Karl says I need to start packing

Turd Blossom comes in this morning and says, look Larry. You have the fighter jet. You have the women. You have the largest enterprise software company in the world. Now you need the package. You need the appearance of one who is well-endowed. Seriously. It'll be a PR wet-dream come true.

Then he takes out his wallet and drops like $1,000 on my desk. He says, go get your joint worked on this afternoon, Larry. Then stuff some socks on the staff. Prop up the bishop. Treat your wang to the all time high. The girls will love it. The media won't be able to ignore it. The SAP fucks won't know what hit 'em. It worked for George and it'll work for you. Trust me on this one, Larry. Then he just walks out of my office.

Eh. I don't know. I mean, I like the idea, but it would be kind of out of character for me, you know? But honestly, I'm loving Karl. The man really is a piece of work.

Welcome, Karl. Now go kick some ass.

Yes, I hired Turd Blossom this morning. The man's amazing. I mean, talk about a brilliant mind. He was nothing like what I expected, either. Safra had me all wigged out there for a while. Anyway, I just sent out this memo.

From: Larry Ellison < lellison@oracle.com >
To: All Oracle Employees
Subject: Welcome, Karl

Dear Oracle Employees,

As you may have heard, this morning Oracle interviewed Karl Rove, President Bush's former Deputy Chief of Staff. The interview was conducted by myself and Safra Catz. After talking at length with Mr. Rove and Mrs. Catz, I'm very pleased to announce that Mr. Rove has agreed to serve as Oracle Corporation's COF, or Chief Officer of FUD, starting September 4.

I understand that many of you have reservations about Mr. Rove's ethics, morals, and leadership abilities. Some individuals continue to insist on associating Mr. Rove with the Bush Administration, despite the fact that he left the White House on his own accord. However, after meeting Mr. Rove for the first time this morning, I can assure you that he is a man of utmost integrity, discipline, and honor -- indeed, a man who embodies the very essence of Oracle.

The decision to hire Mr. Rove is final, and is not open to discussion or interpretation. As we continue to blaze trails and tread into uncharted waters, I ask that you continue to trust the decisions made by Oracle executives. Now, more than ever, we need to continue innovating and creating more of the outstanding software Oracle is known for. With Mr. Rove's help, we can continue to raise the bar and, perhaps most importantly, win.

Larry


I'm thinking about hiring Turd Blossom

I know what you're thinking, but just hear me out, okay? Sure, Karl Rove is one twisted fuck. But you've got to admit that the man is a master when it comes to creating mayhem. I mean, come on. T.B. practically wrote the book on FUD, smear campaigns, and completely destroying everything that stands in your path. That's how the dude works. He's like a frigging sidewinder missile. You just aim him, say the word, and he goes and takes care of the rest.

Anyway. So the guy calls me last night and says, Larry, I'm ready to jump into the private sector. I've been controlling the most powerful nation in the world for the past seven years, and now I want to help you fight Microsoft and MySQL and SAP. And I'm like, yeah? Yeah? Tell me more. And so he goes into this whole spiel about how the best defense is a good offense, and what Oracle really needs to do is start going after the competition. Like, reposition the losers and then pick one of our weakest competitors and endorse them. Maybe SAP, he says. Make people believe that they're the only other option out there and then napalm the SAP fucks. Point out how they're stealing Oracle's support patches. Show people how their shitty software doesn't scale. Then go in for the kill.

And I'm like Karl, buddy. Come in for an interview on Thursday at 6 AM sharp.

UPDATE: Just talked to Safra about the whole thing. She doesn't trust the guy. I sort of tuned her out after a while, but I think she was going on and on about Hillary. Hillary this, Hillary that, and hadn't I heard about the vast right wing conspiracy and how Karl Rove was a big part of that? Whatever. All I know is that Karl was so right about SAP. Their software really doesn't scale well.