Showing posts with label Apple. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Apple. Show all posts

October 2, 2007

So Steve calls...


And he says he wants a raise. He says, you know what, Larry? I put this little podunk company on the map and what do I get? Fucking $1 a year, dude. That's how Apple's board of directors thanks me. That's how the stock holders thank me. And yes, I know I'm technically the CEO who received the most compensation in 2007, but it's not enough. It's still not enough, Larry. You know that, right? You're with me on this one. I know you are. I mean, I'm only like what, the 37th richest person in the world or something? Fuck that shit, dude. I want to be up there with you. I want to buy a little place in Woodside next to your house and have a buddhist temple in my backyard made out of gold where I can go and meditate and think about the next great thing. I'm thinking it will be the Newton reincarnated but I'm not sure yet. I'm really not. I've got to think about it more. So what do you think, man? How should I approach these guys and ask for a raise?

Crazy Steve. I just hope this iPhone bricking business blows over soon.

September 28, 2007

Steve Jobs just fixed my iPhones


So by now I’m sure you’ve heard that we’ve lost our top lawyer Daniel Cooperman to Apple. If not, see here. I’m not sure how many of you know Dan, but let me tell you, the guy’s a miracle worker. He really is. The dude can walk on water and have the Microturd lawyers quaking in their boots faster than you can say "Windows Vista blows goats." Seriously. So I hate to see him go. But I had to give him to Steve. I just had to.

It all started yesterday when I updated my iPhones. You know how software updates go. You’ve got to have the latest and greatest. So I installed the updates from my MacBook Pro, but then none of my iPhones turned on. Except for one of them, which kept playing this little video of Steve manically laughing and screaming, “Fuck you, idiot. You think you’re so great? You think you can hack my shit? Fat chance, freak. You believed the freetards and now we’re going to screw you. Sucker.” And then more laughing, etc. Woo boy. I don’t think I’ve ever been so mad in my life. I called Steve up with my Blackberry and said, What the fuck? You think you can just break my iPhones? Huh? Do you? You turd. You think you’re going to diss me just because I wanted to use T-Mobile? Nuh uh, Steve. Not gonna work, bro. You’re going to fly out here to Chicago right now and fix this shit before I pull your Oracle databases for breaching our EULA. Maybe you don’t think you’ve breached our EULA, but trust me, you have. Even if you haven’t done anything wrong, Dan will find something and sue your fucking ass into the ground. We’ll make the people at the SEC look like kindergartners.

And then Steve says, Okay Larry, okay. I’ll do it. I’ll fix your iPhones. But I need something in return, okay? I need Dan. I really need him, Larry. I know you don’t understand what I’m going through right now with the SEC. Nobody can. But it’s bad, Larry. So help a brother out, would you? And sure, then I’ll fix your iPhones.

So he flew some Apple technician out here and now the things are working again. Finally. You’ll never believe how easy it is to unlock them. You just pop in your SIM card, reboot the thing, and hold 13 fingers on the touchpad. Then you type in a secret code and select the service. That’s it. Even the voice mail works.

September 21, 2007

We're having a candlelight vigil for Steve tonight


By now I'm sure you've heard how the SEC is trying to trap Steve by subpoenaing him in the case against former Apple general counsel Nancy Heinen. See here. The feds are up to their usual dirty tricks. They even sent a good cop/bad cop team to Apple yesterday to try to rough Steve up. They said, "Hey Stevie, if you don't want to go to jail right away, you're going to have to go on record and say you didn't do something we know you did. If you do that you're going to jail. And if you don't do that you're going to jail. Pick your poison. But it ain't so bad in prison, bud. We'll give you a breadboard and a soldering iron if you cooperate. You can still make great things like iPods. You will, unfortunately, have to sign away the rights to your intellectual property, so we'll own whatever you make. But you can still make it, and that's what counts, right? Now just tell us the truth."

It's scary stuff, I tell you. I've been humbled by it. It's almost enough to make me not want to cash in my Oracle options. Almost.

Anyway, to show our support for the world's greatest visionary of all time, we're having a candlelight vigil for Steve tonight. We're all going to meet at the Apple Campus at 7 PM. Oh, and it's not really a "candlelight" vigil. It's more like an iPhone and iPod light vigil. So don't bring candles, okay? This isn't a Metallica concert. Bring your iPhones. Bring your iPods. Bring your MacBooks and MacBooks Pros. Bring them all and turn them on. Shine them towards the heavens and light up the night. Let's show the SEC that we're not going to take any more of their regulatory shit.

