Dear Shit for Brains...

I know you laughed at the iPhone and everything, but now 1995 is calling and it wants its phones back. As in, your phones, Stevie. All of those devices running Windows are out, bro. The people spoke yesterday. They want technology that actually works. They want phones that can actually make phone calls without crashing. People would rather use rotary phones that your Winphones. Yes, I know you're shocked.

In the face of adversity, Red Hat tries to act natural

It's no secret that Shit for Brains thinks he owns Linux, or at least part of it. And it's also no secret that Red Hat thinks SFB is full of shit. But every couple months Stevie B. hints at an intellectual property lawsuit just to keep everybody on their toes. This time around, however, Red Hat says it isn't going to push back. They say they're just going to smile and nod and act like everything is normal. My lawyers are following the whole thing very closely. They say that Novell caving in was a good sign and that soon enough we'll be able to sue Microsoft for violating our patents. No joke. And we're talking large sums of money here, people. When you consider the fact that every computer running Windows has a little relational database inside, you'll see the scale of what I'm talking about. So we're almost ready to start entering into license negotiations with Microsoft. We think they should pay us about $10,000 per Windows installation. That's fair, right?

Shit for Brains is splashing into SaaS

See here. Yes, I know this is old news. What makes it interesting now is that Microsoft is competing with a growing number of companies in this market, including SAP, Salesforce, and NetSuite. Don't laugh at the Microturds yet, though. When the tough get going, the going gets tough. I know SFB is just another butthead fighting over the SaaS table scraps, but Silverlight is actually pretty good. It's nothing to sneeze at anyway.

And I'll tell you this. The only thing worse than Google-envy is Salesforce.com-envy. Don't worry: Stevie B. will want Salesforce.com. When he starts making his little mating call and doing that thing with his tongue, we'll start dropping the hints that we're looking into buying Salesforce. It's our jack-the-price up strategy. We don't really want Salesforce, but we do want to fuck Microsoft. So we'll pretend to want them and plant a bunch of articles in the press and drop some outrageous figure like $10 billion. Then SFB will get all huffy and try to outbid us. It works every time. Just like it did with Red Hat and JBoss. And just like JBoss, Salesforce.com would drag Microsoft down. It would be a terrible buy for Microsoft. But that's Shit for Brains for you. I swear the dude's exactly like the teenage girls I see shopping at the mall. He's always buying a bunch of shit he doesn't really want or need.

Revenge of the Nerds coming to Xbox

Doesn't it seem like Microsoft takes a hit every time Red Hat releases their numbers? It sure seems that way to me. Red Hat announces record profits and Microsoft's stock goes down. Red Hat announces that they've gained market share and Microsoft fires a couple of their vice presidents. Don't ask me why it's like that. When you really look at the numbers you realize Microsoft has nothing to fear. But they're still afraid. It's like the elephant jumping out of its skin every time it sees the mouse. This last time Microsoft tried something new. Shit for Brains said, well, look. If we release Halo 3 on the same week Red Hat announces quarterly earnings, we'll probably be okay. And they were. In fact, Halo 3 actually did much better than they thought it would. Which is kind of surprising when you consider that the game sucks ass.

So the new plan is to release an Xbox game every time Red Hat announces quarterly earnings. That way, according to Shit for Brains, Microsoft can weather the storm. So SFB has directed Bungie to start working on a new game. This one is going to be a lot like the Revenge of the Nerds movie, except it's going to star younger Silicon Valley greats. Gates and Jobs are in there, of course. So am I. Larry made it in, people. Microsoft sent a couple developers down here to look at pictures of me when I was younger (above and to right) so they could get me just right. The evil frat boys are going to be the gentlemen from the SEC.

And you probably won't believe this, but Shit for Brains actually has hair in the game. I tripped out the first time I saw his character. I didn't even recognize the dude. Seriously. But here's the best part. I bribed the Microsoft guys to put in this cheat code that makes Shit for Brains go postal. Once they put it in the game, all you'll have to do is just punch in the code and Stevie B. will start throwing chairs and shit. Priceless.

