I have returned from the wilderness

Friends, I'm sorry about the lack of updates last week. I mean, I know this is a professional blog. And I also know a lot of stuff has gone down at Oracle over the last seven days. But let me tell you, last week was a totally crazy week for me personally. Man oh man. First there was the Oakland aerobatics show on Monday. Now, I'm not sure how many of you have flown a little prop plane 10 feet above the ground while stoned and drunk, but it really puts life and all of its challenges into perspective for you. There's nothing quite like playing chicken with telephone poles in a plane flying over four hundred miles per hour. And then on Tuesday, Steve came over to my house and we trimmed bonsai marijuana plants together and smoked a couple of joints and listened to Neil Young. Then I spent the rest of the week on my boat staring at the ocean and doing some soul searching. And you know what? I finally decided that I should have spent the week working at Oracle. Because honestly, I knew all along that it was just one of those weeks where I should have stayed home and taken care of little things, like firing John Wookey and closing the BEA Systems deal. Ah, well. As my hero Winston Churchill once said: never apologize, never explain.

Friends, forgive me

You woke up this morning and saw the news about our bid for BEA Systems and you thought, what the fuck? Larry lied to us a couple weeks ago when he said he didn't care about those Beaturds. He tricked us, didn't he? Well, yes. And friends, I know what you're thinking right now. Listen, I'm sorry about misleading you. Just believe me when I say that I really want to tell you what we're doing with BEA Systems. But all I can say right now is that I can't say much. It's just one of those things. So have a good weekend and try not to toilet paper my house or egg my Karmann Ghia, okay?

I have no idea how this happened

Check out this Oracle employee’s blog where he says that the people in his three-member team have the following titles: "Product Strategy Director," "Director, Applications Strategy," and "Senior Director, Product Strategy." At first I thought this was some kind of a joke. I really couldn’t believe it. Even Safra thought I was getting punked by some Salesforce.com employee. Because nobody working for Oracle could have titles like these -- especially not people working in the same team. I mean, come on. It sounds more like a Red Hat problem, right? They’re the ones with the organizational issues, not us. But then I checked in the database. Turns out this guy is right. There really are three people working in a three-member team with those titles.

So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do here. Right after I post this blog entry, I’m going to call Safra and tell her to assemble an independent committee to decide what to do next. Now I don’t know exactly what the committee will do, but chances are pretty good that they’ll want to hire an outside auditing firm to take care of the dirty work. The auditing firm will come in here and think, gee, we don’t want to touch this mess. So then they’ll probably subcontract with some other company. Those people will come in here and take a look around and tell us that it was a PeopleSoft mistake and it was like that before we purchased PeopleSoft. Which is actually what I believed all along, but we have to verify it. We need accountability, people. The individual who did this needs to be held responsible for his or her actions. We’ll find the person, don’t worry.

Inside Oracle Chicago

Frank and I are finally back in Woodside after our week in Chicago. It was a totally awesome trip. Seriously. But I'll be honest with you: the best part was hitting the Oracle office on the 45th floor of the Sears tower. Those guys really have their shit together. Especially Nick Jensen, a young man who works in sales. Nick is straight out of college with an MBA, a 4.7 GPA, and a strong fraternity background. The guy isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, but he’s not all that stupid either. He knows that most of the people who buy Oracle products are complete nerds who have no social life. They’re the geeks and the outcasts who have been shunned and picked on all their whole lives. They’re the fat kids and the loners and the people who pick their noses in public. They don’t have girlfriends. In fact, most of them don’t have any friends at all. They need to be made to feel special.