If you don't have an iPhone or an iPod or a MacBook or a MacBook Pro, don't come. You're no friend of Steve's and you're no friend of mine either. Stay at home, you Ubuntu turds. I'm warning you. I mean it. We're going to have Spot The Ubuntu Turd contests. The winners will get "Free Cupertino" t-shirts.

So get off Facebook, friends, and stop talking on your iPhones. Get out tonight and show solidarity with Steve. Be an activist, not an apathist. See you there.

September 17, 2007

Steve thinks he’s driving to England tonight


He calls me up and he’s like, dude, I just bought this kickass RV for the drive to England. I’m taking the wife and kids and turning the European iPhone announcement tomorrow into a vacation. That’s right, bud. It’s time for a little R&R and maybe even a trip to Disney World on the way home. We’re leaving tonight. And Larry. Oh my God. You’ve got to see this RV, man. Fucking incredible. I can even fit my Benz into this little garage thing under the RV. And I say, wow, gee, that sounds really cool, Steve. But you can’t drive to England, bro. There’s just no way to get there from here. And there’s a pause. Then he says, yes there is, Larry. You go through Canada. I have the map right here on my iPhone. And I say, Steve. Jesus, man. Just get on your Gulfstream tomorrow and learn some geography. It’s not going to kill you. Then he starts dropping the f-bomb and saying how I’m against him and gee, how much did Katie Cotton pay me to say that anyway because he’d really like to know. Then the guy hangs up on me. Just like that.

I love Steve, but sometimes I really worry about the guy. And I’m not sure what’s going to happen tomorrow. Hopefully they won’t find him in his RV at the bottom of the Atlantic.

September 14, 2007

"Now take this iPhone and imagine it in New Zealand. No wait. Imagine it in Argentina. No wait."


Apple’s really jerking Steve around on this European iPhone announcement they’re going to make next week. According to Steve, the board is worried about him slipping and talking about a country that’s not located in Europe. Al Gore was going on and on about how the dude didn’t graduate from college and can’t locate any country on a map except India. So first they told him he needed a crash course in geography. Katie Cotton said, look, you’re taking this geography session at Cal Tech or Phil Schiller's doing the announcement. And Steve said fine, okay, whatever. But then when he showed up late to the session, Katie blew her top and said they might not say anything at all. She said she had it all planned out and that Apple was just going to say it had no comment and then it would let the service providers in Europe take care of everything. But now she’s changed her mind again. She’s lined up George Bush’s geography teachers and wants them to fly to Europe with Steve. She says they’re the best money can buy and if they can’t help him nobody can. So, basically, if he can’t locate Germany on a map by the time he gets to Europe, he’s not doing the announcement. I don’t know what he’ll do if that happens. He might have to go to the red light district in Hamburg or something. We’ll see.

September 11, 2007

I have a cold fusion reactor I'd like to sell this guy

There are only two types of people in the world: Those who understand technology, and those who don't. This article seems to indicate that Business Week's Peter Burrows lands squarely in the n00b category. The dude thinks Steve might buy up a chunk of the wireless spectrum for all of Apple's devices, like the iMac and iPhone and AppleTV and shit. That way, according to Peter, everything will be able to phone home and seamlessly sync with .Mac or whatever. So let me get this right. Peter thinks a bunch of wireless devices will be communicating via a center server. Tell me this isn't the Network Computer. Go ahead. Do it, punk. Tell me this isn't the idea I came up with over ten years ago.

And for your information, no, Steve is not going to place a bid on the wireless spectrum. But Google will. And when they win, they'll be letting Apple use it for pennies on the dollar. That's how Google is. They think they're geniuses, but they're real morons when it comes to making money. And Steve's about to take Eric on the ride of his life.

September 6, 2007

Hello? AT&T? Anybody home?


Whoops. I guess the cat's out of the bag and AT&T has finally seen the writing on the wall. See here. These AT&T chumps actually believed that Apple was all about working with them and helping them out. They thought Steve was going to happily embrace their stone age technology and tango with them for life. Until yesterday, when they thought, uh oh. Maybe Apple's fucking us here with these digital song and ring tone downloads. That's our thing, right?

Um, no. Sorry, buttheads. That's Apple's thing, and guess what? It's just the tip of the iceberg. The real story is that you were just the stepping stone to VoIP. Steve's going to leapfrog you like the telecommunications industry leapfrogged AOL. People are soon going to be using their iPhones to make unlimited free phone calls to everyone everywhere, and you're going to be left holding the bag. And the even bigger story is that you're like the mentally-disabled neighbor that Steve wanted to experiment with. You're just the first of many. Next up are the music companies. Steve's going to cut out those middlemen and let bands deal directly with iTunes. That's the plan. It's taking a little longer than expected, but it's coming, bros. It's coming.