Shit for Brains has lost his marbles

Check out this article where Stevie B. tries to diss me but just winds up pulling an incoherent George W. Bush moment. Here’s what he told the Times Online: "I find it interesting and probably not that considered a decision to do what [Oracle have] done." Right. You know, as frigged up as this is, I think I get the gist of the article. SFB is upset that I get paid as much as I do and he thinks Oracle is making a mistake. But the article is probably a plea for help more than anything. Steve has gone nuts working out this Facebook deal and he knows he needs professional help and medication. He’s trying to seek help through the press. It’s like a secret message he’s sending to the medical community.

Listen, Steve. I just called some professionals up in Redmond and they concur. They can hear you, bro. Help is on the way. Just hold tight and they’ll be at your office soon.

Shit for Brains wants a piece of Facebook

And he wants it bad. See here. He keeps calling Zuckerberg every hour, on the hour, and tacking a million dollars onto his bid for 5% of Facebook every time he calls. A reputable source told me this morning that Shit for Brains is not handling the stress well. Apparently he's gone off the deep end and is really, really freaking the Microturds out. He's graduated from throwing chairs to throwing desks. He also lets his tongue hang out of his mouth in meetings now, and he doesn't eat anything except Sloppy Joes and Frito pies in the cafeteria. And for some reason he keeps saying that Novell is going to beat Microsoft to the Facebook investment punch.

Look, this is what happens when you get Google-envy. I warned him. I said, Steve, don't buy stuff just because you think Google might be looking at it. You'll go insane. And he just laughed and said, oh yeah Larry, whatever. But did he listen to me? Did he even stop to think about what could happen to him and Microsoft? No, he did not. And now he's all panicked and shit. He's gone into fight or flight mode and he's going to do something stupid. I just know it. That's Shit for Brains for you, though.

Honestly, Zuckerberg is the real wild card at this point. Like a virgin who flirts with everybody and knows she's going to have to give it up someday soon, Zuckerburg is waiting for the perfect conditions and the right price. He wants the biggest bang for his bling. But believe me, this guy doesn't care who he sells out to. He's just in it for the girls and the press right now. But that period passes. You can only bang so many girls and be on so many magazine covers before the shit gets old. He's almost at the point where he just wants to get his money and get out. But he's being careful about it.

Naturally, we're taking advantage of the situation. We got one of our guys to talk about how Facebook is worth a lot more than SFB thinks it is and give a lot of crazy optical illusion examples to prove it. We even got him to put this at the bottom of his blog: "Disclaimer: All opinions expressed here are personal opinions of the author(s) and do not reflect opinions of Oracle or any other person/organziation." Listen, the dude's legit. You have my word. And you can quote him on the price he came up with for Facebook. Really.

I canceled my subscription to the Mercury News

These Mercury News turds (above) pushed my buttons for the last time this weekend. See here. Article is called "Steve Ballmer’s motivation a mystery to Larry Ellison." The gist is that Shit for Brains is underpaid and I'm overpaid. According to them, SFB is great for Microsoft and he's a kind soul for not wanting to be paid very much. And they don't understand why I can't be like SFB. Like, gee, Larry Ellison is such an SOB for wanting to get paid for working.

Well guess what, buttheads? I'm canceling my subscription to your pathetic little rag of a newspaper. Oracle's not going to get it anymore either. And I wiped my ass with it this weekend and flushed it down the toilet.

And I've got a little news flash for you. Whatever Shit for Brains is getting paid is too much. Way too much. The dude has taken the wind out of Microsoft's sails. He's sucked so much life and money out of the company that it's just a shell of its former self. It's not even a monopoly anymore. I mean, let's face it. You know you have a problem when people would rather use Ubuntu than Vista. That's just sad. So no, he's not underpaid. In fact, if anything he should be paying Microsoft to work there.

Microsoft is getting dirty

Special thanks to the reader who sent in this breaking news story from Mary Jo "I love Microsoft" Foley. According to the article, "Microsoft execs also announced that, starting today, customers who migrate from Oracle to SQL Server will get a 50 percent discount on the price of SQL Server Enterprise Edition or 25 percent off the price of Standard Edition." In other words, Shit for Brains wants to mud wrestle with me. Like the fat kid in elementary school who gets picked on one too many times, SFB has stripped down to his tighty whities, waded into the muck, and called me out. He wants to prove himself, and he's out for blood. Thing is, I don't need to fight the guy. Oracle has better shit that runs on every operating system, not just Windows. So go fight somebody your own size, Steve. Maybe, um, Sybase. Yeah. They'll probably take the bait.

