I'm sailing off into the sunset

Friends, I hope you're sitting down right now. I'm afraid I have some bad news. Recently there have been some complications with my lawyers and the public relations department, so I'm going to have to wrap things up here on this little blog. And in case you're wondering, yes, I know what you're thinking. I'm sorry it had to end this way, friends. But look on the bright side. Every time you make a phone call and purchase something with your credit cards, every time you make an appointment with your cosmetic surgeon and fire an employee at your corporation, chances are you'll be using an Oracle product. And every time you use an Oracle product, our paths will cross, if only briefly.

I'd like to thank you, dear readers, for all of the comments and email messages. And it would probably be a crime not to send shout-outs to the kind people at the San Jose Mercury News, MacSurfer, ZDNet, InfoWorld, and Oracle Apps Lab for all of the favorable press. And, of course, Zack Urlocker. I'll do my best to send free fake beta 12g databases out to everybody. Peace.

I just saved 7,532 houses

I think all of us have been touched by the fires burning outside Los Angeles and San Diego this week. In fact, I've lost a couple of my own properties down in Malibu. BTW, they're the same properties I wanted to tear down and rebuild, so it's no biggie. But listen. Just thinking about your entire home going up in smoke is enough to motivate anybody to help people in harm's way. I know if my Japanese gardens were on fire -- if all the azaleas and bamboo and Japanese maples and bonsai marijuana plants were going up in smoke -- I'd want somebody to come and help me. So I thought, what the heck? I told my aircraft guys to get in there and convert my C-130 into a tanker ASAP, and then I flew down to San Diego and doused some flames. I helped put out a fire or two, and then I went back and dropped a couple thousand Satanic Surfers CDs over Qualcomm Stadium.

I made a difference, which is more than most of you can say. I bet you lazy turds just sat in your leather armchairs and had the news about BEA Systems read to you by beautiful girls in bikinis while getting foot massages and facials. Am I right or am I right? Shame on you freaks.

Dear Shit for Brains...

I know you laughed at the iPhone and everything, but now 1995 is calling and it wants its phones back. As in, your phones, Stevie. All of those devices running Windows are out, bro. The people spoke yesterday. They want technology that actually works. They want phones that can actually make phone calls without crashing. People would rather use rotary phones that your Winphones. Yes, I know you're shocked.

CNET cheerleaders go apeshit for MySQL

This time they're citing a survey by the Independent Oracle Users Group (IOUG) and claiming that our users "go ga-ga for open source, including MySQL." Which I guess stands to reason if you only read the first two paragraphs of the survey and then ignore everything else. Like the part where people say that they would never use MySQL for anything other than testing because it's insecure, unsupported, and "typically not used for mission-critical applications."

Tell you what, CNET. Why don't you start using MySQL on your production webservers and stop repeating verbatim what you hear from MySQL's Vice President of Products? Then maybe you'll sound less like an infomercial and more like an actual news source. Maybe.

Carl Icahn, pull my finger

When I was heli-skiing in Jackson Hole last week, I realized that the only thing more dangerous than getting between a grizzly bear and her cubs is getting between Carl Icahn and a dollar bill. Seriously. Because here's the thing. A couple months ago we were thinking, holy cow, Carl fucking Icahn is buying up BEA Systems and the dude is ready to sell. Like, now. So I told Charles to throw an offer together and mail it in to BEA ASAP so we could pop the champaign, fire up the mechanical bull, and start rocking my boats. But then Carl said, well, uh, actually no, the offer isn't high enough, and could we please come back with a better offer? As if he really knows how these things work. And as if he's had a lot of luck with the businesses he's invested in recently. Like, um, Motorola and Time Warner. Ouch, Carl.

Anyway, I'm really happy articles like this one about Carl have started appearing around the blogosphere. This butthead needs to be called out and revealed for what he actually is: A little old man trying to play a game of monopoly with real businesses. And to be completely honest with you, that kind of board-game mentality might work in places like New York. Hell if I know. What I can tell you is nobody fucks with Larry Ellison and gets away with it. So, yeah. This isn't over, Icahn.

I have returned from the wilderness

Friends, I'm sorry about the lack of updates last week. I mean, I know this is a professional blog. And I also know a lot of stuff has gone down at Oracle over the last seven days. But let me tell you, last week was a totally crazy week for me personally. Man oh man. First there was the Oakland aerobatics show on Monday. Now, I'm not sure how many of you have flown a little prop plane 10 feet above the ground while stoned and drunk, but it really puts life and all of its challenges into perspective for you. There's nothing quite like playing chicken with telephone poles in a plane flying over four hundred miles per hour. And then on Tuesday, Steve came over to my house and we trimmed bonsai marijuana plants together and smoked a couple of joints and listened to Neil Young. Then I spent the rest of the week on my boat staring at the ocean and doing some soul searching. And you know what? I finally decided that I should have spent the week working at Oracle. Because honestly, I knew all along that it was just one of those weeks where I should have stayed home and taken care of little things, like firing John Wookey and closing the BEA Systems deal. Ah, well. As my hero Winston Churchill once said: never apologize, never explain.

We're a little disappointed about Doris Lessing

My wife Melanie really thought she was going to win the Nobel Prize in Literature this year. Don't ask me why. I mean, all of her books have been out of print for years now. And even when they were still in print, the only people who read them were desperate stay-at-home-moms and gay men and horny teenage girls who kept vibrators under their mattresses. But she still thought she was going to win. I warned her. I told her she was cruising for a bruising. Before we got married I said, Melanie, only 11 women have won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 106 years. And she said that she knew that and she wasn't going to get her hopes up or anything. But did she listen to me? No, she did not. She started crying her eyes out last Friday when I was supposed to be closing the deal with BEA Systems. It sort of frigged everything up. Anyway, that's what I was this weekend -- a shoulder to cry on. You're jealous, I know.

Friends, forgive me

You woke up this morning and saw the news about our bid for BEA Systems and you thought, what the fuck? Larry lied to us a couple weeks ago when he said he didn't care about those Beaturds. He tricked us, didn't he? Well, yes. And friends, I know what you're thinking right now. Listen, I'm sorry about misleading you. Just believe me when I say that I really want to tell you what we're doing with BEA Systems. But all I can say right now is that I can't say much. It's just one of those things. So have a good weekend and try not to toilet paper my house or egg my Karmann Ghia, okay?

As if three Google jets weren't enough...

Larry and Sergey and Eric just had to get another one. See here. I called Eric this afternoon to verify. He said, yes, the rumors are true. Apparently Larry wanted all three of them to have their own planes so they could each fly one and have dogfights over LA, and he wanted this new 757 so he could fly it from home with a special version of Microsoft Flight Simulator X. The best part about the 757 is that it runs on a special hybrid blend of dollar bills and ethanol. Larry's convinced that inflation is going to get so high in a couple months that the dollar won't be worth anything, so he wants to burn green backs to reduce the number of bills in circulation which will in turn help decrease inflation. Eric also said that passengers can actually fuel the aircraft while it's flying by sticking bills into the little plastic box right next to the stripper pole.

In the face of adversity, Red Hat tries to act natural

It's no secret that Shit for Brains thinks he owns Linux, or at least part of it. And it's also no secret that Red Hat thinks SFB is full of shit. But every couple months Stevie B. hints at an intellectual property lawsuit just to keep everybody on their toes. This time around, however, Red Hat says it isn't going to push back. They say they're just going to smile and nod and act like everything is normal. My lawyers are following the whole thing very closely. They say that Novell caving in was a good sign and that soon enough we'll be able to sue Microsoft for violating our patents. No joke. And we're talking large sums of money here, people. When you consider the fact that every computer running Windows has a little relational database inside, you'll see the scale of what I'm talking about. So we're almost ready to start entering into license negotiations with Microsoft. We think they should pay us about $10,000 per Windows installation. That's fair, right?