That’s what Nick does -- he makes them feel special. Being the go-getter he is, he sets up a bunch of fun games and contests and stuff for our potential customers. These guys fly in from all over the US and have the time of their lives. Seriously. I was there. I saw it. The first thing Nick does is the gallon challenge. Anybody who wants to take a stab at getting a free Oracle software package complete with our databases and apps is welcome to drink one gallon of milk within an hour and hold it down for that hour. If you toss your cookies, you lose the free package and you have to pay 10% more for every Oracle product you buy. The stats are pretty good on that one. In fact, I think only one guy has ever been able to drink it all and hold it down for the full hour. So that’s a pretty fun game. And then everybody plays "Pin the Genitalia on the Honky." It’s a freebie game and kind of a strange twist on pin the tail on the donkey. Just put on the blindfold, pin the pecker on the fat naked IT guy who looks a lot like Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, and you’ll win big. That’s 5% off any one Oracle product. Yes, I know the game is strange and a little racist against Caucasians. But so far so good. There haven’t been any lawsuits or potential customers in tears. People just laugh their asses off and have a great time.

But the best game is saved for last. Goes like this. Nick sits everybody down in front of Linux boxes with full MySQL databases and tells them to delete exactly half the entries from every table. And then he tells them to do it again and again and again until every entry is gone. But they can’t do it. It’s impossible with MySQL. You just can’t delete every entry from the table when you can only delete half the entries.

Anyway, then Nick takes everybody out to a Cubs game and gets them nice and drunk and then they go out and party and get even more drunk and then they sign their contracts. Just kidding. They don’t really sign their contracts while they’re drunk. They sign in the morning before they leave at 6 AM. Trust me, most of them aren’t hung over. They really aren’t. And the important thing to remember here is that everybody has fun and everybody wins. We get money, they get great quality Oracle products, and Nick gets a sweet commission. And my hat’s off to Nick. Keep up the good work, bro.

You know I hate to toot my horn

But you've just got to see some of today's articles about Oracle. Like this one where Forbes says that "critics said [Larry Ellison] would turn his database company into a hideous-- and expensive-- Frankenstein of a corporation. But, it seems like Ellison will get the last laugh." Um, yeah. Not quite sure what to say to that. Was there ever any doubt whether I'd get the last laugh? No, there was not. And then there's the Goldman Sachs analyst quoted in Business Week who says, "It's a 'wow' result." And a Jefferies & Co. analyst says it was a "bang-up first quarter." Of course it was. And you're welcome. I know Oracle just saved America's ailing economy. Don't mention it. It's my little gift to you guys.

That's how we roll

The financial flakes said we couldn't do it. They said buying into applications was a mistake that would never pay off. And man were they were wrong. It just goes to show that analysts know very little of anything. Suckers. We blew out our numbers and blew their business socks off. I mean, check out the stats. Profit up twenty five percent. $4.53 billion in revenue. And applications and Middleware sales through the roof. What else could you possibly want? What's that? A BEA Systems buyout, an IBM knockout, and another kickass quarter? It'll happen, bros. Patience. All of it except the BEA Systems buyout. I really hate that little turd of a company.

It's go time

This is it, bros. Time to announce the quarterly results. And you know what's going to happen, don't you? Of course you do. I'm going to bring home the bacon. I'm going to get this party started and raise the fucking roof. Maybe. Or maybe not. No forward-looking statements, friends. Yes, I know it sucks, but it's the law. I will tell you this one thing though. After partying the night before a big conference call, you really need to kick back, close your eyes, picture lonelygirl15 in her underwear, and sip a cup of Starbucks with some aspirin and a polish hot dog from Costco. The hangover will melt away, the ecstasy trip will end, and you'll be ready to kick ass. Let's do this thing, boys.

We're rocking the boat early this week

You probably know that Oracle is releasing its quarterly results tomorrow. And believe me, I really want to tell you how we did this quarter. But I can't. At least not yet. What I can tell you is that we're already throwing a bunch of big ass parties on my boats. You probably won't believe this, but right now I'm totally being crowd surfed up to the top deck of the Rising Sun, Macbook Pro and all. Most of Oracle's employees are out here, and have been for most of the day. See video footage taken earlier in the day above. But, anyway. This rock the Oracle boat thing is kind of an annual event. In good years we party hard and have a lot of fun. In bad years we make the losers among us walk the plank. But this year we have something really special. I had a bunch of custom pinatas made. They're really incredible. Some look like Marten Mickos, some look like red hats, and a few even look like Shit for Brains. Everybody gets to take a whack. So party hardy, friends. Let's do this thing.

