Hot on the heels of Russia, Dell rolls into China

The fun just doesn't stop in Round Rock. Now Michael "shoot from the hip" Dell has decided that it's a good idea to start selling his black boxes in China. See here. To commemorate the occasion, Dell announced that his company will be rolling out a special desktop for the mainland. It's called the C-DELL3025783256721. The C-DELL part stands for Dell in China, of course, and 3025783256721 is the model number. Michael packed some amazing features into this box, people. Check it out. The desktop has a special generator built in to help the Chinese mitigate the rolling blackouts that currently plague the nation. The box even ships with a little gasoline to get customers started. The C-DELL3025783256721 also ships with special versions of Windows XP and Ubuntu. According to Michael, the special OS versions aren't exactly doctored, but they do have nice features built in for Chinese law enforcement personnel. The "features" are classified, of course. If Dell told us exactly what the features were they'd have to come and kill us. Otherwise they would be banned from selling Dells on the mainland. Despite all of this, Michael apparently feels confident that China will put his ailing company back on the map. He even went as far as to say in a written statement that, "The Chinese will flock to us like fruit flies to rotting apples." Roger that one, Michael.

Michael Dell, history buff

The dude's a genius. Seriously. Where Napoleon, Adolf Hitler, and the Swedish Empire have failed, Mr. Dell will win. That's why he's invading Russia this winter and opening a new Dell store in Moscow next month. See here. Gist of the story is this: Since Russia has 28 million Internet users, Dell can sell a lot of boxes there. Probably loaded with Ubuntu and bootleg copies of Windows XP. Believe it or not, Ubuntu is very popular in Russia. So Dell's a perfect fit. I mean, when you put a cheap operating system on a cheap computer and sell it in a country where people make like $9 per month, you're guaranteed to make bank, right? Bloodly brilliant, I tell you. Next up on the Dell Retail Store rollout list are Afghanistan and Kenya. Those countries don't have millions of Internet users, but they do have a lot of mules. So people may not be able to get online, but at least they'll be able to get their fancy new Dells home. I know what you're thinking. Yes, it's crazy. Yes, Michael Dell has taken one too many hits on the Ubuntu crack pipe. But the strategy is bound to work at least as well as the Wal-Mart thing, right? Eh. Okay, maybe not.

Listen, if somebody asked me what I'd do if I was the CEO of Dell, I'd tell them I'd shut it down and give the money back to the shareholders. Seriously. Because this Russia thing is not looking good for those poor shareholders. Give it six, maybe eight months. Dell will be out of Russia after winter. Just wait and see.