Jimbo's coming to town

Actually he's already been here for a while. But now he's moving the whole Wikimedia enchilada out here to the Valley. See here. I guess this means Wikipedia is out of the woods now, eh? Because last time I checked Jimbo was thinking about selling ads on encyclopedia pages. I think the real problem is that the dude can't get away from Wikipedia. He wants to be the next Bill Gates or whatever, but he just can't shake this rinky-dink non-profit he started. I hear that people always come up to the guy and call him the Wikipedia man. That and his rag-tag band of college student contributers always want him to speak at their schools. He must just hate that. And who can blame him? When you want to live on a sailboat with beautiful women hanging off each arm, you need money. Serious money. Money you're not going to be able to make with a non-profit organization. So I'm thinking about calling the guy. Maybe I'll invite him golfing and sailing and then offer him a job at Oracle. Either way, I'd like another friend. The guy's obviously smart, even if he does insist on using MySQL.

ZDNet's Michael Krigsman calls me out

Dude left a comment on one of my posts earlier today. Not sure, but I think he wanted to gently remind me of "Oracle's little payroll problem over at Arizona State University." Only it wasn't our problem, Mike. It was ASU's. Seriously. Because here's the thing. Sure we sell people software and support, but we aren't going to walk customers through every single itty-bitty little step. If they go and drop all of their tables by accident, that's not our fault. It's called operator error, Mike. Read our EULA. It doesn't cover mistakes made by blonde bimbos working as ASU interns who have freak-out moments whenever they break one of their nails. So you aren't going to get us on this one, bro. Nuh uh. Not going to happen. Talk to the hand, girlfriend.

This would make a great April Fools' Day joke

See here. Tom Yager over at InfoWorld says that we should all use Solaris when we can't use Mac OS X. He says that Solaris has all of the bloat of Windows Vista and none of the headaches associated with ease of use, and that's what makes it a great choice for people who aren't quite Mac people but don't want to be assimilated by Microsoft. Here's the best quote: "Solaris and OS X are both Unix, and if that's not enough, know that PowerBook, MacBook, and MacBook Pro are practically de facto choices among Sun's engineers." So if you're not sold on Solaris, the fact that Sun's engineers use it will seal the deal for sure.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. It doesn't make any sense to me either. And honestly, I'm kind of wondering whether Steve paid to have the article planted. He loves to fuck with the enterprise people.

Who needs an education anyway?

So by now you've probably read all about how SAP's shitty software basically shut down the entire Los Angeles school district. If not, see here. Apparently the administrators aren't yet sure whether the problem started with the MySQL database or the SAP installation. Anyway, now there's anarchy on the streets. Seriously. Kids are out of the classrooms and in the skate parks. They're listening to live punk bands instead of those dreary teachers. And thousands of these kids are talking to our Oracle recruiters. That's right people. As I write this, our dedicated employees are hitting the streets to find the little turd-droppers. We're calling it the A.S.S. (Application Support Services) initiative. Goes like this. We go out and find young tech-savvy individuals who want to make a difference. If they know about Linux, we give them our A.S.S. kit. It's a box full of things like condoms, Playboy magazines, O'Reilly programming books, a couple of marijuana joints to help them concentrate on the O'Reilly programming books, and a bunch of other information about open source projects. Because here's the thing. Those kids don't want to go to school their entire lives. They want to change the world and help people and do something meaningful. And what better way to change the world than to work on an open source project like Tomcat? Or maybe Fedora. Anything we can use and/or support.

I love Linus

But sometimes the dude can be as stubborn as a pack mule walking through Siberia in the dead of winter. Kind of like last week when he said, "You security people are insane," and then reiterated that he will add Smack to the Linux kernel. And that's cool. I mean, Linux is his dog and pony show. The problem is that Smack will probably bring a bunch of security vulnerabilities along with it.

People, this is exactly why I run OpenBSD on all of my servers at home. Those suckers are locked down. I keep them off the network, and I also have all the totally crazy shit to protect them. Fingerprint identification. Retinal scanners. Man traps. I'm telling you: The NSA has nothing on Larry's servers. Some people wonder why I go to the insane lengths I've gone to. Well, I'll tell you why. The truth is that you can never be too careful with your digital black book. Women's phone numbers are very, very important.

What's that sound coming from Facebook?

BusinessWeek thinks it's the cha-ching sound coming from the cash register as developers sell their Facebook applications and head for the door. But in reality it's just the sound of thousands of ambitious geeks trying to suck from Mark Zuckerberg's teat. Seriously. Sex-deprived brainiacs beware. This Facebook App stuff has pyramid scheme written all over it. Better to become an Oracle DBA and do serious work that can change the world and make you a bundle of money.

But let me tell you about this one app called Make a Baby. I really think it has potential. Check it out. You hop on Facebook and look at people's pictures until you get a hard-on or the female equivalent. Then you hook up and make a little virtual baby that looks like the two of you. Easy, right? The best part is that you don't even need to virtually procreate with a member of the opposite sex. Man oh man. Just think of the possible combos here. Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. Steve Ballmer and Jonathan Schwartz. (Sorry. Bad image. Talk about some fugly offspring.) Peter Burrows and Dan Lyons. Marten Mickos and Zack Urlocker. Or maybe even Jason Maynard and Rick Sherlund. Yes. Friends, I can see the positive energy flowing as I write this. More on these couples as they develop.

Henning Kagermann has his ass handed to him

Today's articles were so negative that it really pained me to read them. And that's saying a lot coming from me. This article from MarketWatch says that SAP just destroyed its relationship with Microsoft. And this article from Forbes says that we're smiling over here at Oracle. Believe me, we are smiling. But put yourself in Kagermann's shoes for a minute. You're sitting there watching Oracle buy all of these companies and get further and further ahead. We're literally leapfrogging over your pathetic products. You look at SAP's numbers and then you look at Oracle's numbers and then you get all panicked and shit. Beads of sweat pop out on your forehead. You know you have to do something. But what? Your old tricks don't work anymore. The engineers are working as fast as they can and your R&D department is light years behind the competition. So you think, okay, if you can't beat them you'll join them. You'll take Oracle's consolidation strategy and apply it to SAP.

And that's the heart of the problem. Our consolidation strategy isn't going to work for SAP. They're just not that kind of company. And anyway, they're too late. They purchased a company that was being shopped around and they overpaid by a couple billion. Now Microsoft is going to turn against them. And guess who's going to benefit from that? We will, of course, but also MySQL and to a lesser extent Red Hat. After us, MySQL AB probably has the most to gain, because SAP will probably develop closer ties with them after they fall out of grace with Microsoft. Changes are coming, bros.

BusinessWeek : Screech can learn a lot from MySpace

See here. For those too lazy to read, the article says that Facebook isn't doing all it can do to keep kids safe from sexual predators. The article cites a bunch of reputable off-duty police officers hanging out in strip clubs. Don't ask me where BusinessWeek finds these people, okay? I have no friggin idea. But anyway, according to the police officers, MySpace has some Perl script that flags profiles with words like "kill," "rape," "shoot," "gang," "Mark Zuckerberg," and "facebook." They take all the profiles that contain those words and they delete them. Facebook doesn't do that, so it's not as safe.

I know the article sounds stupid, but it's really not. And next month BusinessWeek is going to run another article about how Facebook needs to adopt MySpace's 1995-style colors and website design. The new article will also talk about how Facebook needs to let companies pose as people, let spammers create bogus profiles, and put advertisements for strip clubs at the top of every page. Then, according to the article, Facebook will be worth over $200 billion.