September 5, 2007

Son of a motherless goat


Well, I just lost a couple thousand dollars in the Oracle office pool. Turns out Steve didn't announce the new AppleTV, Beatles catalog, or content providers like I thought he would. What a butthead. Thing is, I even ran all of this stuff by him over the weekend and he said, "Uh huh" and started smiling and nodding. Ah, well. Live and let live, right? And honestly, part of it could have been K.E.G. We started the pool after lunch yesterday when I was totally baked and sloshed. Paybacks are still going to be a bitch, Steve.

There is one small consolation: Laughing at all of the turds who followed me and bet exactly what I bet just because I know Steve. Like, oh gee, Larry knows Steve so he must know what's going to happen, right? Ha, ha. You morons.

Still debating whether or not to give away free iPod Touches to all Oracle employees. More later.

August 31, 2007

Does anybody remember Power Computing?


Probably not. All the kids running around with Macs and iPods and iPhones these days are recent converts. But take it from an old fogey: Power Computing had some truly spectacular advertising. They staged one of the most brilliant advertising coups of all time. Really. Back in '97, nobody could resist a banner that screamed, "Let's kick Intel's Ass!" Sure, you'd get your ass kicked today if you were tooling around with this on the back of your car, but back then it was really something. Their ads made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like you were a part of something big and making history with other Mac users. And we were.

That's why I've directed Oracle's advertising agency to model our newest advertising campaign after this one. And no, we're not stealing the Power Computing advertisements. We'll probably just copy them and change them a little. Like, in the advertisement shown above, we'll take out the 225 MHz part, add a MiG, and say, "We're fighting back for the relational database!" Or something. Actually, I don't know what we'll do to it exactly, but we'll definitely improve upon it and make it our own. So prepare to feel all warm and fuzzy, punks. New Oracle ads are coming to a rag near you.

August 29, 2007

Steve's going to Burning Man

He calls me up this morning and is like, Larry, home slice. I need to ask a favor. Are you flying over Nevada anytime soon? Like maybe tonight? And I say, uhh, no Steve. I'm not, actually. And I'm thinking, oh shit. If Steve's dropping the slice-bomb he must really want something big. And then he's like, well, you know how I have that Apple thing on the 5th. I need to unwind before that, man. Get in some R&R at Burning Man. Maybe drop some acid and trip out on some shrooms. Maybe hook up with some hippie chicks to restore my reality distortion field and inner harmony. That and sip on some Miso soup while watching some big-ass man burn. It could be good, you know? Like, help me imbibe the vibe and prepare for my third coming. Then he gets real quiet. I can just see him sitting there with a hard-on, thinking about Apple taking over the world with its new iPods or whatever. And then I say, what's coming out on the 5th, Steve? And he's like, I can't tell you that, Larry. You know you've been black listed ever since you leaked that information about the G4 Cube. But drop me off at Burning Man? Please?

Turns out the turd doesn't want to drop $200 on a ticket. Instead he wants to parachute in. Make it look like he's some badass big wig who's above coming in through the gate. And you know I can't say no to Steve. So we're taking off tonight in the C-130. Hell, I might even land after I drop him, just to see what's going on down there. I heard Jonathan Schwartz was going. I'd love to take a picture of that dude while he's stoned and wandering butt-naked through the Nevada desert. Priceless.

August 28, 2007

You think this is funny?


Because I sure don't. Everybody knows Steve is going to live forever. Why even joke about something like this? It's not even remotely funny. You know what would be hilarious, though. To find the dude who made this and have Steve tell him personally that he's been banned from Apple for life. Like, guess what, dumbass? Your iCard's been pulled. No more iPods or Macs for you. Nada. Zip. Go sit in the corner and use a Zune and Google gPhone for the rest of your pathetic existence. And then watch as the dude starts screaming and crying and shit. Yeah. That would be priceless.

Maybe we can actually do it. I'll have my IT security guys get on it this afternoon. If anybody can find the turd who made this, it's them.

August 21, 2007

So Steve calls...

