That's how we roll

The financial flakes said we couldn't do it. They said buying into applications was a mistake that would never pay off. And man were they were wrong. It just goes to show that analysts know very little of anything. Suckers. We blew out our numbers and blew their business socks off. I mean, check out the stats. Profit up twenty five percent. $4.53 billion in revenue. And applications and Middleware sales through the roof. What else could you possibly want? What's that? A BEA Systems buyout, an IBM knockout, and another kickass quarter? It'll happen, bros. Patience. All of it except the BEA Systems buyout. I really hate that little turd of a company.

Throw up the horns, throw back a beer, and objectify women

That's what you do when you're Kevin Rose, because you own one of those Web 2.0 sites and you do whatever the fuck you want. You even have a podcast called Diggnation where you drink beer like there's no tomorrow. You set up a little camcorder in the crib and talk with Alex Albrecht AKA Dennis the Menace about what happened on CNN that week. To attract a crowd and keep yourself amused, you get really hot girls to dress up like maids and then bend over in front of the camera so everyone can see their undies. Oh, and you talk really slow and use dumbed down language for the millions of 9 year-olds watching your podcast. That's not really hard for you, because you're kind of like a 9 year-old yourself. Your balls never dropped. You can't grow facial hair. Your friends call you Numbnuts, and so does Larry Ellison.

And you know what? I have no problem with any of it. Diggnation gets Larry's red stamp of approval. Seriously. I wouldn't want anyone other than Numbnuts and Dennis the Menace instilling values like these in our 9 year-olds. So here's to you, boys. Hold those horns high and keep up the good work. Larry salutes you.

No, I will not change my blog's background color

And shame on the dude who keeps asking me. Black is my power color, okay? Listen, if you're so upset about it, maybe you should go write a dissertation about why people shouldn't use black as a blog background color. Or maybe you should hit a punk show and beat the shit out of some random kid in the mosh pit. Or maybe you should surf Facebook for while and virtually headbutt all of your friends. I don't know. Do whatever you need to do, dude. Just stop emailing me, okay? And if you really think it's that hard to read white text on black, you should have tried programming with punch cards back in the day. You would have made it like, all of ten minutes, you little turd.

Kmasba yoyo

No, it's not Japanese. It stands for kiss my ass, baby - you're on your own. It's the text message I sent to Zach Nelson's BlackBerry after reading this interview. Look, I'm going to be honest here. NetSuite was fun for a while. I had some good times with it. The company was kind of like the sandcastle your kids build when they go to the beach. Or the lego spaceship your son puts together on Christmas day. But as fun as it is to create these things, it's even more fun to destroy them. Ask any kid who pretends to be Godzilla. That's me, Zack. Right now I'm Godzilla and you're the little GI Joe in the sandcastle that's about to get crushed. Because the truth is, I don't need you or NetSuite anymore, bro. Oracle's got something that's bigger, better and faster. So go ahead. Take all the potshots you want. Say I'm a bad investor. Say that I compete with you. Just don't blame me when your little IPO goes belly up, okay?

This is what happens when you're a butthead

First you go to college. You get drunk at freshmen toast, sleep with a couple hot co-eds, pledge the fraternity with the highest women to geek ratio, watch meteor showers while stoned on the roof of the SUB, and laugh at jock jokes so hard that beer comes out of your nose. Then you take a couple computer science classes and think, gee, I should create a music application and make some money. So you do that. But you get kinda bored, because what you really want to do is meet women and find out who's banging who in the dorms. Then you think, gee, I should create a website that lets people create profiles and link to other people and then I could make some serious payola. So you do that. And then, before you know it, you're in the New York Times and you're rubbing elbows with big wig venture capitalists. You drop out and start up. You have a fast car, strong entrepreneurial spirit, and a girl on each arm. Nobody can stop you now.

Except yourself.