Whatever happened to BEA Systems?

So, hypothetical situation: You're sitting with Safra, talking about tomorrow's conference call with Oracle investors. What company names are you going to drop? Who are you going to make sound like shit? Who are you going to buy out in the next few months? And you come up with a couple names. Red Hat. MySQL. Salesforce.com. SAP. Microsoft. Sun Microsystems. Okay, maybe not Sun. And then you realize, whoa. Holy smokes. BEA Systems isn't on your list. And why is that?

They were doing so well, and they still kind of are, but they've lost something. Yes. They've lost their virginity and the light has gone out of their eyes and they're just not fun anymore. They've burned out and washed up. And you just don't care about them. You really don't. You don't want to buy them or talk about them or even hear about them anymore. And you also know that you can't make any forward-looking statements, so you just talk about all of this hypothetically and keep it to yourself.

Safra says that companies are like flowers: they bloom only once. She says there are a lot of one-hit wonders out there who do one thing and then never do anything else. And she says BEA Systems is one of those companies.

Food for thought, bros.

I swear I didn't know this was coming out today

Okay, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, gee Larry, isn't it strange that you release something called Oracle SQL Developer Migration Workbench which helps people move their MySQL and Microsoft databases into your new 11g database on the same day Microsoft gets hammered for being a monopoly? And don't you want people to go, "Holy shit! I fucking keep my databases in software made by a monopoly? I need to get out of this crap and into Oracle ASAP."

Well, no. I mean, of course we'd like people to make the right decision and use our superior products. But if they don't want to, that's their choice. We're not using the news to influence them. Seriously. Anyway, Safra sets all of the release dates. And I know for a fact she would never do something this underhanded.

LAN party at Oracle last night

What do you call a LAN party where women flash for frags, the Kegs never run dry, and three circuit breakers blow at the same time? You call it a success, that's what. It all happened at the Oracle LAN party last night. At one point there were over 500 guys there. We had a strict dress code for the women -- nobody got in if they were wearing more than a toga or a two-piece bathing suit. Sure it was sexist, but Safra said it wasn't a problem since it was after hours and by invitation only. And the women weren't even the best part. The best part was that I won every single game of Command and Conquer 3. Yes, my personal engineers rigged the game so that I would win, but I was still kicking ass. Seriously. Ask anybody who was there.

You know you want to hit this

Check this out. The Oracle Apps people are planning on hosting a Lunch 2.0 shindig at the ranch on October 22. Great idea, right? That's why I'm taking over and the planning the entire event personally. I mean, come on. We can't let the Apps people frig the whole thing up. It's just too important.

I'm taking the thing up a notch. Amber Mac and Veronica Belmont have already agreed to come, but only on the condition that we give them the red carpet treatment. No problem there. I lined up a couple of their stalkers to follow them around with some special x-ray vision camcorders. And in case you're wondering, no, the stalkers aren't Kevin Rose and Alex Albrecht. But they will be here to film an episode of Diggnation. Instead of drinking beer, they'll be sampling Larry's homemade bonsai brownies. The special kind. No, I'm not kidding. It's in the contract they just signed.

So RSVP ASAP, freaks.

UPDATE: I've just been informed that Mark Zuckerberg will be attending. You know what that means, bros. Bring your rotten tomatoes. A free fake Ferrari car door handle goes to the first person to nail Zuckerberg with a cream pie.

"Can Oracle hear me?"

