today only. Give us your computers, people. We'll purge the evil and put you back on the straight and narrow. Because after today, Safra gets to deal with you. And believe me, you really don't want to see her when she's got a whip in her hands.

Ballbuster, Oracle shareholders salute you

You can call Safra Catz our President, Chief Financial Officer, and Head Ballbuster. The Head Ballbuster part is just fancy-pants Oracle speak for, "You're gonna do what she says or you're gonna get kneed really hard in the balls and shipped off to Microsoft with a damaged goods label." Yeah. Don't mess with this woman, people. She will knee you a new one. And sure, some people think she's a lesbian, and to be honest with you, I sometimes think she is, too. But she's not. She has a husband and the statistical 2.45 kids and two dogs and a cat and twelve cars and six houses and a whole shitload of little fish floating around in her 500 gallon fish tank. So what if her kids are adopted and her husband's a mail-order groom? That doesn't mean anything.

So check out her stats, dudes. Top of her class at Harvard Law. Effectively slimmed dozens of Oracle call centers down into just five. Consolidated over 70 employee databases into just one. And profitability up a whopping 20% since she arrived here at Oracle. Oh, yeah. That's the power of Safra, baby. She runs a tight ship, and I'm damn proud of her. I'm totally in love with her in a totally non-romantic way.