Shit for Brains is buying a bike

A reputable source has just informed me that Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will be purchasing a crotch rocket or a chopper early this week. Apparently Shit for Brains is leaning towards the chopper because it costs less and he wants to make lots and lots of noise and cruise down the highway in spread eagle position. That and he wants to show off his ass crack. According to the source, he’d like to feel the wind against his tongue and his bald head and his sweaty armpits. So he’s buying one. And he’s also buying a lifetime membership in the Hells Angels motorcycle club. The source said that SFB claims it was his wife’s idea, but everybody knows that’s a bunch of baloney. Personally, I think he just wants to get all of the anti-trust stuff off his mind. Maybe it’ll help. All I know is that’s a lot of power in between your legs. I hope SFB can handle the heat.

SFB wants it all

See here. Looks like some Microsoft flake was trying to be a hero by offering to wash and wax people's BMWs in exchange for votes for Microsoft's new XML document format. Shit for Brains probably sent him a bunch of wax and polishing rags. Funny thing is that the format still failed to get ISO approval. Gee, I'm shocked. And I'm also shocked that the Seattle Times got the story all wrong. Like with this quote: "There's no obvious victim, like Netscape, to suggest Microsoft is stifling innovative new companies." Um, yes there is. It's a little company called Sun Microsystems. Have you heard of them? They're right on the brink, but they're still alive -- at least, they were the last time I checked.

Listen, Steve. The people have spoken, and they have said no to your frigged-up standard. But you're not listening, are you? You're going to try again and again and again until somebody drills you new ears. Shame on you, freak.

Special thanks to the dude who snapped this picture of SFB way back in the day. SFB never had hair, did he?

Dear Shit for Brains...

It's been a while since I last wrote to you. I figured I'd start this thing up again. As in, open the channels of communication and drop you a line. You're probably still using Outlook, that queer little shoot-from-the-hip email application that doesn't always receive messages, but I figured, what the hell? Or maybe you're using one of those new big-ass Microsoft coffee tables to read this. Whatever.

Anyway, I just wanted to send my condolences. Everybody can see that you and Microsoft are in the ultimate tailspin and downward spiral. You're losing, Steve, and it's painful to watch. Horrific. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm not really. I've actually been laughing about it a lot. All the shitty software and delayed releases and poor marketing finally caught up to you. That's what you get for naming a music player "Zune." I mean, come on. It really does sound like a turd. Couldn't you have come up with something better?

And what's with Vista, Steve? Why the fuck can't your people just make the software you sell instead of copying somebody else? Or at least buy the competition. Hell, that's what I do. You aren't fooling anybody with that "Gadgets" crap -- we all know you ripped off Dashboard. Even Pogue called you on it, Steve. Yes, I know he's owned by Apple, but he has shit for brains, too.

Okay. Enough of the bullshit.

What I want to say, and I mean really want to say, is that we're not going to have mercy on you. We're not going to stop kicking you and rubbing your face in the dirt until you're gone forever. The gang has hung the noose and it's out for blood. Google. Apple. Oracle. Sun. Okay, maybe not Sun. But everybody else, Steve. We're going to get you, because you're stupid enough to fall into our traps. You have Google envy, and that's just sad, Steve. I mean, they friggin sell advertising for crying out loud. Advertising. That's all they do. And yet you're pouring billions into the war against them, kind of like how the U.S. is pouring billions into Iraq. It's a war you can't win, Steve. And then you reached for the forbidden fruit: the iPod. The holy grail of music players. The device that blew everything else out of the water. You saw it, Steve, and you reached for it with the Zune, but God just farted on you. It's a cruel, harsh world.

Oh, and one other thing. Get out of the database market, Steve. Your product is the laughing stock of the industry. People use it when they want to lose data. I mean, you know you're in trouble when the IRS is your biggest customer. So cut the cut cord, bro. Pull the plug.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to retire. Take a permanent vacation. Bum around for a while. Go hang out at Bill's house. Head to Hooters. Stick your head in a toilet and flush. Do whatever you need to do, dude. Just get out before the shit hits the fan.

Anyhoo. Just my two cents, Steve. Take it for what it's worth.

Your brother in arms,

Larry