CmdrTaco celebrates ten years of bashing Oracle

See here. We're actually sending CmdrTaco aka Rob Malda a big ass fruitcake to help him celebrate Slashdot's tenth birthday. Why not? Taco's given us one helluva ride. All of those "Oracle Sucks Ass" articles were priceless. Too bad it's all coming to an end. Now all I have to do is send out an email message to Oracle's 70,000 employees and ask them to digg this or that. And then, boom! It's up on Digg and we get like 45,000 unique visitors within two hours. Of course, as Taco himself points out in one of those well-duh moments, "Digg is not Slashdot." Of course it's not, Rob. Slashdot is you, dude. That's why it blows goats. And that's also why your Wired interview has that big "Reddit!" button at the bottom of the page and that link to "Digg Just Might Bury Slashdot." Time for a reality check, CmdrTurd. You're not going to float for much longer.

SAP thinks it's ready to rumble

Woo boy. Euro-hippie Henning Kagermann is really strutting his stuff today after writing a $6.8 billion check for Business Objects. See here. I didn't think the dude had it in him, honestly. I didn't think Kagermann could actually spend that much money. I also didn't think he was stupid enough to fall for our jack-the-price-up strategy. But he was, and he did. It all worked beautifully. Safra was actually thinking about pushing the price up into the $8 billion dollar ballpark, but I said, no way, let's not push our luck on this one. Because here's the thing. If we made the price for Business Objects too high, we could have ultimately pushed SAP into bankruptcy, and we can't have that. We don't want to completely screw our competition. We need to keep some of our weakest competitors around so the feds think we're competing with somebody. It's the illusion of competition. That's it. I mean, you don't think SAP is actually going to be able to make this Business Objects thing work, do you? Ha! Henning Kagermann, bastard of bloat, we salute you.

What sort of twisted fuck does something like this?

Much love to dear reader John who sent in this snapshot of my defaced Wikipedia page (above). Look, people. I know some of you dislike my products. Maybe your Oracle database isn't working correctly. Maybe you don't understand our tech support personnel in Hong Kong or Nairobi or wherever. But that's not my fault. Oracle makes the best databases in the world and all of our tech support personnel take a rigorous course in speaking English. And anyway, nothing gives you a license to call me a Jew right in the subtitle of my Wikipedia page. It's antisemitism. It's hatred. So knock it off, will you? If you want to pick on somebody you should log onto Facebook and virtually knee your friends in the nuts.

"You're not going to believe this, but we're giving away servers now too."

Peter "you don't always have to be right" Burrows over at Business Week has hit another grand slam with his newest article about Jonathan Schwartz and Sun Microsystems. The best quote actually comes at the end of the article when Jim Zemlin at the Linux Foundation talks about Sun's recent moves: "It's like back in high school, when I'd throw these big parties and I'd think I was so cool, only no one would come." Which actually says a lot about both Jonathan and Jim when you think about it. Anyway, my question for Schwartz is this: How the fuck are you supposed to make money when you just give everything away? Peter Burrows seems to think that we're living in some new kind of economy where you don't really have to sell anything to make any money. In other words, if you keep throwing free software to the crowd and jumping and dancing around shiny servers long enough, good things are bound to happen. Um, yeah.

Pete, I want you to do something for me, bro. Just humor me, okay? Surf on over to Google and search for "google servers." Then take a good look at those pictures. See how Google is duck-taping hard drives onto motherboards? See how they're using velcro to strap the motherboards to the racks? Those are Google's servers, dude. Those are what power the world's biggest search engine. Google does that to save money and make components hot-swappable. I'm not sure, but it might have something to do with their stock price these days. So, yeah. Not sure where that leaves Sun, especially when you consider that hundreds of companies are now building servers Google-style.

Shit for Brains is splashing into SaaS

See here. Yes, I know this is old news. What makes it interesting now is that Microsoft is competing with a growing number of companies in this market, including SAP, Salesforce, and NetSuite. Don't laugh at the Microturds yet, though. When the tough get going, the going gets tough. I know SFB is just another butthead fighting over the SaaS table scraps, but Silverlight is actually pretty good. It's nothing to sneeze at anyway.

And I'll tell you this. The only thing worse than Google-envy is Salesforce.com-envy. Don't worry: Stevie B. will want Salesforce.com. When he starts making his little mating call and doing that thing with his tongue, we'll start dropping the hints that we're looking into buying Salesforce. It's our jack-the-price up strategy. We don't really want Salesforce, but we do want to fuck Microsoft. So we'll pretend to want them and plant a bunch of articles in the press and drop some outrageous figure like $10 billion. Then SFB will get all huffy and try to outbid us. It works every time. Just like it did with Red Hat and JBoss. And just like JBoss, Salesforce.com would drag Microsoft down. It would be a terrible buy for Microsoft. But that's Shit for Brains for you. I swear the dude's exactly like the teenage girls I see shopping at the mall. He's always buying a bunch of shit he doesn't really want or need.

Revenge of the Nerds coming to Xbox

Doesn't it seem like Microsoft takes a hit every time Red Hat releases their numbers? It sure seems that way to me. Red Hat announces record profits and Microsoft's stock goes down. Red Hat announces that they've gained market share and Microsoft fires a couple of their vice presidents. Don't ask me why it's like that. When you really look at the numbers you realize Microsoft has nothing to fear. But they're still afraid. It's like the elephant jumping out of its skin every time it sees the mouse. This last time Microsoft tried something new. Shit for Brains said, well, look. If we release Halo 3 on the same week Red Hat announces quarterly earnings, we'll probably be okay. And they were. In fact, Halo 3 actually did much better than they thought it would. Which is kind of surprising when you consider that the game sucks ass.

So the new plan is to release an Xbox game every time Red Hat announces quarterly earnings. That way, according to Shit for Brains, Microsoft can weather the storm. So SFB has directed Bungie to start working on a new game. This one is going to be a lot like the Revenge of the Nerds movie, except it's going to star younger Silicon Valley greats. Gates and Jobs are in there, of course. So am I. Larry made it in, people. Microsoft sent a couple developers down here to look at pictures of me when I was younger (above and to right) so they could get me just right. The evil frat boys are going to be the gentlemen from the SEC.

And you probably won't believe this, but Shit for Brains actually has hair in the game. I tripped out the first time I saw his character. I didn't even recognize the dude. Seriously. But here's the best part. I bribed the Microsoft guys to put in this cheat code that makes Shit for Brains go postal. Once they put it in the game, all you'll have to do is just punch in the code and Stevie B. will start throwing chairs and shit. Priceless.

These Alinghi guys are toast

I think Swiss drug lord Ernesto Bertarelli has finally figured out that he picked on the wrong dude. He’s used to fucking with poor people who sail toy boats in places like Dubai and Kennebunkport. He’s won so many times over the years that it probably never occurred to him that he shouldn’t challenge a guy like Larry Ellison. He thought I was just going to roll over when he proposed new rules that would completely destroy the America’s Cup. Um, yeah. Fat chance, crack head. We're going to shut you down. You can cry and kick and scream and shoot up all you want, but it's not going to make any difference. We've already won. You know how I know? Because articles like this one keep appearing and they're making you look real bad. Check out this one quote: "Making American billionaire Larry Ellison 'look like the good guy is hard to do,' yet Swiss billionaire Ernesto Bertarelli has accomplished that, said Gary Jobson." You can say that again, Gary. Listen, Ernie. If you raise the white flag and give up now I'll let you sail in the America's Cup in 2009. Seriously. This isn't a joke, dude. Because everybody knows that I don't just win. I make everybody else lose. It's a little philosophy of mine. Just saying. You can do you whatever you want, Ernie. Okay? I just wanted you to know before we go to court.

