I'm sponsoring a sorority

There comes a time in the life of every individual and institution where help is desperately needed. Maybe a loved one has died. Maybe the stock price has tanked. Or maybe funding is not available for your sorority, as is the case for the Alpha Chi Omega chapter at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. That's why I'm sponsoring these young women at my alma mater starting today. I have lots of good memories associated with their chapter, and when I heard they were about to close it, I knew had to do something. I had to act. I mean, you can't just let cultural icons and societal staples like this fade away. The fact that this Alpha Chi Omega chapter was about to run out of money is just more proof that America is allowing nihilism and a degradation of values to creep into the very fabric of our civilization. I'm really worried about us.

Anyway, I wrote them a check and Frank installed Oracle on all of their computers and they were very appreciative. Before we drove off, they gave us their phone numbers and told us to call if we needed anything. Frank, being the perv he is, said he would probably take them up on it.

Wish you were here

It's a warm day in Chicago. That's why Frank and I beat it on over to White Castle when the gynecologist convention went on lunch break. We cooled down with a few burgers and Cokes. A lot of people don't know this, but White Castle is the oldest hamburger chain in the world, and by God, I've missed this place for a long time. Seriously. I can't even begin to tell you what it's like to stack three of those little burgers on top of each other and then stuff them all into your mouth at once. Indescribable. Frank can do six at once. He calls it "The Tower of Power." Says he has some kind of vision about the new Oracle 12g database when he gets them all into his mouth. That's Frank for you, though. Always trying to one-up everybody. I will tell you this. The dude should have been a gynecologist. He's really knows his stuff -- he's just cut out for the work.

We're in the Windy City

Well, here we are, chilling pool-side at The Peninsula Chicago. Frank's in a speedo right now checking out the ladies, and I'm in one of my suits blogging on a beach chair. You should see this one girl in the pool. I swear she's like 17 years old. She has these huge all natural jugs and she's been doing the backstroke for the past hour or so in a bikini that looks like it's about to fall off. Life is good, bros. Seriously. Anyway, we got into Chicago about 4 PM this afternoon, and let me tell you, it was amazing flying over the city and coming through the clouds. (See picture taken with iPhone above.) There's only one thing that could have made the trip better, and that's landing the MiG at Meigs Field. Of course, that little airstrip was illegally demolished years ago courtesy of Richard M. Daley, Chicago mayor and butthead for life. It's getting me all riled up just thinking about it now. But I'm not going to let it get to me. I'm just going to take a sip of my Pinot Noir and watch the 17 year old swim for a while longer.

TGIM

I never thought I'd say this, but I am really, really happy it's Monday. After two days of non-stop partying on the boat, I'm ready to get back to reality. And my poor boat. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff I found lying on the deck. Or maybe you would. Anyway, I caught up with Frank Chu yesterday and the dude wants to fly to Chicago this week for some national gynecologist convention. So we're going. I'm game for something like that. You can never learn too much, friends. There's this guy down in marketing who has this professional identification card machine, and I got to thinking about it. Like, maybe Frank and I could pretend to be gynecologists. So I pointed my IT security people towards the Blue Cross and Blue Shield databases and told them to get in there and get some names for our fake gynecologist ID cards. Three hours and a couple ID cards later, I'm Dr. Victor Vanderslice, and Frank is Dr. Thomas Pain. We leave as soon as Frank stops tripping out on shrooms. Wouldn't want that dude getting panicked and pulling the ejection lever in the MiG.

We might have to rename our 12g release

Remember how I said that San Francisco's Frank Chu is the greatest undiscovered technologist in the history of the world? And how in honor of his tremendous contributions to Oracle we named our new top-secret database 12g, after Frank's 12 galaxy concept? Well, it turns out that we might have to rename it 1000g, because Frank had a major breakthrough a couple days ago. Believe it or not, my main man has started talking about another 988 galaxies. Oracle's R&D people aren't quite sure what it all means yet, but they're working on it round the clock. One thing's for sure. We'll have to push back the new database release by at least a year or so. Don't worry, people -- the new features will be well worth the wait. Trust me on this one.

Is this good for the company?

So I walk into the office this morning and Safra says, where the hell have you been? Because IBM's been waiting in the board room for four hours and they're madder than hornets trapped under Bill's toupée. And I'm like, Safra, baby. Whoa. Slow down and start from the beginning. And so then she tells me how IBM apparently scheduled a meeting with me months ago to see our new top secret 12g release and talk to Frank Chu about some of the new mind-blowing components. She says they're here now and they've brought their golf clubs and golf carts and mainframes and hummer limos.

I tell her no way. The meeting's not going to happen. Call it off, do whatever she needs to do, but I'm not going to talk to those flakes. Why the hell would I give those punks our trade secrets? And she says, Larry, you told them it was all set last week. You can't just cancel now. And I'm like, uhh, yes I can. I'm Larry f'ing Ellison. I own this company, and I do what I want.

But then she got that sad puppy dog face and I knew she was right. So I pulled the fire alarm. It was the only logical thing to do. And here's the best part. Since I wrote all of the fire alarm evacuation procedures myself, nobody goes back into the buildings until Safra gets every single employee to sign her clipboard. Insane, right? She's so cute. She puts on this little orange vest and screams employee names through a bullhorn until they come up and sign. The entire process could take days.

Oh, I almost forgot. I paid the fire department to tow away the IBM hummer limos and golf carts. You should have seen the IBMers. One of the security guys was crying his eyes out. I almost felt sorry for them. Almost.

I get all my best ideas from Frank

People come up to me sometimes and say, Larry, how did you come up with all this stuff? Where did you find the inner-strength and creativity to invent things like the relational database, BMW Oracle Racing, and the kegerator? You're an f'ing genius, Larry. Well, yes. It's true that I invented the relational database, but I can't take credit for BMW Oracle. That was all Paul Cayard's fault. And just because I have over 300 hand-made kegerators on my yachts doesn't mean that I invented those either. Even if I wanted to take credit for something as cool as the kegerator, I wouldn't. It's just wrong.

But anyway. Back to where all of my creative juices come from. To be honest with you, I tap my main man Frank Chu for all the big juicy ideas. Most of you probably know him as San Francisco's most famous protester or whatever, and maybe you think he's a mental case, but let me tell you. Frank here is a modern day visionary. Kind of an Oracle in his own way. Dude's a genius when it comes to string theory, quantum mechanics, and chaos theory as it relates to databases.

I get the guy, you know? We understand each other. Frank knows that Oracle is the chosen corporation, and I know that Frank is going to help us build the next generation database. The one that's going to crush MySQL and all the other kiddie databases out there. The one that's going to bring peace and harmony to enterprise computing. The one that's going to make me the richest man in the world. Again.

So I fly him out to Aspen every once in a while. I wine and dine the dude behind closed doors, let him take a couple hits on the monster bong, and watch him do his thing. Let him talk about the new schemas and tablespaces. Let him talk about the 12 galaxies and the government corruption. It all starts to make sense after you listen to him for a couple hours. We're incorporating all of this information into our 12g release. You probably think 12g is just another version number or something, but it's not. It's short for Frank's 12 galaxies. My R&D people won't let me say much more at this point, but take it from me. This is one release you're not going to want to skip.