Says he has to fly up to Redmond tomorrow to meet with Ballmer, and would I please provide a MiG escort? Because his Microsoft source says that last week Gates put a bounty on his head and passed out free anti-aircraft guns to all Microsoft employees. And now his mugshot and Gulfstream are on "Wanted: Dead or Alive" posters all around the Microsoft campus. People are even donning cammos and helmets in preparation for the big day tomorrow. So, please?

And I'm like, how many iPhones is this worth to you? He says, come on Larry, just do it, you frigtard. I tell him I want two truckloads of the 8GBs, and none of that refurbished shit. Oh, and I want that hot intern in Apple's marketing department to ride with me and moonlight as my administrative joint roller. Then he starts dropping the f-bomb, and I'm just like, do you know how much it costs to fly the MiG?

So, we have a deal. Time to load up the Sidewinder missiles and do a couple practice runs in the MiG simulator. It's bombs away tomorrow. Can't wait.

August 17, 2007

Why the iPhone won

Okay, so there are loads of articles these days that claim to know why the iPhone is doing so well. Like this one. You can always tell an article's going to be a real doozy when the author pours her heart and soul into the prose. I started to fall asleep about here: "Since I began blogging about youth marketing in 2004, I have read a lot of studies that list teens' favorite brands. Apple is inevitably at the top of every brand list." Yawn. I just told my secretary to call Business Week and find out where this person went to college so I can make sure my kids never go there.

Anyway. I figured I'd write a little something of my own about the best cellphone in the world. You know, like Larry does iPhone. Or something.

Okay, so first. It's the brand name, stupid. Say that over and over until you're convinced you understand it. Because really, the device is like nine parts name and one part phone. Why else would people line up to buy a phone they had never seen before? Why else would Steve go to such bold and brash lengths to steal the name from Cisco? And how else could Apple have repositioned the entire cellular phone market? "iPhone." It just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? I mean, who in their right mind would buy a RAZR or Nokia 6035zv590 when they could buy the iPhone? Nobody would. This simple, easy-to-say name has brought coherence and stability to a sea of terrible sounding cell phone names. There's the iPhone, and then there's everything else. And everybody knows that everything else sucks. The phones must suck, or they wouldn't have shitty sounding names.

Next, you need to understand something that's both very simple and complicated at the same time. Perception is reality. That's it. What people believe, is real for them. Listen, do you really think Steve had a working iPhone at Macworld Expo? He didn't. I was there -- I saw the vaporphone. It didn't work then, and it didn't work until the middle of June. I know because that's when I got mine. What Steve was selling at Macworld was the idea of a phone. The actual phone didn't matter at all -- it was what people thought and believed about the phone that mattered. And most of the time, ideas are more powerful than the actual products. People can take ideas and shape them and build them in their heads. That's why Steve only released the idea of the phone and not the actual phone itself. In fact, it would have been a disaster to release the phone at Macworld. People never would have bought it then.

The actual device didn't matter much at all. I mean, don't get me wrong here -- it's a great phone and I love it. But the main thing is the brand name and the customer's perception that he's getting a ground-breaking phone. In fact, customers would have understood if their iPhones didn't work exactly the way they should have at first. Because it's a first generation product, users expect glitches and bugs. That was the allure of having one of the first iPhones -- most customers want to help debug the device and be a part of the street iPhone QC team. These people are actually doing Apple's job for them, for free. And they're paying bucko bucks to do it.

There's nothing new about any of this, of course. I've done it at Oracle for about 30 years now. We sold vaporware databases to hundreds of customers, and they loved every table and every entry. You know why? Because Oracle is a great brand name and they bought the idea of a database, not the actual database itself. Apple just took that concept and applied it to hardware, which was brilliant. And sure, the device is pretty good. It's not as ground-breaking as people make it out to be, but it's functional and grandmothers can use it.

So there you go, people. You've heard it from the horse's mouth. And if you read this stuff in Business Week in a month or so, just remember where you heard it first, okay?

August 8, 2007

Yeah, I know I should have bought Apple


Recently I've been having this reoccurring nightmare where a blimp or an orb or something lands on my house and thousands of little Gil Amelios file out and start chanting, "Ha, ha. Ha, ha. Ha, ha," over and over and over and over again, and they jump on my back and pull my hair and untie my shoe laces and give me a wedgie. And then they somehow install Windows 95 in my brain and laugh their asses off when I crash with the blue screen of death.

Look, I don't need a shrink to tell me what it means, okay? I'm not a complete bonehead. I know I should have bought Apple when I could have. I made a mistake. But I didn't think of the iPod. I was just thinking of making Macs into network computers. It was a good idea, just a little before its time. There, I said it. Are you happy now?