Much love, Mercury News talking heads

Remember a couple weeks ago when Jack Davis at the Mercury News said I couldn't figure out what makes Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer tick? Well, today Chris O'Brien partially redeemed his partner in crime by linking to my blog and actually acknowledging that I wouldn't provide any comment on the crisis over at BEA Systems. The thing is, if he'd really taken the time to read my blog, he would have seen that I don't care about BEA Systems anymore. But that's a journalist for you. Chris may be a technology guy, but he's still a reporter at heart and he's steeped in journalist ethics and standards. Which basically just means that he's a closet Walter Lippmann reader who believes what he wants. But thanks for getting the story straight this time, Chris. Call me, girlfriend. We can talk about reinstating my subscriptions.

I have no idea how this happened

Check out this Oracle employee’s blog where he says that the people in his three-member team have the following titles: "Product Strategy Director," "Director, Applications Strategy," and "Senior Director, Product Strategy." At first I thought this was some kind of a joke. I really couldn’t believe it. Even Safra thought I was getting punked by some Salesforce.com employee. Because nobody working for Oracle could have titles like these -- especially not people working in the same team. I mean, come on. It sounds more like a Red Hat problem, right? They’re the ones with the organizational issues, not us. But then I checked in the database. Turns out this guy is right. There really are three people working in a three-member team with those titles.

So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do here. Right after I post this blog entry, I’m going to call Safra and tell her to assemble an independent committee to decide what to do next. Now I don’t know exactly what the committee will do, but chances are pretty good that they’ll want to hire an outside auditing firm to take care of the dirty work. The auditing firm will come in here and think, gee, we don’t want to touch this mess. So then they’ll probably subcontract with some other company. Those people will come in here and take a look around and tell us that it was a PeopleSoft mistake and it was like that before we purchased PeopleSoft. Which is actually what I believed all along, but we have to verify it. We need accountability, people. The individual who did this needs to be held responsible for his or her actions. We’ll find the person, don’t worry.

Just got back from Google this morning

The Google turds are hanging in there and going about their usual business despite all of the recent flak over this DoubleClick deal. I've got to tell you though, Eric and the founders are up in arms over articles like this one. They just don't understand why people are so hostile and resentful now. They know everybody use to love Google and its pretty campus complex and its wonderful employees and its food and its logo and its search engine. But now the tide has turned, and they're mad about that. But the thing Eric and the founders are most upset about is the Google blogs. They just aren't working. They aren't swaying public opinion like they used to. The Google blogosphere hasn't been the same since it called Michael Moore a big fat liar.

So they have a new strategy. They're going to fire up the Google jet and tour the world giving "Google Truthout Sessions." Dr. Eric will be talking all about how Google really is a good corporation. He'll also be handing out lots and lots of Google paraphernalia and giving kids free rides on the Google jet. And the Truthout Sessions will be sponsored by advertisers, of course. That's why I went to see the guys in the first place. Oracle is sponsoring the first ten sessions, and it will probably sponsor ten more depending on the attendance. We'll see how it turns out.

Report: Red Hat to gain more market share than OS/2 Warp

Let's hear it for these Red Hat guys. They think they're going to capture half of the server market by 2015. See here. They won't make it, of course, but I do appreciate the effort. And I'll tell you that this is really great news for us here at Oracle, because we're all about Linux. Seriously. Why do you think we released 11g for Linux first? We hate the Microturds even more than we hate the turds working on JBoss.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret here: Linus Torvalds is my homie. I take the dude and his little toy penguin up in the MiG sometimes. We buzz the Microsoft campus and talk about that movie called March of the Penguins and how he really wanted to be an extra but didn't get the part. And believe me when I say that Linus hates MySQL more than I do. He really does. And we're both mixed on Red Hat. He's leaning towards Ubuntu now and I'm about to jump ship for FreeBSD. But we're friends. Partners in arms, as we say on my boat.

Caption contest

Okay, so first I've got to tell you that my lawyers actually advised me against holding this contest. They said something about how traffic to my blog isn't high enough yet and people never leave comments or whatever. But you know how I listen to my lawyers. And anyway, I have faith in you people. I know you're going to come through for Larry and actually leave some captions in the comments. Believe me, you're going to have a field day with this one.

So here we have Bill Gates and J Allard at the Zune 2 launch ceremony today. In the Times article Gates said, "We are very pleased with the satisfaction we got. The satisfaction for the device was superhigh." Um, yeah. Not too sure about that, but I do have to admit that I'm a little disappointed they discontinued the brown Zune. Guess the "Like a Turd" jokes have to stop now, eh? Anyway, have at it, bros. Free fake Oracle 12g Database Alpha edition goes to the winners.

So Steve calls...

And he says he wants a raise. He says, you know what, Larry? I put this little podunk company on the map and what do I get? Fucking $1 a year, dude. That's how Apple's board of directors thanks me. That's how the stock holders thank me. And yes, I know I'm technically the CEO who received the most compensation in 2007, but it's not enough. It's still not enough, Larry. You know that, right? You're with me on this one. I know you are. I mean, I'm only like what, the 37th richest person in the world or something? Fuck that shit, dude. I want to be up there with you. I want to buy a little place in Woodside next to your house and have a buddhist temple in my backyard made out of gold where I can go and meditate and think about the next great thing. I'm thinking it will be the Newton reincarnated but I'm not sure yet. I'm really not. I've got to think about it more. So what do you think, man? How should I approach these guys and ask for a raise?

Crazy Steve. I just hope this iPhone bricking business blows over soon.

I hate to say it, but this is what happens when you put women in charge

It's true. Women were just never meant to be CEOs. All they do is frig things up and run companies into the ground. Just like Meg Whitman over at good old eBay. Her Skype deal went belly up and now she's looking for somebody to blame. Watch out, gents. The woman named best-dressed dyke for seven consecutive years and the two time Frumpy Woman award-winner is on the warpath. She's out for blood. Next step: Put Skype up on the eBay auction block. She wants to get rid of that thing while she still can, and who can blame her? The captains set sail on a ship named Joost a long time ago. But who would buy Skype? Microsoft? Facebook? Sun? Okay, maybe not Sun. But Facebook would probably be interested in turning it into a Facebook application or something.

UPDATE: Safra just emailed me. I'll post her message here for posterity. "Larry, you sexist chauvinistic pig. I hate your fucking guts. This is it. I mean it. I'm quiting Oracle right after the rest of my options vest next year. Take that, asshole."

“Salesforce is like the rent-to-own couch you had back in college, only anybody can sleep on it and you never actually own it.”

Sometimes I feel kind of sorry for Marc "the Abbie Hoffman of software" Benioff. The dude has a long twisted road ahead of him with this SaaS and Force.com stuff. Because here’s the thing. He isn’t just selling Salesforce.com products -- he’s selling an entire paradigm shift. He’s hitting the pavement and saying, "Look, you turds. We know you’re used to installing and using Microsoft Office from your PC. We also know you’re used to using stuff like Google Apps, Basecamp, and even Google Gears for free. But now you need to get used to using applications online and you need to get used to paying us for them." It’s a ridiculous concept. It really is. How would you like it if somebody said you were going to have to rent your shoes from now on? Or you were going to have to rent your wrist watch? It doesn’t make sense does it? The same is true with Salesforce products. And Force.com is even worse. I mean, be honest here. Are you really going to pay for a development platform when you can get literally dozens of superior development platforms for free? This isn’t the same as when Oracle was selling the relational database back in the '80s. This isn't a new product -- it’s a bundle of stuff that has been repackaged, rebranded, and offered in a new way. Same shit, people. So yes, I do feel a little sorry for Marc. But then I walk down to Oracle’s basement and see all those vaults full of gold and I remember that we won for a reason. The bottom line is that we’ve got better stuff and we know how to sell it. So take that, Marc. You little turd.

You know what we're doing with SAP and Salesforce, right?

Of course you do. So does Phil over at ZDNet. We're just going to kick back, pop the champagne, and watch these two butt heads for a while. They're going to fight over the scraps in the SaaS market while we land the big deals and sell the real thing. Because that's how this works, people. The software industry isn't going to operate like the fucking movie rental business. I don't care what Marc Benioff says. Software is just one of those things that people want to own. They want to have a physical copy of the application on their hard drive. They want to be able to back it up and start it by double clicking an icon. Don't ask me why they want it that way, but they do.