Look, Zucker. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you bet wrong. You fucked up. You refused to sell your cheap Friendster-imitation website for $1 billion, and now you're flushing your brand name down the toilet with all of these stupid developer applications. And no, you don't have a networking utility. What you have is a PHP/MySQL site that my cats could code blindfolded.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but here goes. I'm willing to buy Facebook, Zucker. And I'm thinking $20 million is a fair price. Honestly, that's probably too much since you don't even run Oracle databases. But give me a call, bro. We'll talk.

But MySQL is a four letter word

So, a bunch of people are writing in and complaining about how I use MySQL like it's a four letter word or something. Apparently they think the open source database is really great and cool and awesome because companies like YouTube, Flickr, Yahoo, and Facebook use it. And it must be great if Facebook uses it, right? Because Facebook is, like, so cutting edge here in the Valley. They have that new "developer platform" that allows people to create "applications" that let you virtually bitch-slap people and somehow enable your dog to log into your account and update it. Or something. And they don't think I should have called Marten Mickos a butthead.

Okay. You people are right about me calling Marten a butthead. I made a mistake, and I apologize for that. In fact, I should have used a much stronger derogatory term, but I didn't, because children under the age of 13 read my blog and I want to be the bigger man. Marten loves to rag on me in interviews like this. Well, guess what, Mickos? I'm not stooping to your level.

And for those of you who think that MySQL is a great database, I have only the cold knife of pity. Using MySQL is like trying to do Calculus with a third-grade math book. When you're doing real work, you need real software -- software like Oracle. Of course, we don't give it to just anybody. That would be like giving a Calculus textbook to a third-grade student. Grow up, and then come to us. Everybody does in the end, even the MySQL puritans.

A match made in heaven

Or maybe hell. See here. Microsoft and Cisco are working together now, and Ballmer promises that there won't be any corporate jujitsu. Like he even knows jujitsu, right? Anyway, Chambers says he trusts the flake with all of Cisco's proprietary information and that they're going to work together, etc., etc. Where have we heard this before? (Hint: He makes a computer called a Mac. Maybe you've used one before.) Not quite sure who's going to fuck who here. In all likelihood, they'll probably just fuck each other. Or better yet, maybe they'll pull MySQL into bed for the ultimate threesome. I love watching a good clusterfuck. Then maybe I could start calling them the Axis of Evil.

Step into my office, Mickos

I always knew the database for kiddies/retards/freaks/gang-bangers called MySQL was eventually going to self-destruct and completely ruin itself. And now, thanks to the hard work of Marten Mickos, it's halfway there. See here. This little turd of a CEO has been making a real name for himself recently. Now he actually thinks he can sell his crappy open source database. Yeah. As if he could have his stupid GPL cake and eat it too. Listen, butthead. Nobody used your database when it was free. What in Eurohell makes you think you're going to be able to sell an enterprise version of it?

You better check your head, freak. Because your card is about to be pulled. In other words, you're about to crash and burn like a MySQL database running like, say, 5000 simultaneous queries.

No, I'm the CEO, bitch

I love these kids who drive out here from Boston or Nashville or wherever and think they're hot shit. They have a couple girlfriends and daddy's BMW and big ideas about changing the world. And the best part is that they all think they're original. Like thousands of other guys before them didn't do exactly the same thing exactly the same way, right? Yeah. Cracks me up.

So anyway, this guy comes in to see me yesterday afternoon. I see him walking down the hall with two girls on each arm. He's not wearing any shirt or shoes, and his shorts are ripped all to shreds. Oh, and he's carrying a surfboard, too. And his hair is all curly and greasy and sticking up like the guy's in Napoleon Dynamite. So I'm about to call Oracle Homeland Security, because the guy looks like a real flake and a freak and I'm not sure who let him in or why he's walking towards my office.

And then he says, hey Larry. How's it going? I'm Mark. Remember me? And I'm like, Mark? Mark who? And he says, Mark Zuckerberg. You know. The Facebook guy. Then he drops one of his trademark "I'm CEO...Bitch" business cards on my desk, and I swear to god all of the girls with him gasp like they've just seen Matt Damon or something. And I just sit there, because I'm not really sure what else to do. And then he says, look, I'd like some free complementary Oracle databases to store pictures of all the drunk girls in bikinis and guys hitting bongs and all the other beautiful people who have decided to use Facebook. It's a really great business opportunity for you and Oracle, Larry. Like, you know, Facebook will be using your databases. And then all the girls gasp again.

