In the face of adversity, Red Hat tries to act natural

It's no secret that Shit for Brains thinks he owns Linux, or at least part of it. And it's also no secret that Red Hat thinks SFB is full of shit. But every couple months Stevie B. hints at an intellectual property lawsuit just to keep everybody on their toes. This time around, however, Red Hat says it isn't going to push back. They say they're just going to smile and nod and act like everything is normal. My lawyers are following the whole thing very closely. They say that Novell caving in was a good sign and that soon enough we'll be able to sue Microsoft for violating our patents. No joke. And we're talking large sums of money here, people. When you consider the fact that every computer running Windows has a little relational database inside, you'll see the scale of what I'm talking about. So we're almost ready to start entering into license negotiations with Microsoft. We think they should pay us about $10,000 per Windows installation. That's fair, right?

I love Linus

But sometimes the dude can be as stubborn as a pack mule walking through Siberia in the dead of winter. Kind of like last week when he said, "You security people are insane," and then reiterated that he will add Smack to the Linux kernel. And that's cool. I mean, Linux is his dog and pony show. The problem is that Smack will probably bring a bunch of security vulnerabilities along with it.

People, this is exactly why I run OpenBSD on all of my servers at home. Those suckers are locked down. I keep them off the network, and I also have all the totally crazy shit to protect them. Fingerprint identification. Retinal scanners. Man traps. I'm telling you: The NSA has nothing on Larry's servers. Some people wonder why I go to the insane lengths I've gone to. Well, I'll tell you why. The truth is that you can never be too careful with your digital black book. Women's phone numbers are very, very important.

Report: Red Hat to gain more market share than OS/2 Warp

Let's hear it for these Red Hat guys. They think they're going to capture half of the server market by 2015. See here. They won't make it, of course, but I do appreciate the effort. And I'll tell you that this is really great news for us here at Oracle, because we're all about Linux. Seriously. Why do you think we released 11g for Linux first? We hate the Microturds even more than we hate the turds working on JBoss.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret here: Linus Torvalds is my homie. I take the dude and his little toy penguin up in the MiG sometimes. We buzz the Microsoft campus and talk about that movie called March of the Penguins and how he really wanted to be an extra but didn't get the part. And believe me when I say that Linus hates MySQL more than I do. He really does. And we're both mixed on Red Hat. He's leaning towards Ubuntu now and I'm about to jump ship for FreeBSD. But we're friends. Partners in arms, as we say on my boat.

A bit of advice, Szulik

I was impressed yesterday, Matt. Seriously. Red Hat's numbers turned out pretty well, and I see some potential for future growth. That's the good news. The bad news is that there's a lot of bad news. First of all, pretty much everybody views Red Hat as the Microsoft of the Linux world. Face it, bro. You went from darling to Darth Vader in like eight years. You lost the marketing war. How did it happen? Well, you started taking things away from people and you stopped being cool. That's the funny thing about people, Szulik. They don't really appreciate it when you take things away from them. Fedora sucks ass, and everybody knows it. Maybe you don't care about that. The problem is that lots of little teenage turd droppers love Ubuntu. They've never even heard about Red Hat, Matt. So you've got a bunch of Slashdot admin types -- the ones who are hopelessly behind the times and still think grep will solve all their problems -- using Red Hat. And the new people are all using Ubuntu. What do you think is going to happen? You're going to get broadsided by Ubuntu. When that happens, Canonical will pick up the enterprise support and you'll be fucked.

And then there's JBoss. Honestly, you never should have bought it. We knew that years ago. You didn't. And it's all working out exactly the way we thought it would. Get rid of it. JBoss will never make money. People can get Tomcat for free and it works better anyway.

Which brings me to the economy. I'm still not even convinced that this subscription thing is going to work. If things take a turn for the worst, all of your star subscribers are going to make their lazy admins get off their fat asses and actually do some work. You think it can't happen, but it can. I've seen it.

To tell you the truth, I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. I know you won't read it. Nobody listens to Larry. Ah, well. After Red Hat kicks the bucket, we'll start doing Red Hat support ourselves. Somebody's got to carry the torch, right? It might as well be Oracle.

Okay, I get the picture, Ubuntu

You turds have made it very clear that you're incapable of thinking rational, logical thoughts. All you people think about is sex, compilers, and beer. In that order. But please stop sending me these pictures. They're disturbing.