Sure, there's a fringe market for this type of stuff. Some people want to be on the cutting edge, and some admins are just plain lazy. Those are the people who go to SaaS. They're like the people who use Rhapsody instead of iTunes. They're convinced that Apple is stupid and evil, just like SAP and Salesforce customers are convinced that Oracle is stupid and evil. It's like 5% of the market. So go ahead, boys. Have at it. Be competitive. Drive each other into bankruptcy. If and when things get good in SaaS, NetSuite will be there to finish both of you off.

Shit for Brains has lost his marbles

Check out this article where Stevie B. tries to diss me but just winds up pulling an incoherent George W. Bush moment. Here’s what he told the Times Online: "I find it interesting and probably not that considered a decision to do what [Oracle have] done." Right. You know, as frigged up as this is, I think I get the gist of the article. SFB is upset that I get paid as much as I do and he thinks Oracle is making a mistake. But the article is probably a plea for help more than anything. Steve has gone nuts working out this Facebook deal and he knows he needs professional help and medication. He’s trying to seek help through the press. It’s like a secret message he’s sending to the medical community.

Listen, Steve. I just called some professionals up in Redmond and they concur. They can hear you, bro. Help is on the way. Just hold tight and they’ll be at your office soon.

Inside Oracle Chicago

Frank and I are finally back in Woodside after our week in Chicago. It was a totally awesome trip. Seriously. But I'll be honest with you: the best part was hitting the Oracle office on the 45th floor of the Sears tower. Those guys really have their shit together. Especially Nick Jensen, a young man who works in sales. Nick is straight out of college with an MBA, a 4.7 GPA, and a strong fraternity background. The guy isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, but he’s not all that stupid either. He knows that most of the people who buy Oracle products are complete nerds who have no social life. They’re the geeks and the outcasts who have been shunned and picked on all their whole lives. They’re the fat kids and the loners and the people who pick their noses in public. They don’t have girlfriends. In fact, most of them don’t have any friends at all. They need to be made to feel special.

That’s what Nick does -- he makes them feel special. Being the go-getter he is, he sets up a bunch of fun games and contests and stuff for our potential customers. These guys fly in from all over the US and have the time of their lives. Seriously. I was there. I saw it. The first thing Nick does is the gallon challenge. Anybody who wants to take a stab at getting a free Oracle software package complete with our databases and apps is welcome to drink one gallon of milk within an hour and hold it down for that hour. If you toss your cookies, you lose the free package and you have to pay 10% more for every Oracle product you buy. The stats are pretty good on that one. In fact, I think only one guy has ever been able to drink it all and hold it down for the full hour. So that’s a pretty fun game. And then everybody plays "Pin the Genitalia on the Honky." It’s a freebie game and kind of a strange twist on pin the tail on the donkey. Just put on the blindfold, pin the pecker on the fat naked IT guy who looks a lot like Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, and you’ll win big. That’s 5% off any one Oracle product. Yes, I know the game is strange and a little racist against Caucasians. But so far so good. There haven’t been any lawsuits or potential customers in tears. People just laugh their asses off and have a great time.

But the best game is saved for last. Goes like this. Nick sits everybody down in front of Linux boxes with full MySQL databases and tells them to delete exactly half the entries from every table. And then he tells them to do it again and again and again until every entry is gone. But they can’t do it. It’s impossible with MySQL. You just can’t delete every entry from the table when you can only delete half the entries.

Anyway, then Nick takes everybody out to a Cubs game and gets them nice and drunk and then they go out and party and get even more drunk and then they sign their contracts. Just kidding. They don’t really sign their contracts while they’re drunk. They sign in the morning before they leave at 6 AM. Trust me, most of them aren’t hung over. They really aren’t. And the important thing to remember here is that everybody has fun and everybody wins. We get money, they get great quality Oracle products, and Nick gets a sweet commission. And my hat’s off to Nick. Keep up the good work, bro.

Kevin Rose: Digg now worth at least $1 billion

This website valuation stuff is getting out of hand. Now TechTV darling Kevin Rose says his script kiddie website called Digg is worth a cool $1 billion. According to Rose, Screech says Facebook is worth $10-$15 billion so Digg must be worth at least $1 billion. Never mind the fact that half of Digg's "registered users" submit one or two articles and then never come back. And never mind the fact that the other half of the registered users -- the ones who actually do use Digg -- are males under the age of 9 who have no purchasing power whatsoever. Their balls haven't dropped and they digg anything with the words "pwn" or "digg" or "Kevin Rose" in the title. But the fact that they digg stuff like that is a good thing according to Kevin. The web is growing up and tastes are changing and people are evolving. Don't you know? It's a new media thing. That is, until CBS or Rupert buys Digg. Then it will be an old media thing.

UPDATE: Kevin just called and thanked me for the plug. He said he's going to digg my blog in the hopes that somebody with a fat wallet will see this entry and give him a ring. He also wanted me to say that he'll throw in Revision3 and Pownce for another $3 billion. Um, yeah.

MySQL AB to hold nerd auction

Inspired by the recent nerd auction held by the Linux Users Group at Washington State University, MySQL AB’s Marten Mickos has decided to hold an auction of his own. Zack Urlocker, Executive VP of Products, says that the auction will raise much-needed money for the open source company and boost programmer productivity. "Nerds need love, too," said a visibly emotional Urlocker. "When we saw the news about the guys at that LUG, we knew they had struck nerd payola. But we believe we’re better than those doofuses. They need haircuts and TLC. We already have haircuts. And we really think the girls are going to go gaga for our geeks. The girls can run queries on us. We now know how to replicate. And we can perform the all-powerful mysqldump." Urlocker said that MySQL AB has started circulating a photo (right) of MySQL employees with their shirts off and will be calling the auction MyNERD. Due to the complexity of the auction, next month’s event will be conducted on eBay with Oracle 11g databases.

Steve Jobs just fixed my iPhones

So by now I’m sure you’ve heard that we’ve lost our top lawyer Daniel Cooperman to Apple. If not, see here. I’m not sure how many of you know Dan, but let me tell you, the guy’s a miracle worker. He really is. The dude can walk on water and have the Microturd lawyers quaking in their boots faster than you can say "Windows Vista blows goats." Seriously. So I hate to see him go. But I had to give him to Steve. I just had to.

It all started yesterday when I updated my iPhones. You know how software updates go. You’ve got to have the latest and greatest. So I installed the updates from my MacBook Pro, but then none of my iPhones turned on. Except for one of them, which kept playing this little video of Steve manically laughing and screaming, “Fuck you, idiot. You think you’re so great? You think you can hack my shit? Fat chance, freak. You believed the freetards and now we’re going to screw you. Sucker.” And then more laughing, etc. Woo boy. I don’t think I’ve ever been so mad in my life. I called Steve up with my Blackberry and said, What the fuck? You think you can just break my iPhones? Huh? Do you? You turd. You think you’re going to diss me just because I wanted to use T-Mobile? Nuh uh, Steve. Not gonna work, bro. You’re going to fly out here to Chicago right now and fix this shit before I pull your Oracle databases for breaching our EULA. Maybe you don’t think you’ve breached our EULA, but trust me, you have. Even if you haven’t done anything wrong, Dan will find something and sue your fucking ass into the ground. We’ll make the people at the SEC look like kindergartners.

And then Steve says, Okay Larry, okay. I’ll do it. I’ll fix your iPhones. But I need something in return, okay? I need Dan. I really need him, Larry. I know you don’t understand what I’m going through right now with the SEC. Nobody can. But it’s bad, Larry. So help a brother out, would you? And sure, then I’ll fix your iPhones.