That's what I wanted to call our newest contest, but Safra said no way, Jose. So we're just calling it the Oracle Innovation Award. See here. Yeah, it's a boring name. But the contest is anything but. Check it out. Do something cool with Middlewear and you could win a shitload of money and a trip to Larryland. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you wow us and totally blow us away. Make it open your garage door. Turn it into a software toilet flusher that activates on voice commands. Create a high tech spam bot that dubs as a DOS attack server and then point it at Microsoft's website. I don't care. Just remember to send a picture of yourself along with your entry. It would work to your advantage to be an attractive young woman with blond hair and blue eyes, but I don't always discriminate. Sometimes I'm partial to brunettes. Oh, and please, for the love of God, don't be stupid like that Google wannabe (above) who took a roadtrip in his ghetto conversion van and made a complete fool out of himself. I swear we'll sue you if you embarrass us like that.

Yeah, we gave ourselves a pat on the back. So what?

Jesus. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. A bunch of people are bitching and complaining about this little press release we sent out yesterday. Look, all we did was talk about how Oracle offers small businesses practically every option they could ever want or need. What's so bad about that? I mean, really. Are you saying we're big and bad just because we can offer people the whole enchilada? Are you saying we're evil just because we don't sell people bits and pieces of crappy software that don't fit together? Please. That's called progress where I come from. And it's one of the many benefits of consolidation in the software industry.

I know there are plenty of turds out there who can't or won't want to understand this consolidation thing. So check this out. Maybe the next time you're in the market for a new car, you should try building it from scratch. Like, go around and buy every single part you need -- things like the fan belts and bolts and wheels and shit. Then put it all together by yourself. Then come back to me and tell me that vertical integration is a bad thing. Seriously. I'll be here waiting.

This isn't funny

So I go to the Oracle gym this evening and find this hanging on the wall next to my personal Stairmaster. Yes, I'm still shaking. I mean, there are no words to describe something like this. It's just a random act of hate. Only it's not random. Somebody knew I was going to see this over my V8 and the Mercury News and then just lose it. They knew I would start crying and screaming and shit. Which is exactly what I did. The good news is that Oracle Homeland Security is taking fingerprints off the dart-board as I write this, so we should know who it was by tomorrow at the latest. To tell you the truth, I honestly don't know who would do something like this. Paris? Ballmer? Zuckerberg? Mickos? Schwartz? Some other turd? It doesn't matter now, anyway. We'll find whoever did this and... well, I don't know what we'll do to them. But we'll come up with something. Justice will be served, friends.

What we're doing with InnoDB

So most you probably know that I own InnoDB, the leading transactional storage engine for MySQL. Its kind of been one of those riding-the-fence companies -- it doesn't really have balls, and it could go either way. But the numbers came in a couple weeks ago, and let me tell you -- InnoDB is kicking ass and killing the competition. Who knew? Unfortunately, it really hadn't done much else except sit there like a lame duck. We just couldn't figure out how to make money off it. Oh sure, MySQL AB pays us a little to continue development, and we sell some of those commercial licenses, but that was about it. And it wasn't enough -- not nearly enough.

The question was this: What the hell are we going to do with InnoDB? How do we make money with it, and how can we use it to destroy MySQL?

So we had an Oracle powwow a couple weeks ago to brainstorm. Safra sent out the memo to our best and brightest, and everybody brought their portable white boards and yoga mats. I told them what we were doing, and I asked them to sit on the floor for a while and doodle imaginary creatures and whatnot until they had their big epiphany. You know. We were talking about the great vision that would restore balance and harmony to InnoDB. So they did that, and let me tell you, these people came up with some amazing ideas. One dude suggested that we configure InnoDB to drop all of MySQL's tables at random. That was the idea I voted for. Another guy said that we should pre-load InnoDB with porn that would pop-up on everybody's web application.

But the winning idea was ingenious. Just amazing. Basically, it said that we need to start benchmarking InnoDB to perform exactly 5% slower than our 11g release. And when our salesmen really need to bring home the bacon, they can type in a secret MySQL command to make InnoDB perform 15% slower than 11g.

We've already implemented this. As in, the new InnoDB version with this feature is shipping right now. It's a win-win for us, because let's face it -- who's going to want a slow-ass database like this? Nobody, that's who. Everybody's going to come to us. They have nowhere else to go.

