Damn you, Larry and Sergey

These guys just never stop, do they? It's not enough for them to have founded one of the largest companies in Silicon Valley. No. All the Toyota Priuses and Google Phones and Mac Pros and hot women in the world could never sate the appetite of the gTurds. They have to have it all. Case in point: The founders are going to start parking their Boeing 767 at NASA's Moffett Field. See here. And they'll be parking right next to my MiG and Cessna and C-130. Buttheads.

I'm calling it a "Negligent Discharge"

Just got back from escorting Steve up to Microsoft headquarters in the MiG. The whole thing came off without a hitch. Personally, I think that stuff he fed me about Gates handing out anti-aircraft guns was a crock. He just wanted to look important with a MiG flying next to his Gulfstream. Anyway. So after that, I buzzed Bill's house. I just had to after flying all the way up there, you know? I did it flying really, really low at full-throttle, with the afterburners on. It felt so great. Like this giant load had just been lifted off of my chest and I could breath deeper for the first time in years. But then the Air Force scrambled F-16s and I got a little scared. It all happened so fast. I fired a couple Sidewinders. One of the Air Force Falcons was hit. The pilot ejected. He was cool about it, though. I was actually talking to the dude the whole time -- he was laughing his ass off after he ejected. Not sure if that was just all of the oxygen pumped into his mask or what, but he really was a good sport.

Anyway, the Oracle PR people are already on it. You probably won't even hear about a downed F-16, but if you do it's because they've managed to spin the story enough so that it sounds like I was single-handedly defending the Air Force against terrorists. I was gittin' 'er done, as they say in Texas.

So Steve calls...

Says he has to fly up to Redmond tomorrow to meet with Ballmer, and would I please provide a MiG escort? Because his Microsoft source says that last week Gates put a bounty on his head and passed out free anti-aircraft guns to all Microsoft employees. And now his mugshot and Gulfstream are on "Wanted: Dead or Alive" posters all around the Microsoft campus. People are even donning cammos and helmets in preparation for the big day tomorrow. So, please?

And I'm like, how many iPhones is this worth to you? He says, come on Larry, just do it, you frigtard. I tell him I want two truckloads of the 8GBs, and none of that refurbished shit. Oh, and I want that hot intern in Apple's marketing department to ride with me and moonlight as my administrative joint roller. Then he starts dropping the f-bomb, and I'm just like, do you know how much it costs to fly the MiG?

So, we have a deal. Time to load up the Sidewinder missiles and do a couple practice runs in the MiG simulator. It's bombs away tomorrow. Can't wait.

So long, Paris. Sorry it didn't work out.

Okay, so I know Paris has only worked for me about a week or so. But the girl just had to go. For one thing, she was real flakey this week. As soon as we landed in Jerusalem, she bought a bunch of potato chips and started watching Jackie Chan movies. Then she didn't want to go out and party with Yarden and Nivit and Natalie and me. She said she wasn't going out on the town with a Pendy, whatever that is. And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, she wouldn't roll me joints. When I made a stink about it, she rolled me a nice big one and we made up and were better. For a while. Until we were in the MiG, flying home, and she tried to take Minor Threat out of the MiG's CD player. She said she wanted to listen to Justin Timberlake.

That was the last straw. I had to show her to the door. You know. Like, eject her.

My PR people are spinning the story as I write this. I'm not quite sure what they're saying, but you can probably guess, right? "Paris Hilton, the blonde bimbo millionaire socialite skank, was wigging out after forgetting to take her medication for unknown mental illnesses. In a terrible and horrific accident, she pulled the eject lever and parachuted safely into Yugoslavia. Larry Ellison said he deeply regretted the incident." It would all be true, except the part about me regretting the incident. Thank god I won't always have Paris, eh? Anyway, I'm back safe and sound in San Jose now.

Paris Hilton, worst MiG passenger ever

So I tell her before we get in the cockpit that she needs to wear one of the little diapers I gave her. You know, because we're flying non-stop and refueling in the air. But does she listen to me? No, she does not. She says she can hold it. Right. Like hey, I'm Paris Hilton the millionaire princess skank who can hold it in for like 18 hours. Then she blames me when she tinkles in her seat. I'm like, say whatever you want Paris, but you're paying to have that cleaned up. And then she rolls me a joint with really shitty weed that's laced with something. I could feel myself wigging out a little, and honestly, I knew something was really wrong when I tried to land on that aircraft carrier. But that worked out alright. And I'll spare you the details of her puking while I was flying upside down over Jerusalem. Hey, we're here, right? We made it. "Shabot Shalom," as they say in Hebrew. Means happy Saturday.

Oh man, I forgot all about this

So I was messing around on the Internet this afternoon and came across this. Turns out I'm supposed to be in Israel right now. And I was supposed to be there yesterday for some big-ass conference or something. Whoops. I just told Paris to pack her dime bags and get ready, because we're going to have to burn a little midnight oil to get there ASAP. As in, MiG afterburners the whole way there. We won't sweat the conference too much. The Israelis strike me as a very patient people, so I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. And yes, in case you're wondering, Oracle does have offices in Israel and 144 other countries. We're taking over the world, folks, slowly but surely. Anyway, I'll blog when I can. Just packed my MacBook Pro, iPhone, and kippah. More later.

A reader asks...

"Do you really have a MiG? Because I think I read somewhere on the Internet that you have one, but then I watched this report on CNN that said you didn't. Now you're blogging about MiGs. What gives?"

Look, I'm not saying I have one. But I'm not saying I don't have one either. Yes, the press has reported that my MiG deal fell through or was blocked by the government or whatever. And that's probably what most people want to believe. I mean, let's be honest here. Would you really want to know whether or not I owned a Russian fighter aircraft? Would you really want to know about my dogfights with F-16s over New York City? Or how I fly the thing drunk and stoned with a beautiful woman straddling me? Or how I drop thousands of Santanic Surfers and Bad Religion CDs over the Bible Belt in my free time?

I didn't think so.

What I will tell you is that there's a bunch of under-paid turds working at the FAA. These FAA flakes have college degrees and think very highly of themselves. But they have their prices, just like everybody else. Assuming I did have a MiG in the United States, I probably would have paid a few of those people off. Just so you know, okay? That's not an admission of guilt.