So he flew some Apple technician out here and now the things are working again. Finally. You’ll never believe how easy it is to unlock them. You just pop in your SIM card, reboot the thing, and hold 13 fingers on the touchpad. Then you type in a secret code and select the service. That’s it. Even the voice mail works.

Does Mark Zuckerberg look like Screech or what?

So I'm sitting here reading these articles about Facebook and I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, Zuckerberg looks like that turd from Saved by the Bell. You know, that weird guy named Screech. (See resemblance above.) And actually, now that I think about it, they have more in common than just physical appearance. They both have $2,000 curly hair cuts that make it look like they just rolled out of bed. They both dress like people from the late '80s. They both have problems meeting and interacting with women. And neither one of them knows when to stop. In fact, I guess the only thing they don't have in common is shooting pornos. The real life Screech is the Dirty Sanchez expert. I don't think Zuckerberg has gone there yet, but you never know. The nut doesn't fall far from the tree as they say in Chicago.

People are getting tired of IBM

See here. One of these Union 2.0 organizations actually had the nerve to picket IBM. In Second Life. With avatars and virtual protest signs. Which is really great, because for the longest time now IBM has been like that rich old dude who has Alzheimer's. They're a scary corporation. They really are. They give money to everybody, but they don't know what they're doing or who they are. And nobody has had the balls to pick on them. Until now. Their own employees have taken to the virtual streets to throw virtual Molotov cocktails at IBM's virtual headquarters in a virtual world. Not sure how much good that's going to do them, but I say good on them. Next step is to create a Facebook application that lets you throw cream pies at Big Blue employees. Trust me, that'll just kill IBM management.

A reader asks...

"Can you please explain your posting 'I'm sponsoring a sorority'? I'm confused about where this is coming from. I understand it's all 'fake news' or something, but all of your other postings reference software and tech. companies (and the real Larry Ellison and Oracle)."

First let me just say this. At times like these, I really wish my mail server used MySQL so random messages like this would get deleted. Which is to say that I never actually want to see email messages like this. In fact, getting messages like this is a little like getting the Christmas card from Marc Benioff every year. I want all of them buried at the bottom of the Chesapeake.

But since the message did come through, I feel compelled to respond.

So friends, this is my answer to my dear reader. Life is not all about work. It is also not all about following trends in technology, high-tech companies, or even techno-guru big-wigs like Shit for Brains. It's about life itself, and the very essence of living. It's about feeling the silk of a girl's thigh and appreciating fine wines and sailing through gale force winds not knowing whether you'll live or die. Yes, technology is fun. Yes, it's important to win and kick Microsoft's ass. But that's not all there is to life. As that hack John Lennon said, life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Just remember that the next time you want to email me and rag on my blog, okay?

A bit of advice, Szulik

I was impressed yesterday, Matt. Seriously. Red Hat's numbers turned out pretty well, and I see some potential for future growth. That's the good news. The bad news is that there's a lot of bad news. First of all, pretty much everybody views Red Hat as the Microsoft of the Linux world. Face it, bro. You went from darling to Darth Vader in like eight years. You lost the marketing war. How did it happen? Well, you started taking things away from people and you stopped being cool. That's the funny thing about people, Szulik. They don't really appreciate it when you take things away from them. Fedora sucks ass, and everybody knows it. Maybe you don't care about that. The problem is that lots of little teenage turd droppers love Ubuntu. They've never even heard about Red Hat, Matt. So you've got a bunch of Slashdot admin types -- the ones who are hopelessly behind the times and still think grep will solve all their problems -- using Red Hat. And the new people are all using Ubuntu. What do you think is going to happen? You're going to get broadsided by Ubuntu. When that happens, Canonical will pick up the enterprise support and you'll be fucked.

And then there's JBoss. Honestly, you never should have bought it. We knew that years ago. You didn't. And it's all working out exactly the way we thought it would. Get rid of it. JBoss will never make money. People can get Tomcat for free and it works better anyway.

Which brings me to the economy. I'm still not even convinced that this subscription thing is going to work. If things take a turn for the worst, all of your star subscribers are going to make their lazy admins get off their fat asses and actually do some work. You think it can't happen, but it can. I've seen it.

To tell you the truth, I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. I know you won't read it. Nobody listens to Larry. Ah, well. After Red Hat kicks the bucket, we'll start doing Red Hat support ourselves. Somebody's got to carry the torch, right? It might as well be Oracle.

I'm sponsoring a sorority

There comes a time in the life of every individual and institution where help is desperately needed. Maybe a loved one has died. Maybe the stock price has tanked. Or maybe funding is not available for your sorority, as is the case for the Alpha Chi Omega chapter at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. That's why I'm sponsoring these young women at my alma mater starting today. I have lots of good memories associated with their chapter, and when I heard they were about to close it, I knew had to do something. I had to act. I mean, you can't just let cultural icons and societal staples like this fade away. The fact that this Alpha Chi Omega chapter was about to run out of money is just more proof that America is allowing nihilism and a degradation of values to creep into the very fabric of our civilization. I'm really worried about us.

Anyway, I wrote them a check and Frank installed Oracle on all of their computers and they were very appreciative. Before we drove off, they gave us their phone numbers and told us to call if we needed anything. Frank, being the perv he is, said he would probably take them up on it.

Shit for Brains wants a piece of Facebook

And he wants it bad. See here. He keeps calling Zuckerberg every hour, on the hour, and tacking a million dollars onto his bid for 5% of Facebook every time he calls. A reputable source told me this morning that Shit for Brains is not handling the stress well. Apparently he's gone off the deep end and is really, really freaking the Microturds out. He's graduated from throwing chairs to throwing desks. He also lets his tongue hang out of his mouth in meetings now, and he doesn't eat anything except Sloppy Joes and Frito pies in the cafeteria. And for some reason he keeps saying that Novell is going to beat Microsoft to the Facebook investment punch.

Look, this is what happens when you get Google-envy. I warned him. I said, Steve, don't buy stuff just because you think Google might be looking at it. You'll go insane. And he just laughed and said, oh yeah Larry, whatever. But did he listen to me? Did he even stop to think about what could happen to him and Microsoft? No, he did not. And now he's all panicked and shit. He's gone into fight or flight mode and he's going to do something stupid. I just know it. That's Shit for Brains for you, though.

Honestly, Zuckerberg is the real wild card at this point. Like a virgin who flirts with everybody and knows she's going to have to give it up someday soon, Zuckerburg is waiting for the perfect conditions and the right price. He wants the biggest bang for his bling. But believe me, this guy doesn't care who he sells out to. He's just in it for the girls and the press right now. But that period passes. You can only bang so many girls and be on so many magazine covers before the shit gets old. He's almost at the point where he just wants to get his money and get out. But he's being careful about it.

Naturally, we're taking advantage of the situation. We got one of our guys to talk about how Facebook is worth a lot more than SFB thinks it is and give a lot of crazy optical illusion examples to prove it. We even got him to put this at the bottom of his blog: "Disclaimer: All opinions expressed here are personal opinions of the author(s) and do not reflect opinions of Oracle or any other person/organziation." Listen, the dude's legit. You have my word. And you can quote him on the price he came up with for Facebook. Really.

Wish you were here

It's a warm day in Chicago. That's why Frank and I beat it on over to White Castle when the gynecologist convention went on lunch break. We cooled down with a few burgers and Cokes. A lot of people don't know this, but White Castle is the oldest hamburger chain in the world, and by God, I've missed this place for a long time. Seriously. I can't even begin to tell you what it's like to stack three of those little burgers on top of each other and then stuff them all into your mouth at once. Indescribable. Frank can do six at once. He calls it "The Tower of Power." Says he has some kind of vision about the new Oracle 12g database when he gets them all into his mouth. That's Frank for you, though. Always trying to one-up everybody. I will tell you this. The dude should have been a gynecologist. He's really knows his stuff -- he's just cut out for the work.

