What's that sound coming from Facebook?

BusinessWeek thinks it's the cha-ching sound coming from the cash register as developers sell their Facebook applications and head for the door. But in reality it's just the sound of thousands of ambitious geeks trying to suck from Mark Zuckerberg's teat. Seriously. Sex-deprived brainiacs beware. This Facebook App stuff has pyramid scheme written all over it. Better to become an Oracle DBA and do serious work that can change the world and make you a bundle of money.

But let me tell you about this one app called Make a Baby. I really think it has potential. Check it out. You hop on Facebook and look at people's pictures until you get a hard-on or the female equivalent. Then you hook up and make a little virtual baby that looks like the two of you. Easy, right? The best part is that you don't even need to virtually procreate with a member of the opposite sex. Man oh man. Just think of the possible combos here. Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. Steve Ballmer and Jonathan Schwartz. (Sorry. Bad image. Talk about some fugly offspring.) Peter Burrows and Dan Lyons. Marten Mickos and Zack Urlocker. Or maybe even Jason Maynard and Rick Sherlund. Yes. Friends, I can see the positive energy flowing as I write this. More on these couples as they develop.

BusinessWeek : Screech can learn a lot from MySpace

See here. For those too lazy to read, the article says that Facebook isn't doing all it can do to keep kids safe from sexual predators. The article cites a bunch of reputable off-duty police officers hanging out in strip clubs. Don't ask me where BusinessWeek finds these people, okay? I have no friggin idea. But anyway, according to the police officers, MySpace has some Perl script that flags profiles with words like "kill," "rape," "shoot," "gang," "Mark Zuckerberg," and "facebook." They take all the profiles that contain those words and they delete them. Facebook doesn't do that, so it's not as safe.

I know the article sounds stupid, but it's really not. And next month BusinessWeek is going to run another article about how Facebook needs to adopt MySpace's 1995-style colors and website design. The new article will also talk about how Facebook needs to let companies pose as people, let spammers create bogus profiles, and put advertisements for strip clubs at the top of every page. Then, according to the article, Facebook will be worth over $200 billion.

Kevin Rose: Digg now worth at least $1 billion

This website valuation stuff is getting out of hand. Now TechTV darling Kevin Rose says his script kiddie website called Digg is worth a cool $1 billion. According to Rose, Screech says Facebook is worth $10-$15 billion so Digg must be worth at least $1 billion. Never mind the fact that half of Digg's "registered users" submit one or two articles and then never come back. And never mind the fact that the other half of the registered users -- the ones who actually do use Digg -- are males under the age of 9 who have no purchasing power whatsoever. Their balls haven't dropped and they digg anything with the words "pwn" or "digg" or "Kevin Rose" in the title. But the fact that they digg stuff like that is a good thing according to Kevin. The web is growing up and tastes are changing and people are evolving. Don't you know? It's a new media thing. That is, until CBS or Rupert buys Digg. Then it will be an old media thing.

UPDATE: Kevin just called and thanked me for the plug. He said he's going to digg my blog in the hopes that somebody with a fat wallet will see this entry and give him a ring. He also wanted me to say that he'll throw in Revision3 and Pownce for another $3 billion. Um, yeah.

Does Mark Zuckerberg look like Screech or what?

So I'm sitting here reading these articles about Facebook and I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, Zuckerberg looks like that turd from Saved by the Bell. You know, that weird guy named Screech. (See resemblance above.) And actually, now that I think about it, they have more in common than just physical appearance. They both have $2,000 curly hair cuts that make it look like they just rolled out of bed. They both dress like people from the late '80s. They both have problems meeting and interacting with women. And neither one of them knows when to stop. In fact, I guess the only thing they don't have in common is shooting pornos. The real life Screech is the Dirty Sanchez expert. I don't think Zuckerberg has gone there yet, but you never know. The nut doesn't fall far from the tree as they say in Chicago.