You should have seen this customer who was here this morning. One of my guys was trying to close a deal, and he set up MySQL to run really slow. I mean, really slow. The thing was just dragging ass. And the customer was like, oh wow. Gee. I had no idea MySQL blew goats like this. He really said that, and he sat there scratching his head for like five minutes. No joke. I was just sitting there trying not to laugh. Because Mickos is truly fucked now. Seriously.

Does anybody remember Power Computing?

Probably not. All the kids running around with Macs and iPods and iPhones these days are recent converts. But take it from an old fogey: Power Computing had some truly spectacular advertising. They staged one of the most brilliant advertising coups of all time. Really. Back in '97, nobody could resist a banner that screamed, "Let's kick Intel's Ass!" Sure, you'd get your ass kicked today if you were tooling around with this on the back of your car, but back then it was really something. Their ads made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like you were a part of something big and making history with other Mac users. And we were.

That's why I've directed Oracle's advertising agency to model our newest advertising campaign after this one. And no, we're not stealing the Power Computing advertisements. We'll probably just copy them and change them a little. Like, in the advertisement shown above, we'll take out the 225 MHz part, add a MiG, and say, "We're fighting back for the relational database!" Or something. Actually, I don't know what we'll do to it exactly, but we'll definitely improve upon it and make it our own. So prepare to feel all warm and fuzzy, punks. New Oracle ads are coming to a rag near you.

Weirdo Warren still has game

See here. Now all the eHarmony people are using Oracle to hook up. We gave old man Neil Clark Warren all kinds of discounts, like the senior citizen discount and the mentally disabled entrepreneur discount. We feel kind of bad for the guy. I mean, eHarmony was a pretty good idea. It really was. But then some crack-head developers went and frigged the whole thing up. Now you have to fill out like 300 forms just to register. Anyway, to show his appreciation for the discounts we gave him, Neil rigged eHarmony so that I would show up as a match for every woman in Silicon Valley. I've already gotten like 300 responses. And you know what that means, bros. Time to fire up the boat, load up the honeys, and set sail for Tijuana.

And they say acquisitions don't work

Look, I don't want to call anybody out here. But for all the douche bags and media turds and naysayers out there, I'd just like to point out that our little Hyperion experiment is moving right along. See here. I mean, just look at the market share we've gained. If that doesn't blow your blinders off, I don't know what will. Acquisitions work, people. Consolidation in the software industry is a good thing. Because, really. What sense does it make to have two perfectly good teams of engineers working on exactly the same thing?

Red Hat, you might be next. I'm in the market for a shitty operating system and I've always secretly liked you. Plus, you have JBoss. 'Nuff said.

Is this good for the company?

So I walk into the office this morning and Safra says, where the hell have you been? Because IBM's been waiting in the board room for four hours and they're madder than hornets trapped under Bill's toupée. And I'm like, Safra, baby. Whoa. Slow down and start from the beginning. And so then she tells me how IBM apparently scheduled a meeting with me months ago to see our new top secret 12g release and talk to Frank Chu about some of the new mind-blowing components. She says they're here now and they've brought their golf clubs and golf carts and mainframes and hummer limos.

I tell her no way. The meeting's not going to happen. Call it off, do whatever she needs to do, but I'm not going to talk to those flakes. Why the hell would I give those punks our trade secrets? And she says, Larry, you told them it was all set last week. You can't just cancel now. And I'm like, uhh, yes I can. I'm Larry f'ing Ellison. I own this company, and I do what I want.

But then she got that sad puppy dog face and I knew she was right. So I pulled the fire alarm. It was the only logical thing to do. And here's the best part. Since I wrote all of the fire alarm evacuation procedures myself, nobody goes back into the buildings until Safra gets every single employee to sign her clipboard. Insane, right? She's so cute. She puts on this little orange vest and screams employee names through a bullhorn until they come up and sign. The entire process could take days.

Oh, I almost forgot. I paid the fire department to tow away the IBM hummer limos and golf carts. You should have seen the IBMers. One of the security guys was crying his eyes out. I almost felt sorry for them. Almost.