Marten Mickos wins third place in China Technology Innovation Competition

More big news to report from China today. Marten Mickos, MySQL AB's fearless leader, announced that MySQL took third place in some Chinese technology competition. Not for winning on any technological basis, of course. Everybody knows that MySQL isn't superior to any other database out there. They won on the basis of their hiring practices. See here. According to Zack Urlocker, Executive VP of Products, MySQL AB "may not have all the perks offered by big companies, but at the end of the day, developers know they are working on something important and they can do it from their home rather than relocating to Silicon Valley." Um, yeah. Not quite sure what to say to that, except that if it made sense to the people in China, it'll probably make sense to somebody somewhere here in the States. We have a lot of turds here who want to work from home. Just look at Bill Gates.

MySQL AB is the new Valleywag

Only two months after Valleywag lost the race to find Fake Steve Jobs, lost ninety-eight percent of its returning visitors, and filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, who steps into the blazed path but a two-bit company called MySQL AB. That's right, people. Marten Mickos is trying to find Fake Larry, and he's holding a poll this week to help discover my true identity. See here. So head on over and cast your vote. Just remember that your vote might not count. Because MySQL AB uses MySQL databases, and MySQL databases sometimes lose data, they might, well, inadvertently lose your vote. But what the hell, right?

Hot on the heels of Russia, Dell rolls into China

The fun just doesn't stop in Round Rock. Now Michael "shoot from the hip" Dell has decided that it's a good idea to start selling his black boxes in China. See here. To commemorate the occasion, Dell announced that his company will be rolling out a special desktop for the mainland. It's called the C-DELL3025783256721. The C-DELL part stands for Dell in China, of course, and 3025783256721 is the model number. Michael packed some amazing features into this box, people. Check it out. The desktop has a special generator built in to help the Chinese mitigate the rolling blackouts that currently plague the nation. The box even ships with a little gasoline to get customers started. The C-DELL3025783256721 also ships with special versions of Windows XP and Ubuntu. According to Michael, the special OS versions aren't exactly doctored, but they do have nice features built in for Chinese law enforcement personnel. The "features" are classified, of course. If Dell told us exactly what the features were they'd have to come and kill us. Otherwise they would be banned from selling Dells on the mainland. Despite all of this, Michael apparently feels confident that China will put his ailing company back on the map. He even went as far as to say in a written statement that, "The Chinese will flock to us like fruit flies to rotting apples." Roger that one, Michael.

We're in the Windy City

Well, here we are, chilling pool-side at The Peninsula Chicago. Frank's in a speedo right now checking out the ladies, and I'm in one of my suits blogging on a beach chair. You should see this one girl in the pool. I swear she's like 17 years old. She has these huge all natural jugs and she's been doing the backstroke for the past hour or so in a bikini that looks like it's about to fall off. Life is good, bros. Seriously. Anyway, we got into Chicago about 4 PM this afternoon, and let me tell you, it was amazing flying over the city and coming through the clouds. (See picture taken with iPhone above.) There's only one thing that could have made the trip better, and that's landing the MiG at Meigs Field. Of course, that little airstrip was illegally demolished years ago courtesy of Richard M. Daley, Chicago mayor and butthead for life. It's getting me all riled up just thinking about it now. But I'm not going to let it get to me. I'm just going to take a sip of my Pinot Noir and watch the 17 year old swim for a while longer.

Red Hat shareholders head for the hills

Big news today from CNET: Credit Suisse is downgrading Red Hat's stock from Outperform to Neutral. See here. Why? According to Credit Suisse, "Our checks indicate that the organization continues to be in a state of flux as the company works through its transition to a multi-product company." That's a polite way of saying that Red Hat's JBoss integration has failed miserably, its organizational structure is so fucked up that nobody can tell who's supposed to be doing what, and its subscription model could possibly be failing. Minor problems, admittedly. But still enough to shake people's faith in the world's greatest open source software company. Strangely enough, CNET recommends that Red Hat let JBoss do its own thing, "similar to how Oracle has managed its acquisitions, to good effect." Um, yeah. 'Nuff said.

I canceled my subscription to the Mercury News

These Mercury News turds (above) pushed my buttons for the last time this weekend. See here. Article is called "Steve Ballmer’s motivation a mystery to Larry Ellison." The gist is that Shit for Brains is underpaid and I'm overpaid. According to them, SFB is great for Microsoft and he's a kind soul for not wanting to be paid very much. And they don't understand why I can't be like SFB. Like, gee, Larry Ellison is such an SOB for wanting to get paid for working.

Well guess what, buttheads? I'm canceling my subscription to your pathetic little rag of a newspaper. Oracle's not going to get it anymore either. And I wiped my ass with it this weekend and flushed it down the toilet.

And I've got a little news flash for you. Whatever Shit for Brains is getting paid is too much. Way too much. The dude has taken the wind out of Microsoft's sails. He's sucked so much life and money out of the company that it's just a shell of its former self. It's not even a monopoly anymore. I mean, let's face it. You know you have a problem when people would rather use Ubuntu than Vista. That's just sad. So no, he's not underpaid. In fact, if anything he should be paying Microsoft to work there.

TGIM

I never thought I'd say this, but I am really, really happy it's Monday. After two days of non-stop partying on the boat, I'm ready to get back to reality. And my poor boat. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff I found lying on the deck. Or maybe you would. Anyway, I caught up with Frank Chu yesterday and the dude wants to fly to Chicago this week for some national gynecologist convention. So we're going. I'm game for something like that. You can never learn too much, friends. There's this guy down in marketing who has this professional identification card machine, and I got to thinking about it. Like, maybe Frank and I could pretend to be gynecologists. So I pointed my IT security people towards the Blue Cross and Blue Shield databases and told them to get in there and get some names for our fake gynecologist ID cards. Three hours and a couple ID cards later, I'm Dr. Victor Vanderslice, and Frank is Dr. Thomas Pain. We leave as soon as Frank stops tripping out on shrooms. Wouldn't want that dude getting panicked and pulling the ejection lever in the MiG.

InformationWeek thinks they’ve reverse engineered me on this SaaS thing

So let me get this straight. SaaS is now a great buy just because I don’t think anybody can make money selling it? Hell yes, according to InformationWeek. See here. Mary Hayes Weier says, "If Ellison's observation isn't a red flag to CIOs, than I don't know what is." This makes a lot of sense. It really does. And it tells us that Mary was one of those girls who got her belly button pierced after her daddy told her not to. She’s also the type of person who speeds to work in the morning because the highway signs tell her not to. Because if somebody tells you that something shouldn’t be done, they must be trying to pull one over you, right? Makes sense to me.

And here’s something else that makes sense to me. Anybody who visits a blog called "CIOs Uncensored" should purchase their goods from Salesforce.com. Seriously. We don’t want you as an Oracle customer.

It's official: SAP belly flopped

So says InternetNews.com in a new article. See here. According to them, "SAP on Thursday got immediate and what can only be called less-than-enthusiastic feedback from the very people it most hoped to please." Yeah. That's an understatement if I've ever heard one. Look, people around Oracle are calling Business ByDesign the new Zune. It's painful to look at, impossible to use, and more expensive than the stuff you should really be buying. And then there's that quote from Bruce Francis, Salesforce.com's vice president of corporate strategy. "I feel like sending Henning Kagermann a fruit basket today," he said. "This is a fantastic thing. What SAP is doing is confusing their customer base and opening minds and markets for the SaaS model."

Right on, Bruce. I'm right there with you, bro. What SAP is doing is kind of like what Salesforce.com is doing with Force.com. That's why I sent you that fruitcake a couple days ago. Hope you enjoyed that, by the way.