And I'm just sitting there trying not to laugh, right? I finally say, gee, Mark. That's a really nice offer, but I think we're going to have to pass this time. And if you ever come into my office and spout shit like this again, I'm going to have to cut your funding. And then he rolls his eyes and says, you don't fund me Larry. And I'm like, uhhh, that's what you think, kid. Who do you think owns the venture capitalists who own you? I do, you little turd. And then he just laughs and walks out.

You better be careful, Zucker. Because you're going to lose your street cred if you keep talking like that. God, some people have a lot of nerve. I would can that kid right now if I didn't look at girls on Facebook like twenty times a day.

Forbes really gets Oracle now

And it shows in their latest article. See here. My favorite quote: "Oracle is the leading global provider of enterprise software, which is used to improve productivity and efficiency by managing information on an organization-wide level."

Wow, great job, flakes. I mean, we've only been in business for like what, 30 years now? And you still have to devote two-thirds of your article to telling people what we do? Gee, I'm just blown away by your Silicon Valley knowledge and technology know-how. It really makes me want to subscribe to your pathetic financial rag. Or not.

Hey, at least they got one thing right -- we are about to breakout. But you already knew that, right? I mean, you must if you're here reading Fake Larry.

We pulled the plug on Mini Me

See here. Only it wasn't Steve who canned the dude, it was us. I told my IT security people to get in there and rename all of the FSJ blog database tables after Simpsons characters. And I swear Steve calls me like five minutes after that. He's all panicked and shit and dropping the f-bomb. And I'm like, what makes you think it was me? Anyway, to make a long story short, the Apple cafeteria employee is back to serving tater tots.

We had a falling out

So Steve calls this week and says he’s going on vacation. Says he’s flying to Vail, Kazakhstan, Maui, and India. In that order. And then, if there’s time left, maybe to Orlando so the kids can go to Disney World and see him get dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow. And I’m like, that’s great Steve. Have fun. See you in a month, bud.

And he says, Larry. I really really need you to take care of my blog. And I’m like, what? He says, yeah. Nobody else around here will touch the El Jobso with a ten-foot pole. Al hates my guts after staying at my house. Bono’s too busy f’ing around with his hippie band. Jerry York still has dog breath. Nick Denton’s a friggin frigtard. So you’re the only one who can do it, Larry.

And I’m like, fine. Whatever. I’ll write a few posts so you can take a look and see what you think.

So I take a couple days and write the posts. And you know what? I haven’t had this much fun since I wrote the end of Melanie’s last novel. I email them to Steve and wait. Thursday comes and goes. Friday. Still nothing. Finally he emails me:

"Larry – No friggin way you’re taking over my blog. The stuff you sent me blows goats. Honestly, it made me throw up in my mouth a little. Ha! And anyway, you know writing about me is off limits. Shame on you, freak. See you in a month, huh? - FSJ"

I sit there for a minute – kinda slump down in my chair a little – and then I visit his blog. Just for old times sake, you know? And whaddya know? The flake says “Larry Ellison” is going to be writing his blog. See here. My favorite quote: “Larry Ellison has been bugging his PR people for a while to let him start his own blog at Oracle. But they're like, No friggin way are we letting you show the world how absolutely bonkers you are.”

Right. Because everybody knows I let my PR people tell me what to do.

Folks, something smells fishy. Because if I’m writing this, then who the heck is the fake Larry over at Steve’s blog? Steve, if I find out it’s some Apple cafeteria employee like I think it is, you better hope you packed a parachute and a bunch of dehydrated miso soup. Because that Gulfstream is going to fare about as well as an ultralight when you’re in my MiG’s crosshairs.

Just kidding. I wouldn’t really pull trigger and shoot you down. I mean, who would make my Macs and iPods and iPhones if you were gone? I’m still hurt, though. Shame on you, freak.