This dame is so right about FreeBSD

See here. She talks all about how FreeBSD rocks her world and Linux blows goats. Best quote: "Linux is more like a barrel of monkeys — loud, messy, chaotic and very busy." Then she goes on to say that "FreeBSD users sometimes gaze quizzically at Linux users and wonder why they do everything the hard way," something I can definitely relate to. Ahem. I'm looking at you, Ubuntu turds. Listen, I'm not kidding when I say that I'd love to make every Oracle customer run FreeBSD. It's just a better operating system. I mean, why do you think Apple uses it? And check out those FreeBSD Devilettes. Not too shabby, eh?

Red Hat tags along; bashes Microsoft

These Red Hat people are a riot. Seriously. I mean, check this out. After spending the entire day watching the rest of the world react positively to Europe's decision to punish Microsoft, Red Hat CEO Matthew Szulik finally issues a press release commending the decision. Szulik says, "Given Red Hat’s firm belief that competition, not questionable patent and trade secret claims, drives innovation and creates greater consumer value, we were pleased with the overall decision and look forward to examining the decision in greater detail." In other words, Red Hat strongly believes that buggy open source operating systems drive innovation. But only when customers pay Red Hat thousands of dollars per year to support the buggy open source operating systems. That's where the greater consumer value comes in. Get it? You better. Because according to Szulik & Co. Red Hat's pretty much the only enterprise alternative to Microsoft. So good luck, dudes. And remember to use protection. Because honestly, I wouldn't touch that company with a ten foot pole.

How do you say boondoggle in Swahili?

Hint: The phrase starts with "$100" and ends with "laptop." Yes, you read that correctly. "$100 laptop" is the newest four letter word in places like Nigeria. And it's probably not a good time to be working for the One Laptop per Child Foundation, especially since they just jacked the price up. Sources tell me that several OLPC employees have already been pistol whipped by young African men (above) who will no longer be able to afford the portable computers that now cost $188 each.

So why the price jump? Apparently Red Hat wanted to up its support price by $5 per laptop, and then Novell caught wind of it and wanted in on the action too. So now the OLPC has a laptop that costs $10 to make and $178 to support. Makes sense right? No? Well, I don't get it either. Guess we'll have to blame it on the rising cost of free software. I just feel sorry for the third world countries that are going to have to foot the bill. Nobody should have to pay that much for a computer that runs Fedora and is full of recycled Apple IIe parts.

Another reason why we're not supporting Ubuntu

As if we needed another reason, right? Anyway, I'm not sure if this is real or not. Oracle Homeland Security said it was just one of those things that may or may not be legit. But hey, that's good enough for me. I think it's real.

The real reason we don't support Ubuntu

We can't associate with a company that does this sort of thing. It's just perverse. I mean, we're trying to convey a professional, no-nonsense image here, and Ubuntu wants people to believe that its operating system is for people who vacation on nude beaches or something. So no, Oracle is not going to support its products on Ubuntu. No way. Not going to happen. It doesn't matter how many articles like this keep appearing.

BTW, there's a time and place for images like this. It's called Diggnation.

Do people really hate me this much?

Or do they just want me to cry myself to sleep every night? All I know is that these Linux Magazine people are out to get me. See here. Here's the best quote: "Oracle founder and CEO Larry Ellison resembles a classically-styled supervillain... You just know that his $16,000,000 Atherton CA, Japanese feudal estate, complete with tea gardens, Bonsai trees, and sakura blossoms also has sharks with frickin' laser beams in the swimming pool."

Actually, it doesn't Jason. It has minnows with friggin laser beams in the swimming pool. I've embraced nano technology, you turd. Why don't you come over for a swim tomorrow? The water's nice this time of year.

Forget LAMP already -- say hello to LAOP

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past ten years, LAMP stands for Linux, Apache, MySQL, and PHP. It's a kind of so-so open source server stack for people who think they can't afford to buy anything. Turds working at places like Red Hat slap all of those free pieces of software together and hand you something that costs, what, about $50,000 a year to support? Call it the hidden cost of open source.

Anyway. So we took a look at the entire LAMP thing and thought, wow, this is an awesome fixer-uper. Like a house that has a leaky roof and a bathtub that backs up, we took LAMP and made it our own. First order of business? Take out the weakest link, which is MySQL, and swap in Oracle. Boom. Say hello to LAOP. Think Oracle is a strange bedfellow? Think again. Check out this article where the author raves about how Oracle was built for Linux, and Linux was built for Oracle. And best part is that the author shows how we're sticking it to Red Hat with our new Oracle distribution of Linux. Sadly, there's no mention of the fact that LAOP costs a fraction of what LAMP costs to support.

And yes, I know that there are hundreds of acronyms floating around out there. Some open source turds seem to think that we should be using the acronym POLA instead of LAOP. To which I say: They would think that. POLA sounds like a friggin STD, not a kick-ass server stack.