You know I hate to toot my horn

But you've just got to see some of today's articles about Oracle. Like this one where Forbes says that "critics said [Larry Ellison] would turn his database company into a hideous-- and expensive-- Frankenstein of a corporation. But, it seems like Ellison will get the last laugh." Um, yeah. Not quite sure what to say to that. Was there ever any doubt whether I'd get the last laugh? No, there was not. And then there's the Goldman Sachs analyst quoted in Business Week who says, "It's a 'wow' result." And a Jefferies & Co. analyst says it was a "bang-up first quarter." Of course it was. And you're welcome. I know Oracle just saved America's ailing economy. Don't mention it. It's my little gift to you guys.

We're having a candlelight vigil for Steve tonight

By now I'm sure you've heard how the SEC is trying to trap Steve by subpoenaing him in the case against former Apple general counsel Nancy Heinen. See here. The feds are up to their usual dirty tricks. They even sent a good cop/bad cop team to Apple yesterday to try to rough Steve up. They said, "Hey Stevie, if you don't want to go to jail right away, you're going to have to go on record and say you didn't do something we know you did. If you do that you're going to jail. And if you don't do that you're going to jail. Pick your poison. But it ain't so bad in prison, bud. We'll give you a breadboard and a soldering iron if you cooperate. You can still make great things like iPods. You will, unfortunately, have to sign away the rights to your intellectual property, so we'll own whatever you make. But you can still make it, and that's what counts, right? Now just tell us the truth."

It's scary stuff, I tell you. I've been humbled by it. It's almost enough to make me not want to cash in my Oracle options. Almost.

Anyway, to show our support for the world's greatest visionary of all time, we're having a candlelight vigil for Steve tonight. We're all going to meet at the Apple Campus at 7 PM. Oh, and it's not really a "candlelight" vigil. It's more like an iPhone and iPod light vigil. So don't bring candles, okay? This isn't a Metallica concert. Bring your iPhones. Bring your iPods. Bring your MacBooks and MacBooks Pros. Bring them all and turn them on. Shine them towards the heavens and light up the night. Let's show the SEC that we're not going to take any more of their regulatory shit.

If you don't have an iPhone or an iPod or a MacBook or a MacBook Pro, don't come. You're no friend of Steve's and you're no friend of mine either. Stay at home, you Ubuntu turds. I'm warning you. I mean it. We're going to have Spot The Ubuntu Turd contests. The winners will get "Free Cupertino" t-shirts.

So get off Facebook, friends, and stop talking on your iPhones. Get out tonight and show solidarity with Steve. Be an activist, not an apathist. See you there.

Michael Dell, history buff

The dude's a genius. Seriously. Where Napoleon, Adolf Hitler, and the Swedish Empire have failed, Mr. Dell will win. That's why he's invading Russia this winter and opening a new Dell store in Moscow next month. See here. Gist of the story is this: Since Russia has 28 million Internet users, Dell can sell a lot of boxes there. Probably loaded with Ubuntu and bootleg copies of Windows XP. Believe it or not, Ubuntu is very popular in Russia. So Dell's a perfect fit. I mean, when you put a cheap operating system on a cheap computer and sell it in a country where people make like $9 per month, you're guaranteed to make bank, right? Bloodly brilliant, I tell you. Next up on the Dell Retail Store rollout list are Afghanistan and Kenya. Those countries don't have millions of Internet users, but they do have a lot of mules. So people may not be able to get online, but at least they'll be able to get their fancy new Dells home. I know what you're thinking. Yes, it's crazy. Yes, Michael Dell has taken one too many hits on the Ubuntu crack pipe. But the strategy is bound to work at least as well as the Wal-Mart thing, right? Eh. Okay, maybe not.

Listen, if somebody asked me what I'd do if I was the CEO of Dell, I'd tell them I'd shut it down and give the money back to the shareholders. Seriously. Because this Russia thing is not looking good for those poor shareholders. Give it six, maybe eight months. Dell will be out of Russia after winter. Just wait and see.

That's how we roll

The financial flakes said we couldn't do it. They said buying into applications was a mistake that would never pay off. And man were they were wrong. It just goes to show that analysts know very little of anything. Suckers. We blew out our numbers and blew their business socks off. I mean, check out the stats. Profit up twenty five percent. $4.53 billion in revenue. And applications and Middleware sales through the roof. What else could you possibly want? What's that? A BEA Systems buyout, an IBM knockout, and another kickass quarter? It'll happen, bros. Patience. All of it except the BEA Systems buyout. I really hate that little turd of a company.

It's go time

This is it, bros. Time to announce the quarterly results. And you know what's going to happen, don't you? Of course you do. I'm going to bring home the bacon. I'm going to get this party started and raise the fucking roof. Maybe. Or maybe not. No forward-looking statements, friends. Yes, I know it sucks, but it's the law. I will tell you this one thing though. After partying the night before a big conference call, you really need to kick back, close your eyes, picture lonelygirl15 in her underwear, and sip a cup of Starbucks with some aspirin and a polish hot dog from Costco. The hangover will melt away, the ecstasy trip will end, and you'll be ready to kick ass. Let's do this thing, boys.

We're rocking the boat early this week

You probably know that Oracle is releasing its quarterly results tomorrow. And believe me, I really want to tell you how we did this quarter. But I can't. At least not yet. What I can tell you is that we're already throwing a bunch of big ass parties on my boats. You probably won't believe this, but right now I'm totally being crowd surfed up to the top deck of the Rising Sun, Macbook Pro and all. Most of Oracle's employees are out here, and have been for most of the day. See video footage taken earlier in the day above. But, anyway. This rock the Oracle boat thing is kind of an annual event. In good years we party hard and have a lot of fun. In bad years we make the losers among us walk the plank. But this year we have something really special. I had a bunch of custom pinatas made. They're really incredible. Some look like Marten Mickos, some look like red hats, and a few even look like Shit for Brains. Everybody gets to take a whack. So party hardy, friends. Let's do this thing.

"Business ByDesign is like, uh, you know. One of those thingamajigs. Kinda like the one Salesforce.com has."

So this is it. After months of wondering and waiting and reading articles that claimed A1S would fly us to the moon and back, Henning gives us this. Yet another complicated, one-size-fits-all, subscription-based package for small and medium-size businesses. What a downer. Jesus. SAP might as well called its announcement "Nap Time" or something. The reporters were nodding off, and you know it's bad when that happens. Even the valley girls over at Business Week knew what to make of it. According to them, "SAP's approach could present opportunities for competitors, including Oracle." Um, yeah. You think? Listen, SAP is like one of those oil tankers that takes 3 miles to turn a tiny bit to the right. If they make a wrong move or turn too late in the game, they're fucked. And that's what happened today. They just screwed themselves over, big time.

Microsoft is getting dirty

Special thanks to the reader who sent in this breaking news story from Mary Jo "I love Microsoft" Foley. According to the article, "Microsoft execs also announced that, starting today, customers who migrate from Oracle to SQL Server will get a 50 percent discount on the price of SQL Server Enterprise Edition or 25 percent off the price of Standard Edition." In other words, Shit for Brains wants to mud wrestle with me. Like the fat kid in elementary school who gets picked on one too many times, SFB has stripped down to his tighty whities, waded into the muck, and called me out. He wants to prove himself, and he's out for blood. Thing is, I don't need to fight the guy. Oracle has better shit that runs on every operating system, not just Windows. So go fight somebody your own size, Steve. Maybe, um, Sybase. Yeah. They'll probably take the bait.

I visited Gizmodo this afternoon

Didn't see much in the way of news, but I did stumble upon this advertisement. I think it could function as a metaphor for the entire website. What do you think? Anyway, I just bought a couple of these Washlet things for my house. You never know when you'll need to wash your buttcheeks, right? And to tell you the truth I'm getting a little tired of buying that special toilet paper with the Microsoft logo printed on every square.