As if three Google jets weren't enough...

Larry and Sergey and Eric just had to get another one. See here. I called Eric this afternoon to verify. He said, yes, the rumors are true. Apparently Larry wanted all three of them to have their own planes so they could each fly one and have dogfights over LA, and he wanted this new 757 so he could fly it from home with a special version of Microsoft Flight Simulator X. The best part about the 757 is that it runs on a special hybrid blend of dollar bills and ethanol. Larry's convinced that inflation is going to get so high in a couple months that the dollar won't be worth anything, so he wants to burn green backs to reduce the number of bills in circulation which will in turn help decrease inflation. Eric also said that passengers can actually fuel the aircraft while it's flying by sticking bills into the little plastic box right next to the stripper pole.

Just got back from Google this morning

The Google turds are hanging in there and going about their usual business despite all of the recent flak over this DoubleClick deal. I've got to tell you though, Eric and the founders are up in arms over articles like this one. They just don't understand why people are so hostile and resentful now. They know everybody use to love Google and its pretty campus complex and its wonderful employees and its food and its logo and its search engine. But now the tide has turned, and they're mad about that. But the thing Eric and the founders are most upset about is the Google blogs. They just aren't working. They aren't swaying public opinion like they used to. The Google blogosphere hasn't been the same since it called Michael Moore a big fat liar.

So they have a new strategy. They're going to fire up the Google jet and tour the world giving "Google Truthout Sessions." Dr. Eric will be talking all about how Google really is a good corporation. He'll also be handing out lots and lots of Google paraphernalia and giving kids free rides on the Google jet. And the Truthout Sessions will be sponsored by advertisers, of course. That's why I went to see the guys in the first place. Oracle is sponsoring the first ten sessions, and it will probably sponsor ten more depending on the attendance. We'll see how it turns out.

Damn you, Larry and Sergey

These guys just never stop, do they? It's not enough for them to have founded one of the largest companies in Silicon Valley. No. All the Toyota Priuses and Google Phones and Mac Pros and hot women in the world could never sate the appetite of the gTurds. They have to have it all. Case in point: The founders are going to start parking their Boeing 767 at NASA's Moffett Field. See here. And they'll be parking right next to my MiG and Cessna and C-130. Buttheads.

I have a cold fusion reactor I'd like to sell this guy

There are only two types of people in the world: Those who understand technology, and those who don't. This article seems to indicate that Business Week's Peter Burrows lands squarely in the n00b category. The dude thinks Steve might buy up a chunk of the wireless spectrum for all of Apple's devices, like the iMac and iPhone and AppleTV and shit. That way, according to Peter, everything will be able to phone home and seamlessly sync with .Mac or whatever. So let me get this right. Peter thinks a bunch of wireless devices will be communicating via a center server. Tell me this isn't the Network Computer. Go ahead. Do it, punk. Tell me this isn't the idea I came up with over ten years ago.

And for your information, no, Steve is not going to place a bid on the wireless spectrum. But Google will. And when they win, they'll be letting Apple use it for pennies on the dollar. That's how Google is. They think they're geniuses, but they're real morons when it comes to making money. And Steve's about to take Eric on the ride of his life.

You might work for Google if...

People tell you that you're doing really, really important work, but it seems completely useless and impractical. You'd rather ride a Segway around town than walk or drive. You use Macs, but they're all running FreeBSD instead of Mac OS X. You use Gimp instead of Photoshop. You'd rather program in Python all night than go to a movie with two or three beautiful women. MySQL is your God, not Oracle. You forget to wipe after you use the bathroom because you're too busy reading the stupid Google tip on the back of the stall door. You have a tattoo of Sergey Brin's head on your left buttcheek. You're constantly asking beautiful people if they want to "Google" with you. When people ask you how you're doing, you say "I'm feeling lucky." You really, truly, completely believe that you are one of the chosen ones and that nobody can stop you. You watched that Obama Girl video like 1,000 times but you still think Hillary Clinton is hot. You swim 20 miles everyday in one of those stationary swimming pools where you never actually move. You pull guns on people in Hummers who tailgate your Prius. You think everything I'm saying right now is stupid and immature, but you're laughing your fucking ass off because deep down you know it's true.

You really are sick and sad inside, you little gTurds.

Skateboarding is not a crime

Especially not when I do it. But I'm not going to kid you -- I'm not really that good yet. And Melanie makes me wear a shitload of pads over my suit when I skate up and down the halls at Oracle, which makes me look like a complete tool. That's okay, though. I'm almost ready for my big trip to Google next week. I have the 360 Double Flip down, and my no comply is sick. Believe it, dudes. I can't wait until the Google flakes see me Nosegrind on their Segway handlebars next Wednesday. They'll wig out and get their panties in a bunch and probably call the rumored Google Jetpack Security Team. All I can say is: Bring it. Tony Hawk's got nothing on Fake Larry.

So Eric calls...

And he’s crying like a big baby. Blubbering on and on about how the Google kids are all depressed after reading the articles that say Google’s hit the skids. Apparently they’re riding their Segways a lot less often and popping Prozac and Paxil in the bathroom. And that’s not even the half of it. They’re missing their massage appointments, drawing strange things on whiteboards, picking their noses while people are watching, and even driving their SUVs to work. He said security had to escort this one dude out of the building because he parked his Hummer in the employee parking lot, which is prohibited by company policy.

I’m like, Eric, bro. Google’s going through a mid-life crisis here. You need to do something. And he stops blubbering for a minute and says sure, Larry. But what? And I say, well, you have an identity problem on your hands, Eric. You’re the search company, but you’ve lost sight of that. Now you’re into all kinds of crazy shit like online word processing apps and Google Mars and even this new phone. How the fuck did you think you could get away with that type of stuff, Eric? And then he starts crying harder.

I wait it out. After he stops blowing his nose, I tell him that he needs to focus on what he does best. Stick with searching and ads and maps and stuff like that. The Mars stuff isn’t going to fly. I mean, I know it’s fun. I do. But Wall Street doesn’t care about searching maps of Mars. All they care about is the bottom line. What Google needs to do is under promise and over deliver. That’s how Oracle does it. That’s how Apple does it.

And he says, right, this is good stuff. I’m taking notes here. I could just see the poor dude sitting there in his office, rubbing his eyes and looking out the window at the girls on the volleyball court. And then he says, thanks Larry. I appreciate it. I really do. But I’ve got to go. Larry and Sergey are here with iced tea.

And I’m thinking, great. That’s what the founders are calling their Googleaid these days. Once the roofies kick in, he won’t remember shit. I love Eric to death, but I worry about that guy.